Light>Negative Feelers

What feeds your feelings of resentment/anger/jealousy/frustration/shame/fear/doubt/sadness/insecurities/etc?

How do you combat those negative feelers?

Why do you let the negative thoughts rest in your mind at all?  How can you take the fuel away from the fire when it seems to be an uncontrolled mess; spreading fast like wildfire?

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, I would drink the negative feelers away.   If I was having a bad day, I would have multiple drinks and forget about whatever negative feelings were creeping in. *I still enjoy having drinks with my hubby and friends, but I don’t reach for a beer whenever I’m feeling down.*

Or, sometimes I would pretend the feelings that were building up inside of me weren’t really there at all.  Like if I pretended not to be hurt/sad/mad, that I wouldn’t feel the feelings at all. Fake it until you make it, right?  This contributed to the wall that I built to protect myself.  I wouldn’t let many people inside the wall around my heart. Some would probably suggest that I have never/will never let anyone completely in.  I’m a work in progress, you know;)

So last night, I was struggling with these thoughts on how to cope.  What is the best way to cope when you are fighting demons in your head?  What coping strategies can I pass on to the monsters?  I mean you can't really tell kids to go get a beer when they are upset, that's not "appropriate", right?!?

So, what coping skills do you use? Do you attempt to eliminate the things that feed the negative feelers? Concentrate on the positives instead?

I was even going to start a facebook thread…until I opened my Jesus Calling book!

December 29: "Trust Me with every fiber of your being! What I can accomplish in and through you is proportional to how much you depend on Me... I care as much about your tiny trust-steps through daily life as about your dramatic leaps of faith... Consistently trusting in me is vital..."

It continues to talk about putting your faith in Him. Well, DUH!! Why didn’t I think of that sooner!?!

HELLO!?!?  COPING SKILL #1 and ONLY!  It’s been directly in front of, behind, beside me, and inside of me all along.

So, I took my Jesus Calling book and read the wise devotional.  I opened another devotional from one of my forever friends next. I sat in the quiet. **I used to HATE quiet.  I’m guessing it’s because I didn’t really like myself.  When it was quiet in my heart and head, it was easy for my mind to fill with thoughts of guilt, sadness, not being worthy.**  Last night, I sat in the quiet and prayed for light. Light to cast out the darkness in my heart. Light to take away the bad feelers and open my heart to all of the goodness.  Light that I know He provides for me whenever I ask.  In both the tiny trust-steps through daily life and in the dramatic leaps of faith, He is there.  ALWAYS.

I can teach that coping method to the monsters! I invite you to try it!  He’s actually a pretty cool dude, if you get to know Him.  He loves it when I am quiet and still.  It’s usually when we have the best conversations.  Where we have our most meaningful conversations.  Where I am filled with ways that I can change the world.  One tiny idea at a time, one small heart at a time, through and for Him, I choose light.

CHOOSE LIGHT.

XOXO,







(Thumper;))

OHTOBEAMAN Post 19457

Women: In your adult life, have you EVER taken your temperature? I mean, what's the point?  You know you're sick, you know you still have to do A, B and C, right?  Do you remember

Men: Do you take your temperature to validate your sickness to your spouse?

Purely posting as a study.  NOT because the world stops when men are sick and continues at 1,000 mph when women are sick!! NOT because the BM is sick.  Purely as a study!!! :P

PS to men: Your spouse doesn't care what number the thermometer reads. Take some medicine and take out the garbage.

At least he's cute!!

Vent Sess

Ya know?  I think I've completely earned my right to be negative, grumpy, miserable, and blah.  I've lived through sleepless nights with three monsters.  I've buried a parent.  I'm a work widow.  I've had my female parts removed, replaced and they still want to do a surgery or two more.  I smiled through chemotherapy and radiation. I over commit.  I volunteer too often. My car breaks down (A LOT). Bruce (Keegs fish) died. I have a hang nail.

I think I've earned the "right" to complain if I want to. So I've decided to have a vent session; I'm going to complain!! 

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of everyone COMPLAINING!!  About EVERYTHING!!

About your job-I promise VERY few people like their job all of the time.  It's why you receive pay for it, it's WORK.  

About being tired- EVERYONE is tired.  It's called LIFE. Drink a cup of coffee or a soda and move on.

About a school function/coaches/volunteers-VOLUNTEER YOUR TIME AND CHANGE IT.   {Oh, you're too busy? That's what I figured.}

I could go on and on, but you get the point.

So, I'll stop yelling:)

Recently, I had to remind one of my loved ones that it is VERY difficult to live with someone that is miserable.  When you can't find happiness in your heart, you bring the people around you down with you.  It's exhausting to try to remain positive when you're surrounded by negativity.

And why?! Is your life really THAT bad?  I understand that everyone is fighting a battle.  Trust me, I get this!!  But, I THINK (and hope and pray) that if we all focused on things like...

I'm so tired.  I'm very fortunate to have this baby keeping me up all night long.  I have MANY friends that would love nothing more than to have a baby keeping them up all night long.

This job is a dead end, but I am so fortunate to have a job.  Many families in this area are not so fortunate.

I'm not satisfied with this sports/school/after school program. I'm going to attend a meeting, ask questions and see if I can help!


I THINK that if we all focus on our blessings instead of reinforcing all of the negative that life seems to throw our way, that everyone wins.  Smiles are contagious, ya know!?

If you are really thinking your life just sucks, give me a holler.  I'll give you a story (or 10) that will make you realize how very blessed you are. 

Ahhhh, I feel better now.  Don't you? ;)  Spread some HOPE and CHEER this Christmas season!!  Be thankful for each day as it truly is a gift.

These are five of my favorite blessings:)
{Picture rights: Floods Photography}


 

Blessed beyond words, 

Laura

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far

The day after Thanksgiving, things started a little different than usual in my small little corner of the world. We received notification that my grandmother was unresponsive and had been taken to the hospital.  I didn't want my mom to be alone when she went to visit her mommy in this state, so I joined her at the hospital before I went to work.

{I'm a great daughter and mommy.  Sometimes I'm a great wife. But, I'm not a wonderful granddaughter.  I didn't visit as often as I should before the dementia set in and I visited even less when she no longer knew who I was when I visited.  My children are better great-grandchildren and go with Mimi to visit more often than I do.}

When I saw my grandmother in the hospital bed, it was shocking.  Though she's been declining for a while, when you see someone that most of your life has told you how UGLY you are and (annoyingly) breaks out into song 99% of the time, it's disheartening to see them in this state.

*My family might use fat and ugly instead of actually admitting that they think you are beautiful.  That ANNOYING trait of singing all the time might not be as annoying as I once found it to be.  I might even join in the singing these days;)

After a couple days in this unresponsive state, we met with hospice.  The intake nurse was one of my fathers' nurses. I recognized him immediately and it was hit to my psyche, but I was ready.  I put on my big girl pants when I was dressing for the meeting.  I knew the drill.  Saturday was my third hospice meeting in young 33 years of life.  (I'm over them if you wondered!)  The nurse, Brian, was very kind and considerate as I have found all of the Hospice staff to be.  He answered any questions that my mom and aunt had. Everyone was in agreement that this should be the next step.

I did it all without letting a tear fall.  Even when I watched my mom and aunt tell my grandma just HOW MUCH THEY LOVE HER.

After the hospice meeting, they transferred my grandma back to the nursing home.  The nursing home has been her home for many years now. This afternoon I told the monsters I was going to visit her.  I have already told them that she is not well and she will most likely die soon.  I didn't ask any of them to join me.  Death is real, but it is not always pretty.

Camille whispered in my ear, "Do you think she'll die when you're there?"

"I can't say for sure, honey, but I don't think so." I responded.

Then she asked ever so sweetly, "Can I come with you then?"

When we walked in my grandmothers room, she opened her eyes immediately.  We introduced ourselves to my grandmother as she doesn't know who we are anymore. We told her a few fun things we had done recently.  She seemed to be following the conversation well.

Then, we started singing.  Going to the Chapel, K Sera Sera, Silent Night, Going on a Bear Hunt, whatever we could think of.  Whenever we stopped singing she would get restless.  She would try to talk or try to sit up.  I would ask her questions like: Are you in pain? Do you want to try a sip of water?  What do you need (as she was trying to sit up)?

Camille whispers to me, "Mom, I think she just wants us to sing to her.  When we sing, she smiles."

So I looked up the lyrics to "Amazing Grace" on my phone and Camille sang with me.  As I read and sang the lyrics, with my compassionate little girl on my lap, I couldn't help but to let a few drops sneak out.  GRACE. Grace has brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home. GRACE.

Sure enough, grandma relaxed and smiled.  When we sang "Jesus Loves Me", she even mouthed some of the words. I'm so glad I said yes to my baby girl when she asked to join me in visiting her great-grandma.  I'm fairly certain it was just the right dose of grace that my grandmother needed.  I know that it was the grace my soul needed to feel. I hope Camille will someday realize what a blessing she is to all who know her.

UPDATE: As I post this blog, my mom reports that my grandma is once again unresponsive.  Death is real, but hope is too. Hope that the remainder of her life is pain free and comfortable. Hope that when she's ready, that she is greeted with open arms by those who went before her. Hope that grace will lead her home.

 And grace will lead me home.

 "’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home." Amazing Grace by John Newton

Not Alone

Not alone.

 

“How do you do it?”  …..  “I could never do what you do!” ……  

These are statements that fall on my ears almost daily. As if I am some sort of super hero or worse, something foreign or weird.   Believe me when I say I am a far cry from a super hero. I promise I am human (which I guess can make me a little weird at times).  With my human status comes all kinds of traits: I love/I dislike, I hug/I push, I comfort/I yell, I’m happy/I get mad, and many, many more, more that I am sure we all have at some point possessed.   I used to answer those questions and comments with “I don’t know” or “I often wonder the same thing myself”.    

​See here recently (1 year, 6 months and 11 days ago, but who’s counting), my life changed dramatically.  My husband and I took a leap of faith and completed the process to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.  We started with the intention of just adopting; we too had similar feelings that may be creeping up on you just at the word foster.  Take in a child and then just give it back??   How could I ever do that?  Well after completing the training, our minds shifted gears. That is one of the human traits I am thankful for: the ability to change my mind.  

We found out the alarming need for foster families and our hearts changed. At the time we became approved to foster, we were home number 10 for Sandusky Co.  Believe me when I tell you the need is WAY WAY WAY WAY bigger than 10!!   I think a few more have been added since, but still nowhere near enough.  So we decided to take a risk and switch to just foster and respite (baby sit for other foster parents).  We received a call to do a weekend respite for a brother(3)/sister(6) pair a few weeks before receiving our license.   

Holy crap!  I fell head over heels for those little duckies. My heart screamed loud and clear, THESE WILL BE YOUR KIDS ONE DAY!!!!   This can’t be happening to me, I don’t know anything about them, they could be headed back to their parents, they could have family stepping up, their foster parents could also feel like I do, who wouldn’t?  “Self, calm down, trust the system, they will get the best home for them”.    

Then a little over a month and a few turn downs later, we accepted our foster placement: an almost 6 year old little girl and her 4 year old brother.   *Side note, if this is a journey you ever decide to start, know exactly what you will and can accept and handle.  We knew with both of us working full time we could not give proper care to a baby or a child with special needs.  School age was our calling and we stuck to it.  A well thought out placement is less likely to be disrupted (children removed from your home).*  Three months later we received the call that their older sister, then 7, could no longer stay with the family member that was trying to help.  

 In the mean time, the first two duckies  from the respite stay were still weighing heavy on my heart.  They were coming to visit any chance I had to have them with us. 

And there you have it- BAM!! Family of 3, (me, my husband, and my 10 year old son) now a family of 8!!!   1 year, 6 months and 11 days after official license date here I stand, here WE stand.  We are in the process of adopting the 2 from respite and still going strong fostering a sibling group of three.  

I don’t know what is going to happen to them, but I do know the time they have and will spend with me has been nothing less than amazing.  I believe I have learned more from all of them than any schooling or class could ever teach, and I can only hope they have learned just as much.

How do I do it?   I finally learned the answer to this mysterious question.  And you know what...I don’t!  At least not alone.  

WE do it.  We, being the support system I am surrounded by. A support system I am oh so thankful for. A system that I have seen fail for too many people.  My kids' parents love their children; they didn’t choose the sour life that fell upon them.  No one wakes up and says “Hey, I think I will become a drug addict today” or “you know today is a good day to not provide for my kids”.  

 

People often wonder how I can stick up for them, the kids' parents?  Well, I have seen the desperate look in their eyes.  I have even been told “Thank you, you are the only person that has ever made me feel like I can do this and get better”. ME??  The only person!  How can this be?  Where was her support system?  

Well, I met them, her support system, not too long ago...at her funeral.  Most of her "support system people" were still floating on the same boat she sadly fell from. They were suffering from a vicious cycle that is plaguing our community.  A cycle that needs to be broken!  A cycle that no one can defeat alone.

Embrace your system, nurture it.   I don’t and could never be a biological, foster, adoptive, whatever label you want to throw in front of it, parent, alone.   We do it.  

Me, my amazing husband, our parents, our siblings, their spouses, our nieces, our cousins, our friends, the school system, the day care, the 4H leaders, the coaches, the church, the neighbors, the grocery store clerk or waitress that always compliments them and smiles so sweetly, and so forth.   I could go on forever, as long as I am not alone. If you ever feel like you don’t have a support system, become someone’s, chances are you already are.  No one can do it alone.   Together we can do anything!! Together, our community can rise above and break this cycle.  

Sincerely,  

A thankful Momma Duck of 6

(P.s.  to anonymous community member, your selfless gift brought up a conversation where I learned 2 of my duckies have never even been to a theater before!!!  Oh the joy they all will receive brings tears to my eyes)

The more we take, the less we become!

 "The more we take, the less we become.
The fortune of one, means less for some."

 -Sarah McLachlan

I wasn't going to share this story with you.  Not because I don't think that it's worthy of writing about or because it's not important.  I guess to be honest, sometimes I FEEL (nobody actually says things like this to me;)) like when I write, people think I'm doing it for attention or because I feel like the way I give is better/more important than the way "you" give or I don't know?!?  I know it's MY insecurities that I'm allowing to leak into my brain, but surprisingly, I am human.

But, then I told my adult Sunday school class the story I'm about to share with you and with tear filled eyes, they decided they wanted to do something like this for another family in our community.  And I thought to myself, "Get over your doubts and fears and write a freaking post already!!" See, when I go a month/two without posting, it's usually because I'm feeling vulnerable/misunderstood/insecure.  (PLEASE DON'T POST LAURA GUSH COMMENTS BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME!  I feel fine, just normal demons in my own pretty little head that everyone else fights, but doesn't write/talk about!)

Anyways, back to the post. The more we take, the less we become.

Last week, a friend emailed me and asked if I knew of any families that I felt deserving of a little extra Christmas cheer.  This friend offered me $250 to spend on making Christmas a little more manageable for a family AND to give an experience they might not otherwise have the opportunity to have.

HOW AWESOME!! I was and am so honored that this friend trusted me to select a family:) And how AMAZINGLY SELFLESS TO GIVE TO A FAMILY ANONYMOUSLY.

Anyways, with the cash in hand, I thought about something that a family of EIGHT might not get to do often.  So, I bought $100 to the movie theater.  I also purchased a $25 gift card for each monster.  I used Aaron's money (he's working 12's while I'm working very little due to the latest surgery;)) to put together a basket of movie night themed fun.

This family of 8, let me tell you a little about them.  You may know some of them, but probably don't know much about their story if you do...

 Once upon a time there was a family of three.  The very loving parents decided to sign up to be foster parents. FOSTERING is so important.  I always think about it.  (Aaron loves when I even mention fostering children;))  I struggle with the fact that IF the biological mom/dad cleans up, that you have to give the child(ren) back! I can't imagine having a child(ren) live with me, love me, and then give them back to their (often useless) parent.  It's heartbreaking to think of...let alone live! 

I have made these types of statements to the mother of the family.  Bluntly she has told me that if she didn't give them this love and support, who would!?!  There are more children in the system than they have foster parents enrolled.  Temporary homes that the children are bounced back and forth between until they find foster care and then what? Wait to see if the biological donor can get clean? Hope to have the child adopted?  Hope to have the child adopted with their sibling/five siblings?  Who can financially and emotionally take on an additional six children?

So, this amazing family of three started fostering half of the six children.  In the meantime they fell in love with another set of siblings and have since finalized the adoption of two additional littles.  For the time being, their family of eight is happy and healthy.  The mother loves ALL of the six "duckies" (as she refers to them) as if she carried them all in her belly and was there for their first cry and first smile.  These children: the biological, adopted and fostered, are all so loving and kind.  

When I walk into the school (yes, they live right here in this community!) they run up to me and hug me as if this is the first time seeing a forever friend in many years.  Every.single.time. they run up to hug me, I get a paper cut in each eyeball. I think of how they started out in this crazy world.  How drugs and alcohol have permanently scarred these beautiful, loving children.  As I think of what will happen next for the three in foster care, it makes me physically ill.

BUT, right now, they are happy and healthy and I am BLESSED BEYOND WORDS to know them and be a teeny, tiny part of their lives. 

So, this weekend, I invited this family that I hold dear over for a play date.  (Not many people are brave enough to invite a family of 8 over for a play date, it turns out.  If you have ever thought about hosting one, I'll have you know that my house was restored to pre-play date (cluttered mess) within a half hour of them exiting the door. They are all very helpful and willing to pick up when it's time to leave...oh and they say please and thank you for everything and their hugs are only second place to my own little monsters...and I'm a tad partial to my own monster family;))

I waited for a window of time that it was only the mother and I in the room.  I gave her the card with a loving note thanking her for all that her and her hubby do.  She said that they have NEVER taken the entire family to the movie theater at one time.  One of the duckies has NEVER been to the theater!  She hugged me just like her little duckies hug me when I see them.  She asked me to pass along their endless gratitude to the family that offered them such an amazing gift.  Thank you, dear anonymous selfless givers.  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

http://sanduskycountydjfs.org/cmsms/index.php?page=Adoption-and-Foster-Care

Thank you to this mother and father that so willingly give love and kindness to all of their duckies.  Thank you to ALL of the foster and adoptive parents for all you do. Thank you to all who give selflessly from the heart.

I was listening to Sarah on my way into work today and couldn't help but to think about how I feel so full when I give, yet I feel so empty when I take.  

This CHRISTmas season, give more than you take.  You will be so proud of the person you become when you give back.

 "The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one, means less for some."

All my love,

FOCUS!!

FOCUS!!

For goodness sake
Oh my golly-gee
Circus would describe my brain
Understanding the random thoughts is impossible
Seriously, need to FOCUS!!


So, as you prepare for a surgery, it's kind of like nesting.  You think of everything you would normally do in a month and cram it into a weeks time.  Ok, this might not be how NORMAL people prepare, but it's the way I do.

This week is crazy-busy because of it, so OF COURSE life happens.

Tonight, after the job I get paid for, I picked up monster #1 from extra curricular activity #5,396,391.  On the way, I received a call from my overly exhausted (#@(%$)&@# swing shit) husband: "Keegan just stepped on a nail and it went through his shoe into his foot."

WONDERFUL, he's covered, he has a tetanus vaccine recently, how bad is it?  Ok, he'll live?  Move on.

Hop in #1, we have to run errands.  Stop to drop off softball equipment that SHOULD have been turned in, ohhhhhhh 4 months ago.  (That was moved to the attic, ohhhhhh, two days ago.  After Aaron worked all night I stopped him in the garage, uuuhhhhh, honey, I need that equipment down.  Yes, right now.  Yes, I know you JUST put it up there.  Yes, I will get the same equipment back next spring:))

Ok, now we are going to get Papa's truck and get some hand-me-down furniture for Camille's room.  Yes, Uncle Paul, a skirt and dress shoes are currently approved as proper furniture moving clothes.  No, I will not speed in your awesome truck.  What?  No, I didn't know it had a Hemi...see ya later!! We'll be back when the tank is empty:)

*** Super big thanks to the Drossel family for the awesome desk and hutch and to Gary Thatcher for helping me unload:)

Ring, ring: What, Camille doesn't feel well?  Ok, well let's just eat at home then.  I'll be home after I drop off Uncle Paul's truck.

What's the matter, honey?  Ok, well, eat some dinner and then go lay down with Daddy.  Hopefully you just need some rest.

Keegan, sweet boy, it's Nov. 5th, we do NOT have to have the entire reading log completed!! FINE, one more book.

Oh, my gosh, you have GOT to be kidding me!! Keegs, honey, I think Bruce went to heaven. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. COMPLETE BREAKDOWN.  I don't want Bruce to go to heaven. He's my fishy. How am I going to live without him?  I'm going to miss him so much.  SOBBING for 45 minutes until I FINALLY got him to sleep. 

Oh, that laundry and dishes that needed done?  Not happening.  I'll try again tomorrow!! 

So, if I seem A LITTLE preoccupied when you run into me this week, it's because I'm mentally making lists of the things that need done before I have surgery.  Slightly overwhelmed;)

----------------------------

Yes, this is a planned surgery.  Nothing new is going on with my young body other than I was FINALLY toning my flab and able to workout. SOOOOOOOOOO, of course it's time for another surgery!!

I'm having my tissue expanders (the things they put in to allow foob expansion over time) taken out and replaced with more permanent implants. A couple of my warrior friends joined me for the final foob pump up and surgery pep talk. * Ok, it was more  Laura yelling at doctor for not doing the surgery he went to school for the way she wanted talk, but you know, ya win some, ya lose some.* Thanks so much for joining me, Rhiannon and Heidi!  Great conversations and new friendships...a couple of my favorite things:)

Anyways, it's an outpatient surgery, so it will be less invasive that the first surgery.  I'm not nervous or scared for the pain, just pissed that I have to start this recovery period baloney over again!!!

Ok, I have to FOCUS on SLEEP so I can get more accomplished tomorrow!!

Surgery nesting isn't as fun as baby nesting, but I guess Aaron gets a new toy to play with.  They claim the new foobs will feel much more real than the rock-like expanders that I have now;)

Just in case you wondered what happens when you leave your phone unattended OR if the Foob talk wasn't enough for you today, here is a nipple picture for your viewing pleasure:)

No, when I had nips, they were NOT this hairy!! :)


XOXO,