Mustard Seed

Last week, after I told my radiologist that I was having headaches, I went in for a MRI.  I have a couple wisdom teeth that have decided to attempt to squish themselves into my already overcrowded mouth.  I explained my headaches away as the result of the impacted wisdom teeth.  Dr. Ahuja thought we should be safe and get a MRI to check it out...just to make sure.

On Tuesday he called and said the MRI indicates some abnormal activity in my skull base and spine and would like me to have a bone scan.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Ok, I'll be there.)

My co-worker brought me a mustard seed.  With tears in his eyes, he told me to hold on tight to my faith.  Let's move this mountain. 

Matthew 17:19-21 Jesus Heals a Boy with a Demon
…19Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, "Why could we not drive it out?" 20And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. 21"But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."

 So, Friday morning I went for the bone scan. 

 In and out of the tube.  In and out of the thoughts running wild in my head.

 Think of Florida, the beach was so perfect and so relaxing when I went last year with the bearded man.  I don't have any new pain.  I don't have any new signs or symptoms other than a mild headache.  This can't be happening!!

 But, I watched the screen as the rad tech snapped his fingers to "Only the Good Die Young".  (NO, I'm NOT shitting you.  This song was playing and he was actually snapping his fingers to the beat.  I pictured him behind me dancing.  I wanted to scream: I'm 33!! Aren't you looking at the imaging!?! I can see the spots, can't you!?! STOP SINGING!!!)

 And the test went ON AND ON AND ON.  When he said he needed more shots of my hips, I said something like: yeah, I saw the hot spots while you were scanning.  He tried to explain that he is just very thorough.  I promptly called him a liar.

I have read the report.  I have multiple hot spots on my bones.  On my 33 year old bones, there are hot spots where cancer is growing.  They are called bone mets.

Fuck cancer.

Last night was the second most difficult day of my life.  I told my beautiful little babies that the cancer is back.  This time they know what it entails and had many more questions.

Will you die?

Does this run in our family?

Who will take care of us if you die?

Will you lose your hair again?

Will you be weak? Can we still hug you and cuddle you?  Will you tell our teachers in case we are sad? Can I tell my friends so that they can comfort me?

So.many.questions.

So.few.answers.

So many tears.  Never enough years.

Right now, we are still on the way up a VERY big hill on this rollercoaster.  I have a petscan tomorrow to see if the (#*$&#)@(*$& cancer cells are growing anywhere else.  I have appointments to come up with a plan of action Thursday and Friday. 

The plan is no longer in hopes of a cure, but the extension of quality life with my loved ones.  I know multiple woman living with metastatic breast cancer for many, many years.  I plan to be one of them and will continue to hope and pray for a cure in the meantime.

I have yelled at God. I have questioned why!!

But, I have decided it will do much more good if I relax and talk to him instead.  Tell him all of the many reasons I need him to cure me. That I need Him to give me more time here.  I have so much I want to do still and say.

Please join me.  Talk to Him.  Tell Him we need more time. Even if your faith is as tiny as that little mustard seed in the picture above. Hold tight to faith.


Hope-Faith-Love

XOXO,

Encourage

Just breathe. LOVE. Survive.  BELIEVE.

Without actually stating aloud a mantra each year, I have embraced one or two mantras the last few years.  "Just breathe" was swirling around in my head as I said goodbye to my dad; as I wished and prayed for his peace. "LOVE" took over in the year or so after he passed as I tried my hardest to concentrate on the love that surrounded me and "my people". I didn't choose "survive", it chose me.  Yet, I certainly did live it in 2013.  I hope I always have "believe" in my thoughts and in my heart, but I tried to focus a lot of energy on it as I paved my path to my "new normal" in 2014.

I've been trying to think of what word/phrase I want to concentrate this year and I think I have it.

 ENCOURAGE

So many times in life I catch myself competing.  Against my peers at the office and in the legal industry.  Against my husband for a war I really shouldn't WANT to win: who does more in the household to make it run effectively. Against other moms that are more creative and crafty than I am.  Against other woman that are more in shape and in style than I am (obviously, this is not a hard task if you take a glance at my facebook page and see my AWESOME gaucho pants).  Against other marriages to see how my own marriage matches up.  Against other friends for attention and time that seems to be so hard to find these days between the schedules we keep. Against my very own mind to feel accomplished/enough/satisfied.

I often read the encouraging words on Pinterest and pin them to a Pinterest board as a reminder to myself.  I write little encouraging notes to myself in my planner and in my faith journal.   I speak encouraging words often to my monsters, spouse, family and friends.

Yet, I often find myself fighting the urge to rise up and attack when push comes to shove.  In all honesty, I would have to admit that one of my coping mechanisms is deflection.  It's pretty easy for me to sway an argument in my favor when I use deflection and/or talk down to the person I am communicating with.  Aaron has called me out on this behavior multiple times and I try really hard not to speak to him in a demeaning and venomous tone anymore.  Still, it is very easy for me to revert to deflection and use a demeaning tone when I am feeling defensive or insecure.

In an attempt to have more authentic and real relationships with my loved ones, I am going to concentrate on "ENCOURAGE" this year with the notion that it will be contagious.

Before I react, I am going to think of ways to find the good, concentrate on building others up and encourage them.  Rather than defense, I want to play offense using encouragement.

I've started testing this word: encourage.  Most of the time, encouraging behavior comes natural to me.  However, when I'm insecure and unsure, it's difficult for me to do.  When my feelers are hurting, it is hard to step away and find something positive to focus on.  I have a hard time keeping my BIG MOUTH shut long enough to listen.  I realize that I'm going to slip up and make mistakes, but I'm going to forgive myself and encourage myself to try harder and do better.  I'm still going to be in competition, but competition only with myself.

So, I'm not really making any resolutions this year.  Usually, I vow to eat clean, workout or schedule weekends of nothing, but I'm going to be gentle on myself this year.  Instead of giving up food I love or clearing my schedule, I'm going to focus my energy on encouraging myself and others.

Enjoy

Nice

Communication

Of

Understanding,

Reassurance,

Appreciation, (and)

Genuine

Encouragement.

Encourage positive change.  

Encourage hard work and dedication.  

Encourage learning and creativity. 

Encourage love and forgiveness. 

XOXO,

PS: I haven't check in health wise in quite a while.  Positive check up with plastic surgeon last week.  My insurance has approved the final step in foob creation and I selected a date to have (HOPEFULLY) my last foob surgery in a few months. I am clear to workout, but it's so much easier to sit on the couch;) I have a follow-up with my radiation oncologist this week and then I should be free of appointments for a few months! Overall though, my health looks good.  I have a few side effects from the maintenance drugs that are annoying, but manageable.

Nina has ENCOURAGED me to blow dry and use a straightener on my hair, but like I said, I'm not really that great at listening!! She probably wishes I would inquire about her amazing foundation (or eyeliner, mascara, blush, nail polish remover or hair product too):))  I'm just trying to encourage this year though!! Sheesh!

Light>Negative Feelers

What feeds your feelings of resentment/anger/jealousy/frustration/shame/fear/doubt/sadness/insecurities/etc?

How do you combat those negative feelers?

Why do you let the negative thoughts rest in your mind at all?  How can you take the fuel away from the fire when it seems to be an uncontrolled mess; spreading fast like wildfire?

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, I would drink the negative feelers away.   If I was having a bad day, I would have multiple drinks and forget about whatever negative feelings were creeping in. *I still enjoy having drinks with my hubby and friends, but I don’t reach for a beer whenever I’m feeling down.*

Or, sometimes I would pretend the feelings that were building up inside of me weren’t really there at all.  Like if I pretended not to be hurt/sad/mad, that I wouldn’t feel the feelings at all. Fake it until you make it, right?  This contributed to the wall that I built to protect myself.  I wouldn’t let many people inside the wall around my heart. Some would probably suggest that I have never/will never let anyone completely in.  I’m a work in progress, you know;)

So last night, I was struggling with these thoughts on how to cope.  What is the best way to cope when you are fighting demons in your head?  What coping strategies can I pass on to the monsters?  I mean you can't really tell kids to go get a beer when they are upset, that's not "appropriate", right?!?

So, what coping skills do you use? Do you attempt to eliminate the things that feed the negative feelers? Concentrate on the positives instead?

I was even going to start a facebook thread…until I opened my Jesus Calling book!

December 29: "Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me... I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith... Consistently trusting in me is vital..."

It continues to talk about putting your faith in Him. Well, DUH!! Why didn’t I think of that sooner!?!

HELLO!?!?  COPING SKILL #1 and ONLY!  It’s been directly in front of, behind, beside me, and inside of me all along.

So, I took my Jesus Calling book and read the wise devotional.  I opened another devotional from one of my forever friends next. I sat in the quiet. **I used to HATE quiet.  I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t really like myself.  When it was quiet in my heart and head, it was easy for my mind to fill with thoughts of guilt, sadness, not being worthy.**  Last night, I sat in the quiet and prayed for light. Light to cast out the darkness in my heart. Light to take away the bad feelers and open my heart to all of the goodness.  Light that I know He provides for me whenever I ask.  In both the tiny trust-steps through daily life and in the dramatic leaps of faith, He is there.  ALWAYS.

I can teach that coping method to the monsters! I invite you to try it!  He’s actually a pretty cool dude, if you get to know Him.  He loves it when I am quiet and still.  It’s usually when we have the best conversations.  Where we have our most meaningful conversations.  Where I am filled with ways that I can change the world.  One tiny idea at a time, one small heart at a time, through and for Him, I choose light.

CHOOSE LIGHT.

XOXO,







(Thumper;))

OHTOBEAMAN Post 19457

Women: In your adult life, have you EVER taken your temperature? I mean, what's the point?  You know you're sick, you know you still have to do A, B and C, right?  Do you remember

Men: Do you take your temperature to validate your sickness to your spouse?

Purely posting as a study.  NOT because the world stops when men are sick and continues at 1,000 mph when women are sick!! NOT because the BM is sick.  Purely as a study!!! :P

PS to men: Your spouse doesn't care what number the thermometer reads. Take some medicine and take out the garbage.

At least he's cute!!

Vent Sess

Ya know?  I think I've completely earned my right to be negative, grumpy, miserable, and blah.  I've lived through sleepless nights with three monsters.  I've buried a parent.  I'm a work widow.  I've had my female parts removed, replaced and they still want to do a surgery or two more.  I smiled through chemotherapy and radiation. I over commit.  I volunteer too often. My car breaks down (A LOT). Bruce (Keegs fish) died. I have a hang nail.

I think I've earned the "right" to complain if I want to. So I've decided to have a vent session; I'm going to complain!! 

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of everyone COMPLAINING!!  About EVERYTHING!!

About your job-I promise VERY few people like their job all of the time.  It's why you receive pay for it, it's WORK.  

About being tired- EVERYONE is tired.  It's called LIFE. Drink a cup of coffee or a soda and move on.

About a school function/coaches/volunteers-VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME AND CHANGE IT.   {Oh, you're too busy? That's what I figured.}

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

So, I'll stop yelling:)

Recently, I had to remind one of my loved ones that it is VERY difficult to live with someone that is miserable.  When you can't find happiness in your heart, you bring the people around you down with you.  It's exhausting to try to remain positive when you're surrounded by negativity.

And why?! Is your life really THAT bad?  I understand that everyone is fighting a battle.  Trust me, I get this!!  But, I THINK (and hope and pray) that if we all focused on things like...

I'm so tired.  I'm very fortunate to have this baby keeping me up all night long.  I have MANY friends that would love nothing more than to have a baby keeping them up all night long.

This job is a dead end, but I am so fortunate to have a job.  Many families in this area are not so fortunate.

I'm not satisfied with this sports/school/after school program. I'm going to attend a meeting, ask questions and see if I can help!


I THINK that if we all focus on our blessings instead of reinforcing all of the negative that life seems to throw our way, that everyone wins.  Smiles are contagious, ya know!?

If you are really thinking your life just sucks, give me a holler.  I'll give you a story (or 10) that will make you realize how very blessed you are. 

Ahhhh, I feel better now.  Don't you? ;)  Spread some HOPE and CHEER this Christmas season!!  Be thankful for each day as it truly is a gift.

These are five of my favorite blessings:)
{Picture rights: Floods Photography}


 

Blessed beyond words, 

Laura

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

The day after Thanksgiving, things started a little different than usual in my small little corner of the world. We received notification that my grandmother was unresponsive and had been taken to the hospital.  I didn't want my mom to be alone when she went to visit her mommy in this state, so I joined her at the hospital before I went to work.

{I'm a great daughter and mommy.  Sometimes I'm a great wife. But, I'm not a wonderful granddaughter.  I didn't visit as often as I should before the dementia set in and I visited even less when she no longer knew who I was when I visited.  My children are better great-grandchildren and go with Mimi to visit more often than I do.}

When I saw my grandmother in the hospital bed, it was shocking.  Though she's been declining for a while, when you see someone that most of your life has told you how UGLY you are and (annoyingly) breaks out into song 99% of the time, it's disheartening to see them in this state.

*My family might use fat and ugly instead of actually admitting that they think you are beautiful.  That ANNOYING trait of singing all the time might not be as annoying as I once found it to be.  I might even join in the singing these days;)

After a couple days in this unresponsive state, we met with hospice.  The intake nurse was one of my fathers' nurses. I recognized him immediately and it was hit to my psyche, but I was ready.  I put on my big girl pants when I was dressing for the meeting.  I knew the drill.  Saturday was my third hospice meeting in young 33 years of life.  (I'm over them if you wondered!)  The nurse, Brian, was very kind and considerate as I have found all of the Hospice staff to be.  He answered any questions that my mom and aunt had. Everyone was in agreement that this should be the next step.

I did it all without letting a tear fall.  Even when I watched my mom and aunt tell my grandma just HOW MUCH THEY LOVE HER.

After the hospice meeting, they transferred my grandma back to the nursing home.  The nursing home has been her home for many years now. This afternoon I told the monsters I was going to visit her.  I have already told them that she is not well and she will most likely die soon.  I didn't ask any of them to join me.  Death is real, but it is not always pretty.

Camille whispered in my ear, "Do you think she'll die when you're there?"

"I can't say for sure, honey, but I don't think so." I responded.

Then she asked ever so sweetly, "Can I come with you then?"

When we walked in my grandmothers room, she opened her eyes immediately.  We introduced ourselves to my grandmother as she doesn't know who we are anymore. We told her a few fun things we had done recently.  She seemed to be following the conversation well.

Then, we started singing.  Going to the Chapel, K Sera Sera, Silent Night, Going on a Bear Hunt, whatever we could think of.  Whenever we stopped singing she would get restless.  She would try to talk or try to sit up.  I would ask her questions like: Are you in pain? Do you want to try a sip of water?  What do you need (as she was trying to sit up)?

Camille whispers to me, "Mom, I think she just wants us to sing to her.  When we sing, she smiles."

So I looked up the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" on my phone and Camille sang with me.  As I read and sang the lyrics, with my compassionate little girl on my lap, I couldn't help but to let a few drops sneak out.  GRACE. Grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home. GRACE.

Sure enough, grandma relaxed and smiled.  When we sang "Jesus Loves Me", she even mouthed some of the words. I'm so glad I said yes to my baby girl when she asked to join me in visiting her great-grandma.  I'm fairly certain it was just the right dose of grace that my grandmother needed.  I know that it was the grace my soul needed to feel. I hope Camille will someday realize what a blessing she is to all who know her.

UPDATE: As I post this blog, my mom reports that my grandma is once again unresponsive.  Death is real, but hope is too. Hope that the remainder of her life is pain free and comfortable. Hope that when she's ready, that she is greeted with open arms by those who went before her. Hope that grace will lead her home.

 And grace will lead me home.

 "’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home." Amazing Grace by John Newton

Not Alone

Not alone.

 

“How do you do it?”  …..  “I could never do what you do!” ……  

These are statements that fall on my ears almost daily. As if I am some sort of super hero or worse, something foreign or weird.   Believe me when I say I am a far cry from a super hero. I promise I am human (which I guess can make me a little weird at times).  With my human status comes all kinds of traits: I love/I dislike, I hug/I push, I comfort/I yell, I’m happy/I get mad, and many, many more, more that I am sure we all have at some point possessed.   I used to answer those questions and comments with “I don’t know” or “I often wonder the same thing myself”.    

​See here recently (1 year, 6 months and 11 days ago, but who’s counting), my life changed dramatically.  My husband and I took a leap of faith and completed the process to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.  We started with the intention of just adopting; we too had similar feelings that may be creeping up on you just at the word foster.  Take in a child and then just give it back??   How could I ever do that?  Well after completing the training, our minds shifted gears. That is one of the human traits I am thankful for: the ability to change my mind.  

We found out the alarming need for foster families and our hearts changed. At the time we became approved to foster, we were home number 10 for Sandusky Co.  Believe me when I tell you the need is WAY WAY WAY WAY bigger than 10!!   I think a few more have been added since, but still nowhere near enough.  So we decided to take a risk and switch to just foster and respite (baby sit for other foster parents).  We received a call to do a weekend respite for a brother(3)/sister(6) pair a few weeks before receiving our license.   

Holy crap!  I fell head over heels for those little duckies. My heart screamed loud and clear, THESE WILL BE YOUR KIDS ONE DAY!!!!   This can’t be happening to me, I don’t know anything about them, they could be headed back to their parents, they could have family stepping up, their foster parents could also feel like I do, who wouldn’t?  “Self, calm down, trust the system, they will get the best home for them”.    

Then a little over a month and a few turn downs later, we accepted our foster placement: an almost 6 year old little girl and her 4 year old brother.   *Side note, if this is a journey you ever decide to start, know exactly what you will and can accept and handle.  We knew with both of us working full time we could not give proper care to a baby or a child with special needs.  School age was our calling and we stuck to it.  A well thought out placement is less likely to be disrupted (children removed from your home).*  Three months later we received the call that their older sister, then 7, could no longer stay with the family member that was trying to help.  

 In the mean time, the first two duckies  from the respite stay were still weighing heavy on my heart.  They were coming to visit any chance I had to have them with us. 

And there you have it- BAM!! Family of 3, (me, my husband, and my 10 year old son) now a family of 8!!!   1 year, 6 months and 11 days after official license date here I stand, here WE stand.  We are in the process of adopting the 2 from respite and still going strong fostering a sibling group of three.  

I don’t know what is going to happen to them, but I do know the time they have and will spend with me has been nothing less than amazing.  I believe I have learned more from all of them than any schooling or class could ever teach, and I can only hope they have learned just as much.

How do I do it?   I finally learned the answer to this mysterious question.  And you know what...I don’t!  At least not alone.  

WE do it.  We, being the support system I am surrounded by. A support system I am oh so thankful for. A system that I have seen fail for too many people.  My kids' parents love their children; they didn’t choose the sour life that fell upon them.  No one wakes up and says “Hey, I think I will become a drug addict today” or “you know today is a good day to not provide for my kids”.  

 

People often wonder how I can stick up for them, the kids' parents?  Well, I have seen the desperate look in their eyes.  I have even been told “Thank you, you are the only person that has ever made me feel like I can do this and get better”. ME??  The only person!  How can this be?  Where was her support system?  

Well, I met them, her support system, not too long ago...at her funeral.  Most of her "support system people" were still floating on the same boat she sadly fell from. They were suffering from a vicious cycle that is plaguing our community.  A cycle that needs to be broken!  A cycle that no one can defeat alone.

Embrace your system, nurture it.   I don’t and could never be a biological, foster, adoptive, whatever label you want to throw in front of it, parent, alone.   We do it.  

Me, my amazing husband, our parents, our siblings, their spouses, our nieces, our cousins, our friends, the school system, the day care, the 4H leaders, the coaches, the church, the neighbors, the grocery store clerk or waitress that always compliments them and smiles so sweetly, and so forth.   I could go on forever, as long as I am not alone. If you ever feel like you don’t have a support system, become someone’s, chances are you already are.  No one can do it alone.   Together we can do anything!! Together, our community can rise above and break this cycle.  

Sincerely,  

A thankful Momma Duck of 6

(P.s.  to anonymous community member, your selfless gift brought up a conversation where I learned 2 of my duckies have never even been to a theater before!!!  Oh the joy they all will receive brings tears to my eyes)