’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

The day after Thanksgiving, things started a little different than usual in my small little corner of the world. We received notification that my grandmother was unresponsive and had been taken to the hospital.  I didn't want my mom to be alone when she went to visit her mommy in this state, so I joined her at the hospital before I went to work.

{I'm a great daughter and mommy.  Sometimes I'm a great wife. But, I'm not a wonderful granddaughter.  I didn't visit as often as I should before the dementia set in and I visited even less when she no longer knew who I was when I visited.  My children are better great-grandchildren and go with Mimi to visit more often than I do.}

When I saw my grandmother in the hospital bed, it was shocking.  Though she's been declining for a while, when you see someone that most of your life has told you how UGLY you are and (annoyingly) breaks out into song 99% of the time, it's disheartening to see them in this state.

*My family might use fat and ugly instead of actually admitting that they think you are beautiful.  That ANNOYING trait of singing all the time might not be as annoying as I once found it to be.  I might even join in the singing these days;)

After a couple days in this unresponsive state, we met with hospice.  The intake nurse was one of my fathers' nurses. I recognized him immediately and it was hit to my psyche, but I was ready.  I put on my big girl pants when I was dressing for the meeting.  I knew the drill.  Saturday was my third hospice meeting in young 33 years of life.  (I'm over them if you wondered!)  The nurse, Brian, was very kind and considerate as I have found all of the Hospice staff to be.  He answered any questions that my mom and aunt had. Everyone was in agreement that this should be the next step.

I did it all without letting a tear fall.  Even when I watched my mom and aunt tell my grandma just HOW MUCH THEY LOVE HER.

After the hospice meeting, they transferred my grandma back to the nursing home.  The nursing home has been her home for many years now. This afternoon I told the monsters I was going to visit her.  I have already told them that she is not well and she will most likely die soon.  I didn't ask any of them to join me.  Death is real, but it is not always pretty.

Camille whispered in my ear, "Do you think she'll die when you're there?"

"I can't say for sure, honey, but I don't think so." I responded.

Then she asked ever so sweetly, "Can I come with you then?"

When we walked in my grandmothers room, she opened her eyes immediately.  We introduced ourselves to my grandmother as she doesn't know who we are anymore. We told her a few fun things we had done recently.  She seemed to be following the conversation well.

Then, we started singing.  Going to the Chapel, K Sera Sera, Silent Night, Going on a Bear Hunt, whatever we could think of.  Whenever we stopped singing she would get restless.  She would try to talk or try to sit up.  I would ask her questions like: Are you in pain? Do you want to try a sip of water?  What do you need (as she was trying to sit up)?

Camille whispers to me, "Mom, I think she just wants us to sing to her.  When we sing, she smiles."

So I looked up the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" on my phone and Camille sang with me.  As I read and sang the lyrics, with my compassionate little girl on my lap, I couldn't help but to let a few drops sneak out.  GRACE. Grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home. GRACE.

Sure enough, grandma relaxed and smiled.  When we sang "Jesus Loves Me", she even mouthed some of the words. I'm so glad I said yes to my baby girl when she asked to join me in visiting her great-grandma.  I'm fairly certain it was just the right dose of grace that my grandmother needed.  I know that it was the grace my soul needed to feel. I hope Camille will someday realize what a blessing she is to all who know her.

UPDATE: As I post this blog, my mom reports that my grandma is once again unresponsive.  Death is real, but hope is too. Hope that the remainder of her life is pain free and comfortable. Hope that when she's ready, that she is greeted with open arms by those who went before her. Hope that grace will lead her home.

 And grace will lead me home.

 "’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home." Amazing Grace by John Newton