"All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better." Butterfly Boucher
When you're in a sad mood do you immediately turn to your collection of depressing songs and play them over and over again? I do!! Somehow listening to the sad songs eventually makes me feel better. At the Sarah concert, before she started singing one of her many depressing songs, she said that when she writes the sad songs it gives her this same release. The more devastating and heart wrenching the song is, the better she feels when she's done writing or singing it.
Normally my scribblings start out much darker (some would probably say scary) than they appear after they have been edited and posted here. You know, resemble more of the loud mouth, no filter, ME that you all know and love;) Before I get to the "spin" on the facts or the perception of beautiful life that you read, it is often WHY?, THIS SUCKS!, NOT FAIR!!
Today I'm going to attempt to explain the steps that I take that help me to put the "spin" that you read on here. How I work through the dark feelings and get back to loving life. The first thing that I think everyone needs to find is an outlet. Whether it is writing, listening to music, reading a book, working out, making crafts-just find something that you like to do. The time should be something that gives you time in your head or time with a couple of close friends that you can use as a sounding board. Take time to think about life and the circumstances that have led up to the point that you are at. When you are thinking "this isn't fair", be mad about it. When you think things can't possibly get any worse, be angry (but know that they probably can and usually when you think they can't, they do).
It is normal to cry and heaven forbid not smile every second of the day. It's ok to be upset! I understand that it is easier to simply put on your happy face and pretend that life is sunshine and rainbows, but everyone knows that is simply not how life works. You might even be surprised who will step up to the plate and hit the most homeruns in the listening friend homerun derby! You will never know if you are too afraid to expose yourself.
I will be the first to admit how much easier it is to put up the wall and hide behind the smiles, but then you never have a release of emotions. If you force the smile over and over again, the emotions stay buried and the more things you pile on top of them the harder it is to deal with them when you're finally ready to face them. If you just keep piling and piling, you're going to have to dig and dig even further, through more crap, when you eventually think you're ready to deal with whatever you buried in the first place.
Even worse than when you think you're ready to deal with the emotions, are the times when you don't want or plan to dig and something triggers the emotions when you aren't ready for them. This could be a tornado whistle; passing someone that wore the same cologne as someone special to you; hearing a song that brings you not just back to a memory, but so far back to a specific place that it feels like you are there; a friend going through a similar situation that brings up raw feelings that you didn't expect. Sometimes it is something as little as opening the mailbox to a letter that is addressed to a loved one that has passed away. No matter what the trigger is, it brings this flood of emotion and your head starts to spin. Instead of dealing with the sad or angry emotions as they come one by one, now a simple trigger has the possibility to start a tsunami. So, while burying the bad feelings can seem like the best solution at the time, it is often the recipe for disaster!
Since I'm not able to build a time machine and I can't go back and deal with some of the emotions that I have buried, I will just hope and pray that nothing triggers a tsunami while I'm chipping away at the bricks. Knowing that from here on out, I can do it differently makes me feel a little relief. It must be because I'm almost 30! (I am so going out of town for the entire month of September since I have made it a point to rub it in to each and every one of my friends that have already hit the milestone!) From here on out I can deal with the thoughts and emotions as they come or as soon as I have time to sort through them. If nothing else I can stop putting the thoughts on the top shelf, thinking maybe eventually they will take care of themselves (they don't).
Cry about the events or circumstances, be mad about them, don't tell Pastor Jen, but yell at God if you have to(she told me He can handle it;))! Tell a friend that you're upset. Be specific in your needs to your friend. If you just want someone to sit with you, tell them. If instead you want them to listen and shut the hell up, tell them! If you want them to hold your hand while you cry, pick the friend you feel most comfortable with and tell them!!
Then, when you have been mad about whatever it is that is making you angry long enough, hopefully you will feel comfortable with the circumstances. At peace with the events that have taken place, often leaving us feeling less than whole. Once you reach this point, you are at the point where you can put the "spin" on it!
When you look back at nearly any situation you can almost always find something good that you learned about yourself or your loved ones. You might have to look really, really hard! It might be that you didn't know that you were as strong as you are. Or that you didn't think you could handle as many titles as suddenly described you.
Maybe the lesson will come to you as you hear the wind whipping outside of your window, as you read a book or see the carefree smile of a child, but you have to keep your eyes open for the signs. You can't just remain in the "poor me" phase forever. Often life isn't sunshine and rainbows, but eventually you have to look beyond how bad you are feeling at any given time and find the silver lining. Find that sign that tells you that things are going to be alright.
For me it's writing bitter posts. The more bitter the better! Then after a few days, sometimes weeks, putting the spin on them to help me to release the bad emotion that tries so hard to creep in. Usually creeping in when you least expect it! Cry, be angry, find your release, look for the beautiful irony and put your spin on it!
"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Faith Hope and Love
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Times 3 Times 10
When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Times 3 Times 10
When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wind
Whipping, swirling, howling, stopping, spinning, humming, whistling, dancing, singing...
Last night I went to my room after a wonderful, yet exhausting day with my children. I could barely finish a chapter in my book before I crashed, but when I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was haunted by the sound of the wind. Listening to it crescendo with great intensity and then calm to a quiet hum outside my window, I couldn't help but compare the sounds I was hearing to life. Maybe it was because of the story I read on facebook minutes before calling it a night, maybe it was because of the recent tragedy in our small town, or maybe the book I am reading and how it applies to my life, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
My thoughts were consumed with comparing times of calm to times of insanity, standstills that I thought nothing could ever go wrong and points were I felt complete despair. So many times in life we are put in situations where we are confused, like the wind is swirling around our head, like a train whistle rather than a hum, the sound is intense and cannot be quieted.
I am positive that this is how the Wiechman family is feeling right now. Asking themselves will it ever slow down; stop swirling and spinning and let us rest? Who knows maybe even let us dance and sing? I do not know the family well but am aware that their young lives have been filled with tragedy and pain. Already having lost both parents and now one of their brothers is simply not fair. I hope they know that our hearts are breaking for them. The entire community is praying for them to make it through this difficult time and to keep the faith. In the few emails I have shared with Mark's family, they are proving the adage "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" completely true, even the first words of one of their written response to me. AMAZING!
They have been dealt a junk hand over and over again and they still hold strong in faith. They take a break when the wind subsides to attempt to explain death to their children even though they can barely choke out the words. At times like this it is very difficult to feel Him walking beside you. So I thought I'd share my friends story in case some of you aren't friends with them on facebook or in real life. In the event that you are questioning why!? In case, just maybe, you need a little caffeine in your faith!
As the cold winter winds were being replaced by the fresh spring breeze about four years ago, I walked with my friend in an attempt to, as she puts it, get some of the jiggles off. We had attempted, are currently on a quest, and will probably always continue to attempt this feat during our friendship, but the year I am writing about, she was pregnant.
Since she had previously miscarried, she was rightfully worried. When she would express her anxiety and concern to me, I would downplay her worries and tell her that everything was going to be fine. (That's what friends do, right?) As the pregnancy continued she continued to tell me that something was different. Over and over again, I would tell her she was crazy (yes, this is one of the situations you look back and think, hmmm, probably should have used different words, or simply listened more and talked less). But instead I continued to tell her everything would be fine, just relax and enjoy her pregnancy. When I got the call that she was in the hospital, way, way too early, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was right, he is different. Nobody knew he would change the world.
When I went to visit her, I was terrified and not just for her unborn child. When they moved her to a better hospital, the same terror was in everyone's voice, written on their faces for the world to see. It was frightening to think of her delivering her baby so early. His lungs weren't going to be ready! He was too small! Why was this happening?!?
I will never forget walking hand in hand with two of my best friends down the hall in the NICU to meet their little miracle baby. I fought back all of my tears. I had to be brave for them. I had to believe with all my heart that this baby was going to be alright. I had been telling my friend for so long that everything was going to be ok, it just had to be! He had to be strong enough to make it through the surgery, for his lungs to develop, he just had to. So many people were praying for him to fight. So many people loved him well before they met him.
Then I received the next call. This dear sweet child, so tiny and small, has CF. Immediately I turned to the internet. I had to know everything about CF. I had to know that he could win this fight too! The literature is frightening. Immediately that "can't breathe" feeling was back. The wind was howling, we all prayed for miracles. We all prayed so very hard for the world to stop spinning for our friends and their miracle baby. Again, I went to the NICU. This time with my favorite fictional storybook in hand, "The Power of One". Carson was going to be a fighter; he was going to change the world, just like the character in the story did. I had to believe this. I prayed for it.
If you don't know the Slates family or Carson, you might not know that he is already changing the world. He's 3! He has already changed more lives than most people do in 90 years. He is special, he is one of a kind, he's a fighter.
Last night Carson moved his parents to tears. He walked up to Amy, pulled up his shirt and asked Amy what the line on his belly was? Amy explained that it was the scar from his surgery when he was first born. Carson started asking about the surgery and said "Mommy who was sitting & watching during the surgery?" He had his parents puzzled. They couldn't figure out what he was talking about! After a couple of minutes he said "It was Jesus watching me"!
Carson is 3! He is already changing the world. He is smart enough to realize that even when the wind is stinging cold, whirling and spinning you in every direction, when you don't feel like you can catch your breath, He is there. Watching over you, walking beside you, loving you. The wind only sings and dances with Carson these days, even if there is a tornado outside, even if he is taking his medicine or his never ending breathing treatments. Jesus is inside of him, the spirit lives in him.
Praying that spring comes soon and brings the gentle breeze for everyone out there that could use some relief. Take comfort in Carson's words. He is watching you, too!
Last night I went to my room after a wonderful, yet exhausting day with my children. I could barely finish a chapter in my book before I crashed, but when I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was haunted by the sound of the wind. Listening to it crescendo with great intensity and then calm to a quiet hum outside my window, I couldn't help but compare the sounds I was hearing to life. Maybe it was because of the story I read on facebook minutes before calling it a night, maybe it was because of the recent tragedy in our small town, or maybe the book I am reading and how it applies to my life, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
My thoughts were consumed with comparing times of calm to times of insanity, standstills that I thought nothing could ever go wrong and points were I felt complete despair. So many times in life we are put in situations where we are confused, like the wind is swirling around our head, like a train whistle rather than a hum, the sound is intense and cannot be quieted.
I am positive that this is how the Wiechman family is feeling right now. Asking themselves will it ever slow down; stop swirling and spinning and let us rest? Who knows maybe even let us dance and sing? I do not know the family well but am aware that their young lives have been filled with tragedy and pain. Already having lost both parents and now one of their brothers is simply not fair. I hope they know that our hearts are breaking for them. The entire community is praying for them to make it through this difficult time and to keep the faith. In the few emails I have shared with Mark's family, they are proving the adage "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" completely true, even the first words of one of their written response to me. AMAZING!
They have been dealt a junk hand over and over again and they still hold strong in faith. They take a break when the wind subsides to attempt to explain death to their children even though they can barely choke out the words. At times like this it is very difficult to feel Him walking beside you. So I thought I'd share my friends story in case some of you aren't friends with them on facebook or in real life. In the event that you are questioning why!? In case, just maybe, you need a little caffeine in your faith!
As the cold winter winds were being replaced by the fresh spring breeze about four years ago, I walked with my friend in an attempt to, as she puts it, get some of the jiggles off. We had attempted, are currently on a quest, and will probably always continue to attempt this feat during our friendship, but the year I am writing about, she was pregnant.
Since she had previously miscarried, she was rightfully worried. When she would express her anxiety and concern to me, I would downplay her worries and tell her that everything was going to be fine. (That's what friends do, right?) As the pregnancy continued she continued to tell me that something was different. Over and over again, I would tell her she was crazy (yes, this is one of the situations you look back and think, hmmm, probably should have used different words, or simply listened more and talked less). But instead I continued to tell her everything would be fine, just relax and enjoy her pregnancy. When I got the call that she was in the hospital, way, way too early, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was right, he is different. Nobody knew he would change the world.
When I went to visit her, I was terrified and not just for her unborn child. When they moved her to a better hospital, the same terror was in everyone's voice, written on their faces for the world to see. It was frightening to think of her delivering her baby so early. His lungs weren't going to be ready! He was too small! Why was this happening?!?
I will never forget walking hand in hand with two of my best friends down the hall in the NICU to meet their little miracle baby. I fought back all of my tears. I had to be brave for them. I had to believe with all my heart that this baby was going to be alright. I had been telling my friend for so long that everything was going to be ok, it just had to be! He had to be strong enough to make it through the surgery, for his lungs to develop, he just had to. So many people were praying for him to fight. So many people loved him well before they met him.
Then I received the next call. This dear sweet child, so tiny and small, has CF. Immediately I turned to the internet. I had to know everything about CF. I had to know that he could win this fight too! The literature is frightening. Immediately that "can't breathe" feeling was back. The wind was howling, we all prayed for miracles. We all prayed so very hard for the world to stop spinning for our friends and their miracle baby. Again, I went to the NICU. This time with my favorite fictional storybook in hand, "The Power of One". Carson was going to be a fighter; he was going to change the world, just like the character in the story did. I had to believe this. I prayed for it.
If you don't know the Slates family or Carson, you might not know that he is already changing the world. He's 3! He has already changed more lives than most people do in 90 years. He is special, he is one of a kind, he's a fighter.
Last night Carson moved his parents to tears. He walked up to Amy, pulled up his shirt and asked Amy what the line on his belly was? Amy explained that it was the scar from his surgery when he was first born. Carson started asking about the surgery and said "Mommy who was sitting & watching during the surgery?" He had his parents puzzled. They couldn't figure out what he was talking about! After a couple of minutes he said "It was Jesus watching me"!
Carson is 3! He is already changing the world. He is smart enough to realize that even when the wind is stinging cold, whirling and spinning you in every direction, when you don't feel like you can catch your breath, He is there. Watching over you, walking beside you, loving you. The wind only sings and dances with Carson these days, even if there is a tornado outside, even if he is taking his medicine or his never ending breathing treatments. Jesus is inside of him, the spirit lives in him.
Praying that spring comes soon and brings the gentle breeze for everyone out there that could use some relief. Take comfort in Carson's words. He is watching you, too!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love
I asked my friend if she needed me as she buries her Granny. Her Granny that she visited at least every week (putting me to shame!) in the nursing home. My friend is strong. She is the rock in her family. She told me that she would be ok and that I didn't need to skip work. The service planned was just a simple graveside service as her grandmother had requested. I know that she will be surrounded by her loving immediate family and her extended family that also doubles as some of her best friends. I know she'll be ok.
I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.
When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.
Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.
I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.
Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.
I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.
When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.
Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.
I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.
Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.
Monday, January 31, 2011
You are only as strong as your foundation
Everyone has things in their past that they are not proud of. Things that they would have done differently if given the opportunity later in life. You know, when we're supposedly more intelligent or something. Maybe one or two of the pour decisions changed a special relationship with a friend, changed the course you were taking or even the entire outcome of your life. I have certainly had my share of decisions that I would, in retrospect, have changed. Other decisions I might not have changed. Either way, I would have spent more time battling to make the correct decision: sought out others opinions, read more literature, been overall more informed, before jumping off of the cliff head first.
How did you survive a bad time in your life? The way I usually survive any rough point in my life is to build a wall. When the mistake or betrayal is small, I throw a few stones around my heart where the pain lives. A few of my colossal wrongdoings I have resorted to building a wall. A wall of brick and mortar, strong and sturdy, to protect myself. The only problem with this wall that I have built is that it goes straight up, sky high. Since the wall goes straight up, I am limited. I have to stay within the boundaries of the wall I built. Since I worked diligently to build the wall as high and as fast as possible, the boundaries often make me feel restrained, like if I take one more step that I could step off and fall all the way down to the very bottom.
As I am pushing myself to grow as a person, I have to face some of these decisions that I am not so proud of. Some of the things that I have built walls around out of brick; bricks stacked with mortar very very high. Often, I battle in my head the "what ifs". What if I had done this instead of that? What if I would have done that instead of this? Or done nothing at all. How would my life have changed? Would the changes have made a difference in the end? Why did I hurt the people that I loved the most? I have been slowly chipping away at the brick and still have a very long way to go, but I plan to keep chiseling. Once I tear down the wall, I want to rebuild the wall, but plan to re-build with love and forgiveness. I think a foundation built of love and forgiveness will be even stronger than brick.
In the book I'm reading, "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day" he brings up several wonderful points about the "what ifs". If my "what ifs" wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be married to Aaron or had Lilly, Camille and Keegan. I probably wouldn't have lived in Woodville. Therefore, I wouldn't have been there for my parents when they needed me the most. I most likely would not have started writing publicly. If I hadn't experienced life, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I wouldn't be as valuable to my friends, family or children because ALL of my experiences, good and bad, made me who I am.
As a part of my struggle toward personal growth I have made it a point to say I'm sorry more often and to forgive more freely. Sometimes even the simplest words are the most difficult. At times "I'm sorry" isn't just because you can't make it to a social function or you cut someone off in the lane next to you. Now and again "I'm sorry" is for years and years of brokenness. Brokenness that you must accept part or all of the responsibility for. At intervals in your life, "I'm sorry" will never be enough, but I have concluded that it is a start. And even if it's not enough, it is better than nothing at all.
It is so much easier to remain angry with a friend when they break your trust than it is to put yourself out there knowing that it could happen again. Most of the time it seems like the best way is to just break ties with the person or end the relationship. Put another brick on top of the wall.
Why put yourself at risk again to be hurt or force yourself to think about the pain associated with the person or place in your memory? Harboring bad feelings is emotionally exhausting. Letting go of the hate will make you a stronger person. It takes hard work to honestly forgive someone, to extend your hand as you express your apology, but the reward is worth the risk.
Rebuilding the wall with love and forgiveness will expand your boundaries, hopefully even remove all boundaries. I have decided to forgive and to say I'm sorry to most of the people that really deserve these gestures. The ones that I have loved the most. Thankfully most of the apologies have been welcomed and long overdue. Thankfully God continues to bless me with things that I often do not deserve. I still have some demolition left, but starting to re-build with love and forgiveness. You can start too, "I'm Sorry" is where I started.
How did you survive a bad time in your life? The way I usually survive any rough point in my life is to build a wall. When the mistake or betrayal is small, I throw a few stones around my heart where the pain lives. A few of my colossal wrongdoings I have resorted to building a wall. A wall of brick and mortar, strong and sturdy, to protect myself. The only problem with this wall that I have built is that it goes straight up, sky high. Since the wall goes straight up, I am limited. I have to stay within the boundaries of the wall I built. Since I worked diligently to build the wall as high and as fast as possible, the boundaries often make me feel restrained, like if I take one more step that I could step off and fall all the way down to the very bottom.
As I am pushing myself to grow as a person, I have to face some of these decisions that I am not so proud of. Some of the things that I have built walls around out of brick; bricks stacked with mortar very very high. Often, I battle in my head the "what ifs". What if I had done this instead of that? What if I would have done that instead of this? Or done nothing at all. How would my life have changed? Would the changes have made a difference in the end? Why did I hurt the people that I loved the most? I have been slowly chipping away at the brick and still have a very long way to go, but I plan to keep chiseling. Once I tear down the wall, I want to rebuild the wall, but plan to re-build with love and forgiveness. I think a foundation built of love and forgiveness will be even stronger than brick.
In the book I'm reading, "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day" he brings up several wonderful points about the "what ifs". If my "what ifs" wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be married to Aaron or had Lilly, Camille and Keegan. I probably wouldn't have lived in Woodville. Therefore, I wouldn't have been there for my parents when they needed me the most. I most likely would not have started writing publicly. If I hadn't experienced life, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I wouldn't be as valuable to my friends, family or children because ALL of my experiences, good and bad, made me who I am.
As a part of my struggle toward personal growth I have made it a point to say I'm sorry more often and to forgive more freely. Sometimes even the simplest words are the most difficult. At times "I'm sorry" isn't just because you can't make it to a social function or you cut someone off in the lane next to you. Now and again "I'm sorry" is for years and years of brokenness. Brokenness that you must accept part or all of the responsibility for. At intervals in your life, "I'm sorry" will never be enough, but I have concluded that it is a start. And even if it's not enough, it is better than nothing at all.
It is so much easier to remain angry with a friend when they break your trust than it is to put yourself out there knowing that it could happen again. Most of the time it seems like the best way is to just break ties with the person or end the relationship. Put another brick on top of the wall.
Why put yourself at risk again to be hurt or force yourself to think about the pain associated with the person or place in your memory? Harboring bad feelings is emotionally exhausting. Letting go of the hate will make you a stronger person. It takes hard work to honestly forgive someone, to extend your hand as you express your apology, but the reward is worth the risk.
Rebuilding the wall with love and forgiveness will expand your boundaries, hopefully even remove all boundaries. I have decided to forgive and to say I'm sorry to most of the people that really deserve these gestures. The ones that I have loved the most. Thankfully most of the apologies have been welcomed and long overdue. Thankfully God continues to bless me with things that I often do not deserve. I still have some demolition left, but starting to re-build with love and forgiveness. You can start too, "I'm Sorry" is where I started.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Live Like You Were Dying
Romans 8:1-11 (New International Version, ©2010)
Romans 8
Life Through the Spirit
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.
I am not a big country music fan, but when my Dad was diagnosed the first time around with cancer my brother shared the song "Live Like You Were Dying" with my father and this Bible passage reminds me of this song.
During college my brother lost one of his good friends, Scott Rollins. Jake's friend was driving on the highway and his car collided head on with a drunk driver. Scottie and his girlfriend did not make it. I think this was my brothers first close friend that lost his life. He and all of his buddies had a pretty tough time wrapping their heads around it. When someone that is your age, shares your interests and looks a lot like you is here one day and gone the next, it is pretty life altering.
Jake has a big picture of Scottie in his office. I only met Scottie a couple times (during a few of the MANY beer runs that my brother and his friends required of the older sister), but when I look at the picture blown up in Jake's office it still shakes my world. Scottie had the same smile as my little brother. HUGE, every tooth showing, genuine smile that Jake has. That could have been my little brother in the accident. That could have been your little brother or your precious son in that car accident. Scottie was someone's son, someone's brother, someone's friend.
Scottie's huge group of friends, who I'm sure also questioned WHY, decided shortly after his passing that they were each going to LIVE life. They weren't going to sit back and watch their life pass them by. No longer were they going to sit on the sidelines and look on as the years passed them by. They were going to LIVE for Scottie. At his funeral, all these unbreakable, young, strong men listened intently as they played "Live Like You Were Dying" in honor of their friend that had been taken too soon. They vowed to be present in each moment of their lives. No longer taking for granted that the sun will rise another day. You just never know.
When my dad asked me if had ever heard the song I looked it up. I like the song much better when I simply read the lyrics (ok, I really don't like country music;)). I liked the lyrics and the reason Tim McGraw wrote the song immediately. Only later did my brother tell me of his reason for sharing the song with my dad and the connection to Scottie. Knowing Jake's reason for sharing the song with my dad allowed me to break my no listening to country music rule. My favorite lines from the song:
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look."
Small cell lung cancer has very unfavorable odds. The oncologist (Dr. Ritter if anyone needs a wonderful, to the point, oncologist) told my dad at his very first appointment to live each day, be present in each moment, don't wait to take a trip that you've been wanting to make. Live like you are dying. Most of the time in life we are completely unaware that our time on earth is nearing the end, but that does not mean that we can't live like we are dying!
Romans 8:1-11 is overflowing with hope. It depicts exactly how we can begin to live like we are dying. Although we are still physically in the flesh, we are also in the spirit, since the spirit of God lives in us. This passage is the solution to our sin. "2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death." In order to authentically live our life, we must feed this spirit living within us and starve the flesh that offers a life full of sin and death. Love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive freely, read the Good Book and take a good long hard look. Feed the spirit living within you! Live a life full of peace. Don't wait until the doctor reads the test results or the drunk driver decides to drive in the wrong lane. Live like you are dying.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
You Can't Walk on Water, You Can Only Do Better
The unabridged version for the church Lenten devotional book written by the Woodville United Methodist Congregation...can't wait to read others interpretation of their scripture reading!
With every relationship comes a set of expectations, it is inevitable and unavoidable. Our spouse expects us to do our share of the housework, our employers expect us to do our share of the work load, and our children expect our love and affection. Every relationship we maintain has expectations attached to it, why would this be any different with our relationship with God? Have you taken the time lately to think about what God expects of you?
In Deuteronomy 10:12-22 many of God’s expectations are spelled out for us, simply stated and easy to read. “Fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.” That seems simple, right? Be a good person, love the outsider, serve the church, don’t outcast the stranger, give to the poor, respect your elders, pray, Fear God, and spread The word.
I think most Christian people fear God and would venture to say that the majority also loves Him, but this passage encourages you dig deeper. Do you serve the Lord with all of your heart and soul? Do you walk in his ways? Do you honestly love the outcast and defend the cause of an orphan? Does what you say and what you do reflect what you believe? Do you truly repent for your sins? Do you show true compassion to your neighbors or just maintain surface relationships in order to get by?
In the passage it reinforces that God does not accept bribes and shows no partiality. When your time here on earth is through you can’t tell God, “but I worked at the soup kitchen, I attended church regularly and I was kind to my neighbor”. You have to strive to meet His expectations each day, just as you strive to meet the expectations of your children, parents, spouse or employer. For some that could mean to volunteer at the soup kitchen or to attend church regularly, but the point is that is never enough. You can always do better, you can always attain the expectations you have set and then set them higher.
To meet these expectations is not quite as simple as merely reading the passage (and this passage is one of many passages that sets expectations on Christians). It is much more difficult to love more and judge less, offer your assistance to someone in need when you are tired, to hold yourself to a higher ethical standard, to have a positive attitude when you are feeling hopeless. As you think of ways to serve the Lord better, take time to think about what God expects of you. And although we should always fear God, also know that he is loving and good.
Even though we might not feel that we are meeting His expectations, remember: you can’t walk on water, you can only do better. The same God that has placed these expectations on you is the same God that loved you when you were at your weakest, loved you when you thought nobody else did. Expectations aren’t necessarily a bad thing; they should instead set us in motion to do better.
Take time to pray and educate yourself, even when you don’t understand why your loved one was taken too soon. Take time to help the friend in need, even if you’re tired. Actually be repentant and accountable for your sins. Fear God, but love Him too.
Deuteronomy 10:12-22 Fear the LORD
12 And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
14 To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. 15 Yet the LORD set his affection on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations—as it is today. 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. 17 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. 19 And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. 20 Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. 22 Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky.
With every relationship comes a set of expectations, it is inevitable and unavoidable. Our spouse expects us to do our share of the housework, our employers expect us to do our share of the work load, and our children expect our love and affection. Every relationship we maintain has expectations attached to it, why would this be any different with our relationship with God? Have you taken the time lately to think about what God expects of you?
In Deuteronomy 10:12-22 many of God’s expectations are spelled out for us, simply stated and easy to read. “Fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.” That seems simple, right? Be a good person, love the outsider, serve the church, don’t outcast the stranger, give to the poor, respect your elders, pray, Fear God, and spread The word.
I think most Christian people fear God and would venture to say that the majority also loves Him, but this passage encourages you dig deeper. Do you serve the Lord with all of your heart and soul? Do you walk in his ways? Do you honestly love the outcast and defend the cause of an orphan? Does what you say and what you do reflect what you believe? Do you truly repent for your sins? Do you show true compassion to your neighbors or just maintain surface relationships in order to get by?
In the passage it reinforces that God does not accept bribes and shows no partiality. When your time here on earth is through you can’t tell God, “but I worked at the soup kitchen, I attended church regularly and I was kind to my neighbor”. You have to strive to meet His expectations each day, just as you strive to meet the expectations of your children, parents, spouse or employer. For some that could mean to volunteer at the soup kitchen or to attend church regularly, but the point is that is never enough. You can always do better, you can always attain the expectations you have set and then set them higher.
To meet these expectations is not quite as simple as merely reading the passage (and this passage is one of many passages that sets expectations on Christians). It is much more difficult to love more and judge less, offer your assistance to someone in need when you are tired, to hold yourself to a higher ethical standard, to have a positive attitude when you are feeling hopeless. As you think of ways to serve the Lord better, take time to think about what God expects of you. And although we should always fear God, also know that he is loving and good.
Even though we might not feel that we are meeting His expectations, remember: you can’t walk on water, you can only do better. The same God that has placed these expectations on you is the same God that loved you when you were at your weakest, loved you when you thought nobody else did. Expectations aren’t necessarily a bad thing; they should instead set us in motion to do better.
Take time to pray and educate yourself, even when you don’t understand why your loved one was taken too soon. Take time to help the friend in need, even if you’re tired. Actually be repentant and accountable for your sins. Fear God, but love Him too.
Deuteronomy 10:12-22 Fear the LORD
12 And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
14 To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. 15 Yet the LORD set his affection on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations—as it is today. 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. 17 For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. 19 And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. 20 Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. 22 Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky.
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