Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love

I asked my friend if she needed me as she buries her Granny. Her Granny that she visited at least every week (putting me to shame!) in the nursing home. My friend is strong. She is the rock in her family. She told me that she would be ok and that I didn't need to skip work. The service planned was just a simple graveside service as her grandmother had requested. I know that she will be surrounded by her loving immediate family and her extended family that also doubles as some of her best friends. I know she'll be ok.

I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.

When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.

Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.

I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.

Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.

You are only as strong as your foundation

Everyone has things in their past that they are not proud of. Things that they would have done differently if given the opportunity later in life. You know, when we're supposedly more intelligent or something. Maybe one or two of the pour decisions changed a special relationship with a friend, changed the course you were taking or even the entire outcome of your life. I have certainly had my share of decisions that I would, in retrospect, have changed. Other decisions I might not have changed. Either way, I would have spent more time battling to make the correct decision: sought out others opinions, read more literature, been overall more informed, before jumping off of the cliff head first.

How did you survive a bad time in your life? The way I usually survive any rough point in my life is to build a wall. When the mistake or betrayal is small, I throw a few stones around my heart where the pain lives. A few of my colossal wrongdoings I have resorted to building a wall. A wall of brick and mortar, strong and sturdy, to protect myself. The only problem with this wall that I have built is that it goes straight up, sky high. Since the wall goes straight up, I am limited. I have to stay within the boundaries of the wall I built. Since I worked diligently to build the wall as high and as fast as possible, the boundaries often make me feel restrained, like if I take one more step that I could step off and fall all the way down to the very bottom.

As I am pushing myself to grow as a person, I have to face some of these decisions that I am not so proud of. Some of the things that I have built walls around out of brick; bricks stacked with mortar very very high. Often, I battle in my head the "what ifs". What if I had done this instead of that? What if I would have done that instead of this? Or done nothing at all. How would my life have changed? Would the changes have made a difference in the end? Why did I hurt the people that I loved the most? I have been slowly chipping away at the brick and still have a very long way to go, but I plan to keep chiseling. Once I tear down the wall, I want to rebuild the wall, but plan to re-build with love and forgiveness. I think a foundation built of love and forgiveness will be even stronger than brick.

In the book I'm reading, "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day" he brings up several wonderful points about the "what ifs". If my "what ifs" wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be married to Aaron or had Lilly, Camille and Keegan. I probably wouldn't have lived in Woodville. Therefore, I wouldn't have been there for my parents when they needed me the most. I most likely would not have started writing publicly. If I hadn't experienced life, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I wouldn't be as valuable to my friends, family or children because ALL of my experiences, good and bad, made me who I am.

As a part of my struggle toward personal growth I have made it a point to say I'm sorry more often and to forgive more freely. Sometimes even the simplest words are the most difficult. At times "I'm sorry" isn't just because you can't make it to a social function or you cut someone off in the lane next to you. Now and again "I'm sorry" is for years and years of brokenness. Brokenness that you must accept part or all of the responsibility for. At intervals in your life, "I'm sorry" will never be enough, but I have concluded that it is a start. And even if it's not enough, it is better than nothing at all.

It is so much easier to remain angry with a friend when they break your trust than it is to put yourself out there knowing that it could happen again. Most of the time it seems like the best way is to just break ties with the person or end the relationship. Put another brick on top of the wall.

Why put yourself at risk again to be hurt or force yourself to think about the pain associated with the person or place in your memory? Harboring bad feelings is emotionally exhausting. Letting go of the hate will make you a stronger person. It takes hard work to honestly forgive someone, to extend your hand as you express your apology, but the reward is worth the risk.

Rebuilding the wall with love and forgiveness will expand your boundaries, hopefully even remove all boundaries. I have decided to forgive and to say I'm sorry to most of the people that really deserve these gestures. The ones that I have loved the most. Thankfully most of the apologies have been welcomed and long overdue. Thankfully God continues to bless me with things that I often do not deserve. I still have some demolition left, but starting to re-build with love and forgiveness. You can start too, "I'm Sorry" is where I started.

Live Like You Were Dying

Romans 8:1-11 (New International Version, ©2010)

Romans 8
Life Through the Spirit
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

I am not a big country music fan, but when my Dad was diagnosed the first time around with cancer my brother shared the song "Live Like You Were Dying" with my father and this Bible passage reminds me of this song.

During college my brother lost one of his good friends, Scott Rollins. Jake's friend was driving on the highway and his car collided head on with a drunk driver. Scottie and his girlfriend did not make it. I think this was my brothers first close friend that lost his life. He and all of his buddies had a pretty tough time wrapping their heads around it. When someone that is your age, shares your interests and looks a lot like you is here one day and gone the next, it is pretty life altering.

Jake has a big picture of Scottie in his office. I only met Scottie a couple times (during a few of the MANY beer runs that my brother and his friends required of the older sister), but when I look at the picture blown up in Jake's office it still shakes my world. Scottie had the same smile as my little brother. HUGE, every tooth showing, genuine smile that Jake has. That could have been my little brother in the accident. That could have been your little brother or your precious son in that car accident. Scottie was someone's son, someone's brother, someone's friend.

Scottie's huge group of friends, who I'm sure also questioned WHY, decided shortly after his passing that they were each going to LIVE life. They weren't going to sit back and watch their life pass them by. No longer were they going to sit on the sidelines and look on as the years passed them by. They were going to LIVE for Scottie. At his funeral, all these unbreakable, young, strong men listened intently as they played "Live Like You Were Dying" in honor of their friend that had been taken too soon. They vowed to be present in each moment of their lives. No longer taking for granted that the sun will rise another day. You just never know.

When my dad asked me if had ever heard the song I looked it up. I like the song much better when I simply read the lyrics (ok, I really don't like country music;)). I liked the lyrics and the reason Tim McGraw wrote the song immediately. Only later did my brother tell me of his reason for sharing the song with my dad and the connection to Scottie. Knowing Jake's reason for sharing the song with my dad allowed me to break my no listening to country music rule. My favorite lines from the song:

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look."

Small cell lung cancer has very unfavorable odds. The oncologist (Dr. Ritter if anyone needs a wonderful, to the point, oncologist) told my dad at his very first appointment to live each day, be present in each moment, don't wait to take a trip that you've been wanting to make. Live like you are dying. Most of the time in life we are completely unaware that our time on earth is nearing the end, but that does not mean that we can't live like we are dying!

Romans 8:1-11 is overflowing with hope. It depicts exactly how we can begin to live like we are dying. Although we are still physically in the flesh, we are also in the spirit, since the spirit of God lives in us. This passage is the solution to our sin. "2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death." In order to authentically live our life, we must feed this spirit living within us and starve the flesh that offers a life full of sin and death. Love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive freely, read the Good Book and take a good long hard look. Feed the spirit living within you! Live a life full of peace. Don't wait until the doctor reads the test results or the drunk driver decides to drive in the wrong lane. Live like you are dying.

You Can't Walk on Water, You Can Only Do Better

The unabridged version for the church Lenten devotional book written by the Woodville United Methodist Congregation...can't wait to read others interpretation of their scripture reading!

With every relationship comes a set of expectations, it is inevitable and unavoidable. Our spouse expects us to do our share of the housework, our employers expect us to do our share of the work load, and our children expect our love and affection. Every relationship we maintain has expectations attached to it, why would this be any different with our relationship with God? Have you taken the time lately to think about what God expects of you?

In Deuteronomy 10:12-22 many of God’s expectations are spelled out for us, simply stated and easy to read. “Fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.” That seems simple, right? Be a good person, love the outsider, serve the church, don’t outcast the stranger, give to the poor, respect your elders, pray, Fear God, and spread The word.

I think most Christian people fear God and would venture to say that the majority also loves Him, but this passage encourages you dig deeper. Do you serve the Lord with all of your heart and soul? Do you walk in his ways? Do you honestly love the outcast and defend the cause of an orphan? Does what you say and what you do reflect what you believe? Do you truly repent for your sins? Do you show true compassion to your neighbors or just maintain surface relationships in order to get by?

In the passage it reinforces that God does not accept bribes and shows no partiality. When your time here on earth is through you can’t tell God, “but I worked at the soup kitchen, I attended church regularly and I was kind to my neighbor”. You have to strive to meet His expectations each day, just as you strive to meet the expectations of your children, parents, spouse or employer. For some that could mean to volunteer at the soup kitchen or to attend church regularly, but the point is that is never enough. You can always do better, you can always attain the expectations you have set and then set them higher.

To meet these expectations is not quite as simple as merely reading the passage (and this passage is one of many passages that sets expectations on Christians). It is much more difficult to love more and judge less, offer your assistance to someone in need when you are tired, to hold yourself to a higher ethical standard, to have a positive attitude when you are feeling hopeless. As you think of ways to serve the Lord better, take time to think about what God expects of you. And although we should always fear God, also know that he is loving and good.

Even though we might not feel that we are meeting His expectations, remember: you can’t walk on water, you can only do better. The same God that has placed these expectations on you is the same God that loved you when you were at your weakest, loved you when you thought nobody else did. Expectations aren’t necessarily a bad thing; they should instead set us in motion to do better.

Take time to pray and educate yourself, even when you don’t understand why your loved one was taken too soon. Take time to help the friend in need, even if you’re tired. Actually be repentant and accountable for your sins. Fear God, but love Him too.


Deuteronomy 10:12-22 Fear the LORD
12 And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
14 To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. 15 Yet the LORD set his affection on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations—as it is today. 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. 17 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. 19 And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. 20 Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. 22 Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky.

She's not just a survivor;)

Everyone knows someone that has, has had, and/or didn't survive breast cancer. The survivors are very special people, so I will touch a little on that in this writing, but is certainly not the point of the post nor does being a survivor define them.

My cousin, that feels left out since she doesn't have her own post, certainly doesn't need a post to make her feel like one of a kind! She has always been one of a kind. She has always been selfless, caring and sympathetic. These attributes, plus a thousand more, have always radiated from her. Yet, she will not let it go, so here is her post!

From my very first memories of her, I can remember her laugh. Her very loud, boisterous, pure laugh that instantly makes you join her in laughter when you hear it. I remember that even when I'm positive she had many other (much cooler) things to be doing she made up my cheer for tryouts, practiced with me over and over and silently cheered me on as I completed my tryout. I remember hours of giggling as she would apply make-up and make my hair big for dances, special events or talent shows;) She knew that I preferred her to do it over Aunt Con so she would act like she wanted to do it and made it fun. Looking back, I know that she probably didn't want to be putting on my make up or doing my hair, but selflessly, she did it with a smile.

Whenever I would mess up, she was the first person to call to check in. Always ready with one of her horror stories and how she survived. My favorite is when my Granny caught her with one of her boyfriends, but no matter what the story was, it made me feel better. She is one of the best story tellers I know; making even the simplest reenactment into a hysterical comedy scene. Her laugh remains the same; pure, captivating and contagious. She is confident enough to laugh at herself and encourages you to do the same.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, the odds were not in her favor (totally downplaying here, just like she would). Did she stop laughing, did she stop living, did she think for a second that she wouldn't pull through? I'm sure she did, but she did not let on in front of too many people and she definitely didn't feel sorry for herself for too long. A couple times that I went to visit her she didn't have the strength or mindset to care if she had a wrap or wig on. To me this was terrifying. Every time I left her house or Sunday dinner at Granny's I would cry all the way home to Bowling Green. Even when the chemo and radiation was killing the cancer AND every other cell in her body, her heart and soul were strong. She didn't want to talk about how she was feeling or how the treatments were going. Instead she would tell me how she felt so bad for her parents and Chris that they had to watch her suffer. SHE WAS THE ONE SUFFERING, but she felt bad for her loved ones that had to watch her. Selfless, loving, honorable, one of a kind.

When I found out I was having a baby it took my amazing cousin approximately one day to show up with a unisex outfit. She couldn't wait, this was going to be the best thing in that happened in my life...whether I thought so or not. She is Lilly's sponsor because on top of all the rotten things that she had to experience, the doctor wouldn't clear her for adoption until she had been in remission for over three years. She wanted a little girl to dress up in the worst way. She showered my little one with love, clothes, accessories and is probably to blame for my two girlie girls and their wanting to wear a dress every day. She takes time and puts thought into things she gives, things she says and things she does.

Eventually she was able to adopt and I must tell you that her daughter is one of the cutest on all of the blocks of Woodville. Always dressed head to toe matching, accessorizing, gorgeous. From a young age she liked to pretend she was a Mommy and she is certainly a great Mommy to Mason and Mylie. She is a wonderful teacher, too, and not just to her students. She has taught me many life lessons and I am only one of the many people that can say this. She makes the world a better place to be.

Surround yourself with positive people for success. Heidi is one of these people. She makes you want to be a better person, friend, mother, sister, daughter, cousin. I hope everyone has a "Heidi" in their corner! So, my dear cousin, although you did not need a post to know this, please know that you really are my first best friend and I admire so many things about you! You are a survivor, but that is not what makes you one of a kind!

When you love someone, tell them

People that are "friends" with me on facebook probably think that the people that I hang out with can't really like me or each other that much. Ok, one of my friends actually told me this a while ago. Not quoting, but something to the effect that it is annoying that we post that we love each other and we miss each other all the time. Especially, since we see each other often and talk via facebook, text and cell phone all the time.

I was kind of self conscious about it for a while after she told me this. I don't know why, because I am not really one to worry about what people think, but it did make me think about things that I posted to my friends. I even told one of my friends, not knowing that she had just posted something from her heart on my page, that another one of my friends thinks that it's annoying when people post how much they miss each other or how they are a wonderful friend. She then commented that she probably should log on and delete her comment to me. I am glad she didn't.

When I logged on after talking to my friend, I had the chance to read about how she cherishes my friendship and that she is thankful for me in so many ways. I smiled and thought about the reasons that I cherish our friendship. I think about all the things that I learn from my friends, how they cry with me when I'm sad, how they love me even when I overstep my boundaries and I don't care if people think that is something that should be hidden, because I think it should be celebrated!

When you log in on your birthday or even when something tragic happens, it is encouraging to have 99 notifications of support. That many people took the time out of their day to write you a personal message. To you. Personally, I have secretly been boycotting the "Happy Birthday" on facebook, but I think I will return to wishing everyone a Happy Birthday after reading the comment below and reflecting.

It is amazing what a few kind words will do for someone. I wish we would do it more often. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, you made an old man feel young again.

In our crazy busy society I think it's great that my friends take the time out of their crazy busy day to tell me that they miss me, that they will not be satisfied until I make time for them or simply that they cherish my friendship. Friendship is very important and should be celebrated. So if you think it's annoying that we take the time to tell each other how much we cherish our friendships, please feel free to unfriend me. Because I think friendship is worth celebrating!

I will also let you in on a little secret! The person that made the comment about how silly it is that we all tell each other how much we miss each other emailed me the other day...I MISS YOU!! :) When you love someone, tell them!

Babies

Tomorrow two people that I know will walk into the hospital with a baby inside of them. Neither of them will take the baby home with them in a car seat. One baby has already been called home to be with God. One will be taken directly into child services. One mother will leave the hospital even more devastated to have the child out of her. One mother will be relieved to have the child out of her. Please pray for the mother of the child called home after only briefly feeling his/her Mommy's womb. Please pray for the child (and her four siblings) that would LOVE to go home with the mother left devastated and alone. I can't help but question WHY!

Why does God take babies?

Why does he allow the expecting parents to get SO excited only to leave them completely devastated?

Why are parents that are so willing to make the necessary sacrifices for the their children stripped of the opportunity?

Why are the parents that are in jail, addicted to drugs and most importantly the most distant thing from nurturing possible, able to have child after child without any complications?

I have witnessed many of my friends lose their unborn children. Some have heard the news shortly after the wave of excitement knowing that they are pregnant with their child. A couple have carried their babies until full term, picked and planned out the nursery. No matter how long the baby was living inside of them, each and every one of them are left completely devastated.

Every year on the due date or anniversary of death it brings them right back to that day they lost their baby. Every day when they see a child that would be close in age they think about how different their lives would have been. Every time they hear of another couple losing their child it brings that awful feeling of loss directly to the surface. Directly back to that precise second that the doctor told them their was no longer a heartbeat or handing the baby over to the doctors after the brief visit with their earthly body.

It just isn't fair and I can't help but question why.

I know the right answers, I suppose. I even emailed my friend going to have her baby taken out of her tomorrow the reasons why. He needed him/her for a very special reason and/or because he/she was going to be sick and He didn't want them to have to suffer in our earthly world.

I do believe that the parents will one day be reunited with their babies and that they will know immediately who they are because the love that you feel instantly when you find out you are pregnant is a bond that can not be broken. Not even if they are in heaven and you are here. I do believe that He must have a bigger plan in store for all of the parents that have lost their children.

Two of the mothers are now avid supporters of March of Dimes: walking, raising money and awareness in honor of their unborn children, Miley and Ava. One works harder for a cure for her living children than any one person is expected to do. Another spends her days at home showering her living children with all the love and support a child could ask for. So, like I told my friend, I don't know what her calling is, but she certainly has one. Cry, be devastated, but pick herself back up because she is a Mommy now and always.

Please pray for all the Mommy's and Daddy's feeling that empty spot in their heart today and everyday. Please pray for the children of the biological hatchery that they will feel some of the love we are sending as they meet their new sister.

Well before I started a public blog, many of my friends have been forced to read my scribblings...here are a couple edited for privacy. You have many silent supporters my dear friends.

I’ve thought and searched
For the right thing to say
But I can not even fathom.
As you look at her
Lay so peacefully
I can’t help but question.

Why now, what happened,
Did it have to end this way?
You were supposed to arrive so soon.
It’s just not fair
But life rarely is
In heaven I send you a balloon.

Help us now
to wipe the tears
Please take away the fear.
Your mommy and daddy
Need you now
To help them through the years.

Stay in their hearts
for now and always.
Let them know we are here.
I wish I could have held you
And told you stories
I hold so dear.

Stories of the
Way they looked
The day that they found out.
A little one
Was on the way
With so much love- no doubt.

To remind that
You were adored by all
From the very day we heard.
To know you would
Soon be an angel
Never once occurred.

I have never seen
The two people
Who created you with love
Be so emotion filled
Yet so strong
As they think of you above

Sweet, sweet child
I hope you know
Just how much we love you.
And pray for you safe exit
From the world
You barely knew.


As You Grieve and Pray

As you grieve and pray
Please know that we are here
We will be here through each
And every passing year.

We cannot claim to know
How you feel today,
But please understand we are sorry
More than words can say!

The life of a your unborn child
Will forever be treasured
And your love since the time you found out
Cannot even be measured!

Your baby recognizes this bond
That you and its siblings all share
And will always be looking in on you
Showing how much he/she cares.

The twin that survives
Will bring you such delight
But know that when they are hurting
They will never feel alone; there will be a constant light.

A light from the one
Who lived by their side
Inside Mommy’s tummy
Constantly hearing brother and Daddy’s great pride!

As you grieve and pray
Please know that we are here
We will be here through each
And every passing year.