Light>Negative Feelers

What feeds your feelings of resentment/anger/jealousy/frustration/shame/fear/doubt/sadness/insecurities/etc?

How do you combat those negative feelers?

Why do you let the negative thoughts rest in your mind at all?  How can you take the fuel away from the fire when it seems to be an uncontrolled mess; spreading fast like wildfire?

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, I would drink the negative feelers away.   If I was having a bad day, I would have multiple drinks and forget about whatever negative feelings were creeping in. *I still enjoy having drinks with my hubby and friends, but I don’t reach for a beer whenever I’m feeling down.*

Or, sometimes I would pretend the feelings that were building up inside of me weren’t really there at all.  Like if I pretended not to be hurt/sad/mad, that I wouldn’t feel the feelings at all. Fake it until you make it, right?  This contributed to the wall that I built to protect myself.  I wouldn’t let many people inside the wall around my heart. Some would probably suggest that I have never/will never let anyone completely in.  I’m a work in progress, you know;)

So last night, I was struggling with these thoughts on how to cope.  What is the best way to cope when you are fighting demons in your head?  What coping strategies can I pass on to the monsters?  I mean you can't really tell kids to go get a beer when they are upset, that's not "appropriate", right?!?

So, what coping skills do you use? Do you attempt to eliminate the things that feed the negative feelers? Concentrate on the positives instead?

I was even going to start a facebook thread…until I opened my Jesus Calling book!

December 29: "Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me... I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith... Consistently trusting in me is vital..."

It continues to talk about putting your faith in Him. Well, DUH!! Why didn’t I think of that sooner!?!

HELLO!?!?  COPING SKILL #1 and ONLY!  It’s been directly in front of, behind, beside me, and inside of me all along.

So, I took my Jesus Calling book and read the wise devotional.  I opened another devotional from one of my forever friends next. I sat in the quiet. **I used to HATE quiet.  I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t really like myself.  When it was quiet in my heart and head, it was easy for my mind to fill with thoughts of guilt, sadness, not being worthy.**  Last night, I sat in the quiet and prayed for light. Light to cast out the darkness in my heart. Light to take away the bad feelers and open my heart to all of the goodness.  Light that I know He provides for me whenever I ask.  In both the tiny trust-steps through daily life and in the dramatic leaps of faith, He is there.  ALWAYS.

I can teach that coping method to the monsters! I invite you to try it!  He’s actually a pretty cool dude, if you get to know Him.  He loves it when I am quiet and still.  It’s usually when we have the best conversations.  Where we have our most meaningful conversations.  Where I am filled with ways that I can change the world.  One tiny idea at a time, one small heart at a time, through and for Him, I choose light.

CHOOSE LIGHT.

XOXO,







(Thumper;))

OHTOBEAMAN Post 19457

Women: In your adult life, have you EVER taken your temperature? I mean, what's the point?  You know you're sick, you know you still have to do A, B and C, right?  Do you remember

Men: Do you take your temperature to validate your sickness to your spouse?

Purely posting as a study.  NOT because the world stops when men are sick and continues at 1,000 mph when women are sick!! NOT because the BM is sick.  Purely as a study!!! :P

PS to men: Your spouse doesn't care what number the thermometer reads. Take some medicine and take out the garbage.

At least he's cute!!

Vent Sess

Ya know?  I think I've completely earned my right to be negative, grumpy, miserable, and blah.  I've lived through sleepless nights with three monsters.  I've buried a parent.  I'm a work widow.  I've had my female parts removed, replaced and they still want to do a surgery or two more.  I smiled through chemotherapy and radiation. I over commit.  I volunteer too often. My car breaks down (A LOT). Bruce (Keegs fish) died. I have a hang nail.

I think I've earned the "right" to complain if I want to. So I've decided to have a vent session; I'm going to complain!! 

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of everyone COMPLAINING!!  About EVERYTHING!!

About your job-I promise VERY few people like their job all of the time.  It's why you receive pay for it, it's WORK.  

About being tired- EVERYONE is tired.  It's called LIFE. Drink a cup of coffee or a soda and move on.

About a school function/coaches/volunteers-VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME AND CHANGE IT.   {Oh, you're too busy? That's what I figured.}

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

So, I'll stop yelling:)

Recently, I had to remind one of my loved ones that it is VERY difficult to live with someone that is miserable.  When you can't find happiness in your heart, you bring the people around you down with you.  It's exhausting to try to remain positive when you're surrounded by negativity.

And why?! Is your life really THAT bad?  I understand that everyone is fighting a battle.  Trust me, I get this!!  But, I THINK (and hope and pray) that if we all focused on things like...

I'm so tired.  I'm very fortunate to have this baby keeping me up all night long.  I have MANY friends that would love nothing more than to have a baby keeping them up all night long.

This job is a dead end, but I am so fortunate to have a job.  Many families in this area are not so fortunate.

I'm not satisfied with this sports/school/after school program. I'm going to attend a meeting, ask questions and see if I can help!


I THINK that if we all focus on our blessings instead of reinforcing all of the negative that life seems to throw our way, that everyone wins.  Smiles are contagious, ya know!?

If you are really thinking your life just sucks, give me a holler.  I'll give you a story (or 10) that will make you realize how very blessed you are. 

Ahhhh, I feel better now.  Don't you? ;)  Spread some HOPE and CHEER this Christmas season!!  Be thankful for each day as it truly is a gift.

These are five of my favorite blessings:)
{Picture rights: Floods Photography}


 

Blessed beyond words, 

Laura

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

The day after Thanksgiving, things started a little different than usual in my small little corner of the world. We received notification that my grandmother was unresponsive and had been taken to the hospital.  I didn't want my mom to be alone when she went to visit her mommy in this state, so I joined her at the hospital before I went to work.

{I'm a great daughter and mommy.  Sometimes I'm a great wife. But, I'm not a wonderful granddaughter.  I didn't visit as often as I should before the dementia set in and I visited even less when she no longer knew who I was when I visited.  My children are better great-grandchildren and go with Mimi to visit more often than I do.}

When I saw my grandmother in the hospital bed, it was shocking.  Though she's been declining for a while, when you see someone that most of your life has told you how UGLY you are and (annoyingly) breaks out into song 99% of the time, it's disheartening to see them in this state.

*My family might use fat and ugly instead of actually admitting that they think you are beautiful.  That ANNOYING trait of singing all the time might not be as annoying as I once found it to be.  I might even join in the singing these days;)

After a couple days in this unresponsive state, we met with hospice.  The intake nurse was one of my fathers' nurses. I recognized him immediately and it was hit to my psyche, but I was ready.  I put on my big girl pants when I was dressing for the meeting.  I knew the drill.  Saturday was my third hospice meeting in young 33 years of life.  (I'm over them if you wondered!)  The nurse, Brian, was very kind and considerate as I have found all of the Hospice staff to be.  He answered any questions that my mom and aunt had. Everyone was in agreement that this should be the next step.

I did it all without letting a tear fall.  Even when I watched my mom and aunt tell my grandma just HOW MUCH THEY LOVE HER.

After the hospice meeting, they transferred my grandma back to the nursing home.  The nursing home has been her home for many years now. This afternoon I told the monsters I was going to visit her.  I have already told them that she is not well and she will most likely die soon.  I didn't ask any of them to join me.  Death is real, but it is not always pretty.

Camille whispered in my ear, "Do you think she'll die when you're there?"

"I can't say for sure, honey, but I don't think so." I responded.

Then she asked ever so sweetly, "Can I come with you then?"

When we walked in my grandmothers room, she opened her eyes immediately.  We introduced ourselves to my grandmother as she doesn't know who we are anymore. We told her a few fun things we had done recently.  She seemed to be following the conversation well.

Then, we started singing.  Going to the Chapel, K Sera Sera, Silent Night, Going on a Bear Hunt, whatever we could think of.  Whenever we stopped singing she would get restless.  She would try to talk or try to sit up.  I would ask her questions like: Are you in pain? Do you want to try a sip of water?  What do you need (as she was trying to sit up)?

Camille whispers to me, "Mom, I think she just wants us to sing to her.  When we sing, she smiles."

So I looked up the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" on my phone and Camille sang with me.  As I read and sang the lyrics, with my compassionate little girl on my lap, I couldn't help but to let a few drops sneak out.  GRACE. Grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home. GRACE.

Sure enough, grandma relaxed and smiled.  When we sang "Jesus Loves Me", she even mouthed some of the words. I'm so glad I said yes to my baby girl when she asked to join me in visiting her great-grandma.  I'm fairly certain it was just the right dose of grace that my grandmother needed.  I know that it was the grace my soul needed to feel. I hope Camille will someday realize what a blessing she is to all who know her.

UPDATE: As I post this blog, my mom reports that my grandma is once again unresponsive.  Death is real, but hope is too. Hope that the remainder of her life is pain free and comfortable. Hope that when she's ready, that she is greeted with open arms by those who went before her. Hope that grace will lead her home.

 And grace will lead me home.

 "’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home." Amazing Grace by John Newton

Not Alone

Not alone.

 

“How do you do it?”  …..  “I could never do what you do!” ……  

These are statements that fall on my ears almost daily. As if I am some sort of super hero or worse, something foreign or weird.   Believe me when I say I am a far cry from a super hero. I promise I am human (which I guess can make me a little weird at times).  With my human status comes all kinds of traits: I love/I dislike, I hug/I push, I comfort/I yell, I’m happy/I get mad, and many, many more, more that I am sure we all have at some point possessed.   I used to answer those questions and comments with “I don’t know” or “I often wonder the same thing myself”.    

​See here recently (1 year, 6 months and 11 days ago, but who’s counting), my life changed dramatically.  My husband and I took a leap of faith and completed the process to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.  We started with the intention of just adopting; we too had similar feelings that may be creeping up on you just at the word foster.  Take in a child and then just give it back??   How could I ever do that?  Well after completing the training, our minds shifted gears. That is one of the human traits I am thankful for: the ability to change my mind.  

We found out the alarming need for foster families and our hearts changed. At the time we became approved to foster, we were home number 10 for Sandusky Co.  Believe me when I tell you the need is WAY WAY WAY WAY bigger than 10!!   I think a few more have been added since, but still nowhere near enough.  So we decided to take a risk and switch to just foster and respite (baby sit for other foster parents).  We received a call to do a weekend respite for a brother(3)/sister(6) pair a few weeks before receiving our license.   

Holy crap!  I fell head over heels for those little duckies. My heart screamed loud and clear, THESE WILL BE YOUR KIDS ONE DAY!!!!   This can’t be happening to me, I don’t know anything about them, they could be headed back to their parents, they could have family stepping up, their foster parents could also feel like I do, who wouldn’t?  “Self, calm down, trust the system, they will get the best home for them”.    

Then a little over a month and a few turn downs later, we accepted our foster placement: an almost 6 year old little girl and her 4 year old brother.   *Side note, if this is a journey you ever decide to start, know exactly what you will and can accept and handle.  We knew with both of us working full time we could not give proper care to a baby or a child with special needs.  School age was our calling and we stuck to it.  A well thought out placement is less likely to be disrupted (children removed from your home).*  Three months later we received the call that their older sister, then 7, could no longer stay with the family member that was trying to help.  

 In the mean time, the first two duckies  from the respite stay were still weighing heavy on my heart.  They were coming to visit any chance I had to have them with us. 

And there you have it- BAM!! Family of 3, (me, my husband, and my 10 year old son) now a family of 8!!!   1 year, 6 months and 11 days after official license date here I stand, here WE stand.  We are in the process of adopting the 2 from respite and still going strong fostering a sibling group of three.  

I don’t know what is going to happen to them, but I do know the time they have and will spend with me has been nothing less than amazing.  I believe I have learned more from all of them than any schooling or class could ever teach, and I can only hope they have learned just as much.

How do I do it?   I finally learned the answer to this mysterious question.  And you know what...I don’t!  At least not alone.  

WE do it.  We, being the support system I am surrounded by. A support system I am oh so thankful for. A system that I have seen fail for too many people.  My kids' parents love their children; they didn’t choose the sour life that fell upon them.  No one wakes up and says “Hey, I think I will become a drug addict today” or “you know today is a good day to not provide for my kids”.  

 

People often wonder how I can stick up for them, the kids' parents?  Well, I have seen the desperate look in their eyes.  I have even been told “Thank you, you are the only person that has ever made me feel like I can do this and get better”. ME??  The only person!  How can this be?  Where was her support system?  

Well, I met them, her support system, not too long ago...at her funeral.  Most of her "support system people" were still floating on the same boat she sadly fell from. They were suffering from a vicious cycle that is plaguing our community.  A cycle that needs to be broken!  A cycle that no one can defeat alone.

Embrace your system, nurture it.   I don’t and could never be a biological, foster, adoptive, whatever label you want to throw in front of it, parent, alone.   We do it.  

Me, my amazing husband, our parents, our siblings, their spouses, our nieces, our cousins, our friends, the school system, the day care, the 4H leaders, the coaches, the church, the neighbors, the grocery store clerk or waitress that always compliments them and smiles so sweetly, and so forth.   I could go on forever, as long as I am not alone. If you ever feel like you don’t have a support system, become someone’s, chances are you already are.  No one can do it alone.   Together we can do anything!! Together, our community can rise above and break this cycle.  

Sincerely,  

A thankful Momma Duck of 6

(P.s.  to anonymous community member, your selfless gift brought up a conversation where I learned 2 of my duckies have never even been to a theater before!!!  Oh the joy they all will receive brings tears to my eyes)

The more we take, the less we become!

 "The more we take, the less we become.
The fortune of one, means less for some."

 -Sarah McLachlan

I wasn't going to share this story with you.  Not because I don't think that it's worthy of writing about or because it's not important.  I guess to be honest, sometimes I FEEL (nobody actually says things like this to me;)) like when I write, people think I'm doing it for attention or because I feel like the way I give is better/more important than the way "you" give or I don't know?!?  I know it's MY insecurities that I'm allowing to leak into my brain, but surprisingly, I am human.

But, then I told my adult Sunday school class the story I'm about to share with you and with tear filled eyes, they decided they wanted to do something like this for another family in our community.  And I thought to myself, "Get over your doubts and fears and write a freaking post already!!" See, when I go a month/two without posting, it's usually because I'm feeling vulnerable/misunderstood/insecure.  (PLEASE DON'T POST LAURA GUSH COMMENTS BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME!  I feel fine, just normal demons in my own pretty little head that everyone else fights, but doesn't write/talk about!)

Anyways, back to the post. The more we take, the less we become.

Last week, a friend emailed me and asked if I knew of any families that I felt deserving of a little extra Christmas cheer.  This friend offered me $250 to spend on making Christmas a little more manageable for a family AND to give an experience they might not otherwise have the opportunity to have.

HOW AWESOME!! I was and am so honored that this friend trusted me to select a family:) And how AMAZINGLY SELFLESS TO GIVE TO A FAMILY ANONYMOUSLY.

Anyways, with the cash in hand, I thought about something that a family of EIGHT might not get to do often.  So, I bought $100 to the movie theater.  I also purchased a $25 gift card for each monster.  I used Aaron's money (he's working 12's while I'm working very little due to the latest surgery;)) to put together a basket of movie night themed fun.

This family of 8, let me tell you a little about them.  You may know some of them, but probably don't know much about their story if you do...

 Once upon a time there was a family of three.  The very loving parents decided to sign up to be foster parents. FOSTERING is so important.  I always think about it.  (Aaron loves when I even mention fostering children;))  I struggle with the fact that IF the biological mom/dad cleans up, that you have to give the child(ren) back! I can't imagine having a child(ren) live with me, love me, and then give them back to their (often useless) parent.  It's heartbreaking to think of...let alone live! 

I have made these types of statements to the mother of the family.  Bluntly she has told me that if she didn't give them this love and support, who would!?!  There are more children in the system than they have foster parents enrolled.  Temporary homes that the children are bounced back and forth between until they find foster care and then what? Wait to see if the biological donor can get clean? Hope to have the child adopted?  Hope to have the child adopted with their sibling/five siblings?  Who can financially and emotionally take on an additional six children?

So, this amazing family of three started fostering half of the six children.  In the meantime they fell in love with another set of siblings and have since finalized the adoption of two additional littles.  For the time being, their family of eight is happy and healthy.  The mother loves ALL of the six "duckies" (as she refers to them) as if she carried them all in her belly and was there for their first cry and first smile.  These children: the biological, adopted and fostered, are all so loving and kind.  

When I walk into the school (yes, they live right here in this community!) they run up to me and hug me as if this is the first time seeing a forever friend in many years.  Every.single.time. they run up to hug me, I get a paper cut in each eyeball. I think of how they started out in this crazy world.  How drugs and alcohol have permanently scarred these beautiful, loving children.  As I think of what will happen next for the three in foster care, it makes me physically ill.

BUT, right now, they are happy and healthy and I am BLESSED BEYOND WORDS to know them and be a teeny, tiny part of their lives. 

So, this weekend, I invited this family that I hold dear over for a play date.  (Not many people are brave enough to invite a family of 8 over for a play date, it turns out.  If you have ever thought about hosting one, I'll have you know that my house was restored to pre-play date (cluttered mess) within a half hour of them exiting the door. They are all very helpful and willing to pick up when it's time to leave...oh and they say please and thank you for everything and their hugs are only second place to my own little monsters...and I'm a tad partial to my own monster family;))

I waited for a window of time that it was only the mother and I in the room.  I gave her the card with a loving note thanking her for all that her and her hubby do.  She said that they have NEVER taken the entire family to the movie theater at one time.  One of the duckies has NEVER been to the theater!  She hugged me just like her little duckies hug me when I see them.  She asked me to pass along their endless gratitude to the family that offered them such an amazing gift.  Thank you, dear anonymous selfless givers.  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

http://sanduskycountydjfs.org/cmsms/index.php?page=Adoption-and-Foster-Care

Thank you to this mother and father that so willingly give love and kindness to all of their duckies.  Thank you to ALL of the foster and adoptive parents for all you do. Thank you to all who give selflessly from the heart.

I was listening to Sarah on my way into work today and couldn't help but to think about how I feel so full when I give, yet I feel so empty when I take.  

This CHRISTmas season, give more than you take.  You will be so proud of the person you become when you give back.

 "The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one, means less for some."

All my love,

FOCUS!!

FOCUS!!

For goodness sake
Oh my golly-gee
Circus would describe my brain
Understanding the random thoughts is impossible
Seriously, need to FOCUS!!


So, as you prepare for a surgery, it's kind of like nesting.  You think of everything you would normally do in a month and cram it into a weeks time.  Ok, this might not be how NORMAL people prepare, but it's the way I do.

This week is crazy-busy because of it, so OF COURSE life happens.

Tonight, after the job I get paid for, I picked up monster #1 from extra curricular activity #5,396,391.  On the way, I received a call from my overly exhausted (#@(%$)&@# swing shit) husband: "Keegan just stepped on a nail and it went through his shoe into his foot."

WONDERFUL, he's covered, he has a tetanus vaccine recently, how bad is it?  Ok, he'll live?  Move on.

Hop in #1, we have to run errands.  Stop to drop off softball equipment that SHOULD have been turned in, ohhhhhhh 4 months ago.  (That was moved to the attic, ohhhhhh, two days ago.  After Aaron worked all night I stopped him in the garage, uuuhhhhh, honey, I need that equipment down.  Yes, right now.  Yes, I know you JUST put it up there.  Yes, I will get the same equipment back next spring:))

Ok, now we are going to get Papa's truck and get some hand-me-down furniture for Camille's room.  Yes, Uncle Paul, a skirt and dress shoes are currently approved as proper furniture moving clothes.  No, I will not speed in your awesome truck.  What?  No, I didn't know it had a Hemi...see ya later!! We'll be back when the tank is empty:)

*** Super big thanks to the Drossel family for the awesome desk and hutch and to Gary Thatcher for helping me unload:)

Ring, ring: What, Camille doesn't feel well?  Ok, well let's just eat at home then.  I'll be home after I drop off Uncle Paul's truck.

What's the matter, honey?  Ok, well, eat some dinner and then go lay down with Daddy.  Hopefully you just need some rest.

Keegan, sweet boy, it's Nov. 5th, we do NOT have to have the entire reading log completed!! FINE, one more book.

Oh, my gosh, you have GOT to be kidding me!! Keegs, honey, I think Bruce went to heaven. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. COMPLETE BREAKDOWN.  I don't want Bruce to go to heaven. He's my fishy. How am I going to live without him?  I'm going to miss him so much.  SOBBING for 45 minutes until I FINALLY got him to sleep. 

Oh, that laundry and dishes that needed done?  Not happening.  I'll try again tomorrow!! 

So, if I seem A LITTLE preoccupied when you run into me this week, it's because I'm mentally making lists of the things that need done before I have surgery.  Slightly overwhelmed;)

----------------------------

Yes, this is a planned surgery.  Nothing new is going on with my young body other than I was FINALLY toning my flab and able to workout. SOOOOOOOOOO, of course it's time for another surgery!!

I'm having my tissue expanders (the things they put in to allow foob expansion over time) taken out and replaced with more permanent implants. A couple of my warrior friends joined me for the final foob pump up and surgery pep talk. * Ok, it was more  Laura yelling at doctor for not doing the surgery he went to school for the way she wanted talk, but you know, ya win some, ya lose some.* Thanks so much for joining me, Rhiannon and Heidi!  Great conversations and new friendships...a couple of my favorite things:)

Anyways, it's an outpatient surgery, so it will be less invasive that the first surgery.  I'm not nervous or scared for the pain, just pissed that I have to start this recovery period baloney over again!!!

Ok, I have to FOCUS on SLEEP so I can get more accomplished tomorrow!!

Surgery nesting isn't as fun as baby nesting, but I guess Aaron gets a new toy to play with.  They claim the new foobs will feel much more real than the rock-like expanders that I have now;)

Just in case you wondered what happens when you leave your phone unattended OR if the Foob talk wasn't enough for you today, here is a nipple picture for your viewing pleasure:)

No, when I had nips, they were NOT this hairy!! :)


XOXO,

4 Years and I Still Smell Your Cologne

Cologne, when worn by a person forever, becomes their scent.  My dad wore Obsession by Calvin Klein.  I still have a bottle in my medicine cabinet.  I don't need to open the lid to smell it though, I just have to close my eyes and concentrate.

Concentrate on times that he was SO mad at me. When you're mad, you perspire and it makes your cologne stronger:)

Concentrate on times, even as an adult, that he would tell me to climb on the chair to sit with him.

Concentrate on times, that make me anxiously wait for my kids to break a window so that I can make them paint a picnic table TOGETHER as punishment.

Daily and I don't need to concentrate on times that Keegan looks at me and tells me "no". Or gives this crooked grin daring me to TRY to make him listen and I roll my eyes into the sky because I know my dad is LOVING this payback.

Or times like last night when I sent some of my family the recording of me singing (attached) to my dad on the way home from work last night and Heid responds with this:

"I was looking at the sky tonight and the clouds were cracked open letting beautiful Rays of sunshine pour through.  I always get the feeling that it's a sneak peak of heaven bursting out.  Now I'm pretty confident that was for that beautiful song you were singing to your daddy.  Thanks so much for sharing it.  My heart needed that too.  Oh to see those long knobby knees saunter up and kiss you leaving his good smelling cologne behind.  Just one more time. Or maybe one hundred.  To hear his voice bursting with pride... for all of your strength... Accomplishments....and to see him love on and brag on all those babies...I love you all... And am sending extra love up to heaven tonight for you Uncle Markie!!!!"

http://youtu.be/rOWM94Qb63c

*I was driving and singing, so ignore the car noises!* And thanks for the back-up, Sarah McLachlan;)

ALWAYS on times when I need to call you.  When I'm scared or happy, confident or humble, alone by myself or alone in a crowd of people.

We all miss you dearly.


 Daddy's Girl,

Pearl is the new Pink!

Friday morning I walked my monsters to school.  I walk them to school nearly every Friday.  This particular Friday I didn't stay and help in any of the classrooms because I had a lunch date.  A lunch date with a friend that needed some love and support.  She was preparing her heart for difficult conversations.

So, I left my little monsters in their classrooms and I started my walk home.  When I reached the traffic light, I noticed one of Camille's friends running with her brother.  Her sweet, big, blue eyes were fighting the tears. A few drops had already slipped over the edge before I scooped her into my arms.

We ironed out that the young siblings were rushing to get to school on time.  I asked her big brother to run ahead so he wasn't late (and so that he'd stop pressuring her to run;)).

 I held hands with this beautiful white-blonde little girl as we walked to her classroom.  I tried to take the focus away from any thoughts of the heaviness that I'm positive she was feeling at home or the rushed feeling she was sensing from her brother.  We talked about her stylish teacher, some of the crazy kids in her class, and the tears started to dry up.

When we reached her classroom, I cuddled her into my arms and winked at my own little monster.  I'm sure Camille was thinking: I wonder what my Mommy is doing back at school again?  I'm also betting she could sense from my wink that her sweet little friend could use a little extra loving to get her through the day.

---------------------------

Little did this precious girl know that I've been praying for her and her family nonstop since I heard about the diagnosis.  The lunch date that I was preparing for was with her Mommy.

Her Mommy recently learned that she has lung cancer. 

(DID YOU KNOW LUNG CANCER COLOR IS PEARL!?!?!  PLEASE ADD SOME PEARLS TO YOUR PINK!!)

She's been in and out of the hospital during this time of uncertainty.  From experience, I can tell you that this is a VERY difficult time for the family.  You're trying to shelter your young children from the nightmare playing on repeat inside your head, but you can't quite reach the pause button long enough to focus on anything else.

 Anyways, I went and grabbed lunch and headed over to visit with her Mommy.  Her Mommy, that I have called a friend for nearly 10 years (mostly because she's stubborn, blunt and  opinionated and I don't know ANYONE like that;)) had her game face on.

I knew Mommy was planning to tell this blue eyed 6 year old girl, her big brother (4th grade) and her older sister (freshman in college) when they all returned home from school.  I was there to offer a little last minute support as Heidi prepared for the MOST.AWFUL.HORRIBLE.NOTFAIR.SHITTY. conversation you can ever imagine with her beautiful children.  

So, last week when I said my heart physically hurt, it was because it's filled with heartbreak for the Holub family. Heidi, Brian, Lexy, Robbie and Abbey could use some prayers right now as Heidi prepares to fight for her life.

Wear your pearls and pray.  Once treatment starts, Heidi has promised to let her friends know what can be done to help ease this burden and I'll share whatever they come up with to help.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

All my love, support and HOPE,

Unsure, Insecure, Uncertain

 So, I read this quote on Pinterest:

"Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner's flaws."

BEEP BEEP BEEP: We interrupt this blog post for a very important (emoji) lesson!!!

 And I made this face:   

**A lot of people misuse this emoji.  This emoji is when you're thinking, "Oh crap" or something bad happens in real life you look like this (Yes, Monigo, I still wear your pretty handmade scarf:)):

Anyways, I've been wanting to clear up the meaning of this emoji for a while, but that's not the point of this post, so here is the definition on emojipedia. Did you know they had an emojipedia!?!?!: http://emojipedia.org/grimacing-face/

_________________________________

 Back to the post, I started thinking about life.  Friendships, relationships, parenting (oh no, parenting!!) and how I don't want to push my insecurities on my monsters, Ron or my friends...BUT totally do!!  

When I'm feeling insecure, unsure, or uncertain, my first instinct is to push back against those feelings in the form of sarcasm, defense, or trying to justify my feelings in some way/shape/form.  I'm TRYING to retrain my brain to be honest with my husband and friends instead. 

Side Story:

 Instead of communication tonight when I pulled in the driveway to monsters full of MUD, I was instantly FURIOUS and resorted to cold, spiteful, berating wife.  You know, speaking in sentences with the least amount of words possible combined with an uncaring tone, welcoming an argument?  (I'm really good at this.  I've had years of practice!)

Well, Aaron's dealt with my antics long enough that he combats them with slamming the door and giving me a few minutes (HOURS) to cool off before he returns. 

When he returned, I had worked out, cleaned the disaster known as our children, written part of this rambling and cooled off.  I told him I was frustrated instantly because I knew I was going to have to take care of the mess he allowed the children to find. 

"Laura, I had planned to give them a bath!"

In my head though there was NO WAY that was his intention, he was just making more work for me. 

_______________________

SQUIRREL!!

 _______________________

Back to the quote, I feel like it is SO.MUCH.HARDER. to face insecurities with truth and vulnerability.  It is so much easier to twist them into someone else's flaw(s) or bad trait(s)!!

I mean, it can't possible be MY fault that this/that/another thing happened, RIGHT!?!?!? ;)

Work in progress:  Working on facing my insecurities, unsure feelers, and uncertain circumstances head on. 

Join me?


XOXO,

FUCANCEROFALLCOLORS!

Faith Journal Part 2

The two words we (the youth group got to pick the words this time) picked to find verses that are meaningful to them are HAPPY and ANGRY.

I asked the youth to look up at least one verse that has/will help them get through a period of their life when they are feeling Happy and one that they enjoy reading when they are feeling angry.  When we meet again, we will discuss the scriptures that we selected and add to our own faith journal.

{In an attempt to make the youth understand that I truly care about them, I have attended a girls soccer game and a volleyball game (hoping to get a boys soccer game next week). I think visibility is important when you're at the difficult high school age and hopefully they will recognize that I'm there for their fun events and be more willing to share their not so fun events with me;)}

Back to the faith journals!!

I have been working on HAPPY and ANGRY a little bit, but started another part of my journal.  I'm calling it "Prayer is the Pipeline to God"!  I split my journal into three parts and this will be my 2nd part. 

In this section, I plan to write stories/scripture/quotes that make me realize I am HIS pipeline.  YOU are too!  (Pipeline is Nan's word, so it's only natural that the first pipeline entry is relating to her)

 

My dearest Nan,

I hope you understand how much I love you.  Just thinking about you brings a smile to my face.  On many of my bad days you have showed up, in His time, just in time to save me from my despair.

Since you requested us to pay it forward rather than buying you a gift, I have completed your request.  I know you don’t know much about FB, but this is what I posted:

“Oh, Oh, Oh, Almost forgot!! Nan requested to pay it forward instead of buying her a gift...Remember, she's what I want to be when I grow up!! 

So, anyways, I thought about what I wanted to do to pay it forward. I want to surprise a few people that need a pick me up. The first 3 people that send me a private message that includes a little bit of why a FRIEND OF YOURS (Can't request for yourself...sorry, that's the only rule) needs a pick me up will get a surprise from me...if I don't know your friend, include an address to send it to!”

Well, this is what came of it since I know how you love to see how He works, how He uses us a pipeline, how if we focus on Him each one of us can make a huge difference in this crazy world.

The first request came from my preschool teachrt.  Her request was simple, but SO full of emotion. She said that her brother, misses my dad more than I will ever know. So, in your birthday honor, I'm going to make a pillow out of one of my dad's old tshirts:) The kids are all about sewing lately...we might enjoy it more than her brother! :) Thanks for the inspiration...tears of remembrance and so much love!!

            The next request came from an aunt.

I saw your post about a pay it forward in honor of  Nan. The person that I think could use a pick me up would be my nephew's wife. Early in their pregnancy they found out that the baby boy they were carrying has complications with his chromosomes. They made the choice to continue the pregnancy even knowing the outcome would be he would not survive. He was born on August 1 & died 57 minutes later. She got her wish to hold him in her arms and show him her unending love. She has continued to pump milk even after his death to help other mothers and babies in need. She is having a hard time and is still very full of emotions and is now preparing to go back to work soon. 

They named him Bentley Robert.

I was there when he was born and the hospital had an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take photos and they also had a close friend of theirs who sat quietly in the corner and took photos that are so full of love and emotion. It still breaks my heart and makes me realize how lucky I am to have the two healthy monsters that I do.

Nan, in honor of your birthday, I ordered a bracelet with "Mother to an Angel Bentley Robert 8-1-14" inscribed on the inside and plan to send the Mommy a card that we are praying for her and her sweet little family.

The final requests came from Petunia:

Sunshine could use a pick me up. She has worked extra this week & is dealing with health issues dad has. Rainbow was in the hospital this week;)

For Sunshine, I invited her over to pizza with a couple other friends tonight.  I think she probably could use some girl time the most.  I plan to make some cookies and drop them off to Rainbow this weekend along with a cute note;) EDIT: MORE ON THIS PIPELINE STORY LATER.

All of this simply because I love you and hope you have the best year yet. 

Happy Belated Birthday, Nan!!  I hope I grow up to be half as amazing as you are!!

Love, Laura

 ___________________________________

I truly believe if we are still and quiet, we can be used as a pipeline.  Prayer is the Pipeline to God.

I will not share all of my pipelines here on the blog, but thought this would give you a good idea of what I was thinking...

Also, I have not completed the pillow and have not sent the bracelet yet, so please don't post this to facebook. Just for the faith journal followers!

All my love,

What is Your Favorite Direction?

I am married to someone who has an invisible compass on the end of his nose. He will say to me, kiddingly (because he knows I struggle with N, E, S & W) “remember that house on Perry Street, you know the one, it sits north east to the red house on the west end of the south of the blue house?” I usually end up saying, “you mean catty corner? Is it catty corner from the water plant? Is it a pretty green house with white trim? Red door? You know, across from the empty lot?” Directions for him come so very easy.

I love the fact that directions are also used when it comes to theatre. Nothing more rewarding when one of my theatre kiddos realizes that there is a difference between stage left, stage right, upstage, down stage and of course backstage. They are most familiar with backstage because of course, that’s where most of their hilarity ensues while the director is not looking.

Cooking directions? For the most part, I am good with those. Other than the occasional old recipe that I may come across (thanks Grandma!) that tells me to put in a “handful of this, or a pinch of that” which of course makes me think, “I have small hands. Do I put in more? Or do I just do the handful?” 

Taking direction is a whole other subject. Supervisors tell us what needs to be completed for a job; parents give us a set of rules and regulations to follow in hopes that we will learn something about discipline and as well as becoming responsible adults. We have to abide by law or pay the penalty. Coaches, teachers, policemen, anyone in charge are people we have to listen to and take direction and hopefully, take it well. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, my mouth is usually the first thing that gets me into some type of hot water.

So..do you have a favorite direction? I never did until this past weekend. And honestly? It is something that I really never even thought about.

My soon to be five-year-old granddaughter Lucy had the following conversation with her mother late last week: “Mom, what is your favorite direction?”

Courtney, my daughter, said the question caught her off guard and she answered, “I don’t know.” But knowing that Lucy had something to say about this subject she asked, “Lucy, what is your favorite direction?”

Lucy answered, quite simply, “Left.”

Courtney then asked her why left was her favorite direction and she said, as only a four year old can say, “Because when we drive to Woodville, we turn left onto the big road (Route 20) then we turn left onto the next road (Lime Road), then we turn left again (First Street) and then we turn left one more time, into Mimi’s driveway.”

Lucy’s favorite direction is left because it brings her directly to my house.

I’ve given that sweet sentiment so much thought over the past few days. First, I am amazed that she counts the left turns and realizes where she is going. Second, I cannot describe the love that is in that statement and how it makes me feel. Knowing that she delights in those left turns because it brings her to my back porch, into my house, onto my lap gives me the greatest joy known to any grandparent. And third, it has given me a whole new insight to my favorite direction.

Up.

I love the feeling your belly gets when you fly up into the sky on a swing.

There is nothing like getting up out of your seat to scream like a teenager (when you are closer to 56) when you see your favorite Beatle looking at you in the eye, pointing at you and giving you a grin. (Love you, Ringo).

Up is how I feel when I spend time with girlfriends. No matter what is going on in my life or theirs, getting together for some laughter (which we do, in droves) is something I cherish, and most importantly, crave.

Up is the direction I head each night with my little dog, she runs ahead of me, waiting at the top of the stairs and then jumps up into my lap when I sit down just waiting for me to smoosh her face with kisses (don’t judge).

Grabbing onto my husband’s hand as he pulls me up out of reclining position on the ground or in a chair makes me happy to know that he is able to not only pull me up, but wants to pull me up and then into an embrace.

I have tall, strong, son-in-laws who are both upbeat and happy men. I love looking up at their faces as they gaze back at their wives, the love evident on their faces.

Up is where I lifted my own babies when they were little, arms outreaching, smiling, asking only as my Molly could ask,”Uppy –do, Mommy, uppy-do.” (we still laugh about her saying those words to me).

My Grandma used to tell her grandchildren “I will let you sit on my lap until your feet touch the ground.” And when our feet touched the ground, she would lift up our legs and tuck them under her arm so that they only touched her and she could hold us that much longer. I’ve said the same to my own to little loves, Lucy and AJ. This Mimi loves lifting them up, putting them up on my lap after they have woken up from a nap.

Up is where we look when we need guidance, or reassurance…to our parents, our teachers, our bosses and most importantly, to our Father. Sometimes I search that sky, seeking out the clouds, trying to make faces or shapes out of them and realize that the vastness up there is over powering and beautiful. And I pray that those that have gone before me are also seeing my upturned face and loving me right back.

I thank Lucy, my sweet girl who has the wisdom of an old lady for giving me a head’s up that we all need direction now and again.

Yup..it’s up.

It will always be up.

What’s your favorite direction?

Lovingly written by Marcia  Busdeker

There's No Place Like Home

 The Ville, The Village, Hooterville, Woodpile, The Dirty Wood, The Cop Shop, The Speed Trap, Hoodville, Weirdville, The Town NOT to be Mistaken for Gibsontucky, The Twilight Zone, Whoville, Whatville, The Dirty, Wildville, The "Other" Woodville (not the Woodville Mall), Skullyville, Woodtucky, The Bubble, The Lime Capital of the World

Whatever you want to call it, to many of us, it's HOME.  I asked Chel for a Quincy update and during our text conversation she wrote: "I sure love Woodville and wouldn't leave it for anything!! (Except MAYBE Elmore;))"

Even if you aren't from Woodville, you can relate to the feeling of HOME.  Even after the most wonderful vacation, it is an amazing feeling when you crawl into your own bed.   

Quincy is back in her own bed!  Her sleep schedule is a bit off because of the surgery/hospital stay, but she looks pretty cozy and peaceful if you ask me! :)

 

 Everyone in the family is starting to get back to their regular routine.  Dada went back to work on Wednesday.  His place of employment has been supportive and understanding throughout the testing, delay and surgery process. The girls are so very happy to have their whole family under one roof.  Quincy is still taking Tylenol a few times a day, but happy, trying to crawl, and just as sweet as ever!!

Look at all the little mothers with their baby:)

The meals have been delish and the girls are loving the extra special attention and love. Everyone is so nice and generous...

There's no place like home!!

 Continued prayers for Q and Bauders for continued recovery!

Prayers for my warrior sister, Jacki who got her new foobs yesterday:)

Continued prayers for Erica.  I know you guys have been praying for her since I asked last week.  Her appointment did not go as well as hoped.  She has a spot of concern that the doctors are being aggressive with IN CASE it's growing.  It very possibly could be radiation effect.  Either way, please continue to pray for her.  That her new treatment is tolerable and is able to get that concerning spot under control.

Lots of prayers for Tara Young...for her discharge from the hospital, for peace of mind after missing most of the trip she took so long to plan, and complete healing so we can drown out the sorrows of the rotten vacation in wine when her family returns from Florida. 

XoXo,