Mean Girl for Life?

When I was younger, admittedly, I was a mean girl.  I've never watched the "Mean Girls" show, but I don't need to. I can remember joining in the mean girl talk and even when I didn't join in, I was silent and didn't stick up for the person being picked on. I only remember one incident that I was caught being a mean girl, but there were many others where I just didn't get caught.

Now that I have daughters that I'm trying to raise into kind and caring young ladies, I'm wondering IF you can grow out of being a mean girl? And if you can't, can you teach your daughters how to be different?

The other night one of my daughter's friends was visibly upset.  I approached her and told her not to worry about it.  She said, "But, Cruella said it was all my fault".  I'm thinking my response was probably still a response a mean girl would give: "Don't worry about Cruella, she makes mistakes all the time!"

My next line was that it is a team sport and it takes the entire team to win AND lose.  It wasn't her mistake that lost the game, but the mistakes by EVERYONE on the team.  **A MUCH more effective way to boost Sunshine back up without singling out Cruella**

But, my first instinct was to attack Cruella.  Defense and deflection do not help the problem at hand and really they only fuel future animosity.

Another protection mechanism I fully utilize is sarcasm.  Although I think it's AWESOME when Lilly uses sarcasm properly, it's probably a life skill that is NOT necessary if I'm trying to raise well rounded, anti-bullying children.

Maintaining many life-long relationships where sarcasm, deflection, and defense are still very much alive, I do think it's possible to have good relationships with these protective mechanisms in place.  Most of my very closest relationships are the ones where these descriptive words ring the most true to me.  But, wouldn't it be better if we didn't have to use them?

Sarcasm is second nature to me.  Even though I have been working on being the best form of me, I ALWAYS return to sarcasm when I am feeling wounded or broken. Over the years, many people have asked me: Are you being serious or sarcastic??   Sometimes there is a fine line between joking and down right mean.

What do you think? Mean girl for life?  Can you break the mold?

This, right here, is my best mean girl face!! ;)

XOXO,

Laura

Over the Hospital, Over-Correction and Over the Moon: Quincy Update

Quincy is telling her doctors that she is OVER the hospital.  They removed the drainage tube this morning without any complications.  She is eating, sleeping, AND SMILING!! She still has one IV in her tootsie, but it's a "just in case" type thing at this point.

 

She will be released SOON...everyone is hoping for tomorrow (Monday September 22nd:))  They told the Bauders to anticipate a 5-7 day stay.  Q did great and is hoping she landed herself an early release on the first day possible!!

 

In an attempt to prevent explaining why one eye still appears a little higher/bulge a bit, I'm going to attempt to explain the overcorrection.  Since Quincy's plate on the top left side of her skull was fused together, it caused depression on the left side of her sweet little face.  This was most noticeable in her eyes since one side seemed to bulge out a little bit. When the plastic surgeons were operating, they purposely over corrected in anticipation of the ONCE DEPRESSED (YAY FOR ROOM IN HER SKULL TO LEARN AND GROW) side not growing at the same rate as the non-effected side.  In Quincy's case, the left side was depressed and the right side will continue to grow normally. 

 

Now, it is almost MORE noticeable than it was before the surgery.  This is done purposely to allow for things to even out naturally as Quincy continues to grow.  But, her forehead and eyebrow line looks GREAT!!! The rest if her will catch up:)

 

Although, I understand Chelle's concern and desire for others to understand, I'm positive that all of you that have been following will agree with me: QUINCY IS BEAUTIFUL.   Both before and after the surgery she is just perfect!!

In the arms of her Daddy:

 

And in the tender embrace of her Mommy:

 

She is more beautiful than words can express.

 

The Bauders are still HOPING to be released tomorrow, but the doctors will make their decision during rounds tomorrow morning.  Even if they have to stay another day, they are OVER THE MOON that the surgery is over.  OVER THE MOON that they are able to hold their sweet baby girl again.  They are over the moon to see the other three daughters that have been missing their Mommy, Daddy and baby sister this week.

 

I know they are over the moon full of gratitude for the prayers, meals to come, surprises to be delivered.  I know that this has been a rollercoaster of a week for ALL of the Bauders and Andrew family members.  When they do come home, please be respectful of their wishes.  Text/Call if you want to visit and if they say, "not yet"  or "can you wait?", don't be offended. They have a lot on their plate right now!! They know everyone wants to hug and squeeze them ASAP and they can't wait to feel the love we've all been sending!! 

Praying for continued sunshine and smiles! 

Extra prayers tonight and Monday for Erica (Jacobs) Guess. She has a big appointment at the James Center. MRI to make sure her brain isn't growing;) Met her sweet momma this weekend and they all need to feel some of the love too!! Appointments are so stressful and anxiety filled. Pray, pray, pray!!

All my love, 

Princess Quincy B

The beautiful Princess Quincy Bauder was born at the end of February.

Quincy was born with a rare condition called craniosynostosis. While kissing every last inch of her beautiful face, Chelle and Mike (Quincy's parents) noticed that directly above one of her eyes looked just a tad different than the other side. They questioned the doctors about it. Due to their intuition and persistence, it was caught very early. Since the initial doctor appointment, it has been a time of uncertainty.

It has been confirmed that Quincy has a mild form of this "condition in which one or more of the fibrous sutures in an infant skull prematurely fuses by turning into bone, thereby changing the growth pattern of the skull. Because the skull cannot expand perpendicular to the fused suture, it compensates by growing more in the direction parallel to the closed sutures." (Wikipedia)

One out of four of Q's sutures is fused together. In order for her brain to have the room to grow properly, Quincy needs to have surgery. The surgery is a lengthy one that is very involved. The surgeons will make an incision from ear to ear and remove the whole front portion/bone of her skull and reshape it. They will put the skull back together and put in dissolvable plates where it used to be fused together.

This surgery is very involved requires a neurosurgeon, plastic surgeon and two teams of nurses that will huddle around this sweet infant princess. It will require blood transfusions, a breathing tube, iv, etc. The surgery will take place at the Cleveland Clinic. The family will need support of different kinds when Quincy has surgery, but most of all prayers!

On September 17th (after postponing the surgery once), they performed the very involved surgery on Quincy...

They took Quincy back to the OR. They took her back in her jammies and as they were carrying her, she was trying to pull off the glasses and surgical mask of the sweet 32 year old mother who understands our pain (AKA the anesthesiologist). They will put Quincy under using a mask and then do all of the IV's, breathing and feeding tubes. They wait until she is under so that she doesn't even know it's all happening. She will most likely stay under anesthetic the entire night tonight until they are ready to remove the breathing tube tomorrow. (Breathing tubes are foreign and uncomfortable to an adult, but can be explained as necessary...Quincy would not understand the need for the tube and would most likely try to rip it out.)

Everything was going as planned until...

They had a meeting with the neurosurgeon (who they love), and there was a minor complication but it is now under control but that means the surgery is taking a little bit longer than anticipated. We still have a couple more hours to go. (OVER 10 HOURS IN SURGERY)

There was a tear in the Dura around her brain and her brain swelled a little bit. They had to wait for the swelling to go down so they could stitch the Dura back up. The adored and loved Dr. Recinos says not to worry. She just wants to make sure the beautiful Q is perfect. Always best to error on the safe side.

The doctors and staff want to make sure there's no bleeding or not too much bruising in her brain in that spot.

September 18th (Day after surgery)
Quincy had a good night. One little episode where she was "fighting" the breathing tube, but they were able to get her settled down and gave her some additional pain medicine. She has been resting peacefully since this little episode.

HER CT SCAN CAME BACK ALLLLLLLLL CLEAR. She is expected to make a full and complete recovery.

She is connected to a bunch of monitors and everything is reading exactly as it should. Today they plan to *HOPEFULLY* remove the breathing tube. Let's all pray that she is able to breathe on her own.
If they are able to sucessfully remove the breathing tube, they will decrease the pain medicine to let her wake up a little bit at a time. We are hoping that she might even get to eat a little today in some way (might have to be via the ng tube or a bottle, but the hope is to let her eat today if possible).

Because of all the wires, especially the drainage tube in the back of her precious little head, Mommy and Dada probably will not get to hold her yet today...BUT, the kind nurses (Molly in particular) are trying to work out a way to let them co-sleep and lay next to the little princess.

She is so sweet and beautiful, but swollen all over. The swelling was expected and will get worse before it gets better, but it's heartbreaking to see a little one this way.

Thanks to God's work and the vigilant and noisy praying from the hearts of so many, she has made it through the hardest part. Chelle: I had to stop myself from cartwheeling in the hallways last night when the surgery was finally over!!

Angi is taking wonderful care of Quincy's older sisters. They were all bouncing around and smiling as they left for school this morning. Missy is home safe and sound is off to work today.

The surgeons, nurses and staff have been amazing and even though we are only just beginning the recovery process, we are thankful.


The beautiful princess has opened her eyes for Mom and dada (HOW DARE SHE SAY DADA FIRST WHEN MOM FEEDS HER DAY AND NIGHT!!). The doctors and staff have reassured Mom and Dad that Quinnie is aware that they are there with her.

THANKFUL AND BLESSED, We ask for continued prayers of healing and strength. 

September 18th PM:

The worst is over, but the Bauders still need us praying...Tonight, I want you to invite your child(ren) to join you.

Why, you ask?

Because all Quincy's Mommy and Dada want to do is cuddle their sweet baby up and hold her close, kiss her sweet cheeks and love on her, but they can't. Quincy is waking up periodically and crying for her parents, but they can't do anything. Completely helpless, they have to sing and talk to her in an attempt to calm her down. Quincy is used to Chelle and Mike jumping at her first cry and I'm sure she's confused as to why they can't just pick her up and she's looking at them with her swollen little eyes...

And it's breaking Mommy and Dada's heart.

Good news: They were able to take out the breathing tube and Q is breathing on her own with a little oxygen in her nasal cannula. This is the progress we are all praying for.

Quincy, Mommy and Dada are all staying the night in the ICU again tonight with hopes of being moved to step down tomorrow. The swelling in Quincy's face is getting worse, but the rest of her body is improving. This is what the doctors expected, but it does NOT make Mommy and Dada feel any better seeing their little angel this way. Both of them can't wait to see her beautiful face without the swelling.

Chelle is hoping and PRAYING that she will get to feed her late this evening and lay in bed with her.

In case she doesn't get to, please lay in bed with your monsters and say a prayer for Quinnie, Chelle, Mike, Greta, Macey and Zoey  

September 19th:

Some good news this am! It's been a busy nite and am. I fed Quinnie a bottle around 10 last nite and she sucked it down so they let me nurse her laying next to her and she's doing so well with it. ❤️

This morning they helped me hold her in my arms and feed her--the best ever. I'm still in her bed holding her and it's heaven to have her in my arms so close.

She's going to get rid of some of the tubes this am--her catheter, another iv (so she'll just have 1left on each foot), the monitors and blood pressure cuff, and the oxygen tubing. So all she'll have is the 2 ivs and the drainage tube in the back of her head, which is great improvement.

Her left eye is swollen shut now too, and she keeps trying to rub at them as if to clean them out so she can see. It's so sad. She's rather fussy, but her cry sounds better and it's good for her to squirm around and make some noise. She's had morphine and Tylenol within the last hour but slept pretty well for not having had any since 2 am.

We are moving to the step down unit once all her tubes are off, so that too is good.

It's going to be a couple rough days because it's hard for her to understand why she can't open her eyes, and now that she's becoming more alert I think she's feeling more uncomfortable. But hopefully by Sunday enough of the swelling will be down that she'll be able to open those pretty blue eyes again. ❤️

The sun is shining and the healing is happening. Thanks so much for the continued love and support

 

September 20:

 

Last night wasn't a great night for Quincy. The monsters tried to come out. When they transferred her from the PICU to step down, they decided to stop the pain meds or at least start to wean her off of them. They wanted to wait until Q was showing signs of discomfort before they gave her the pain medicine...but they weren't thinking about the monsters that like to come out at night. By 11pm the poor baby would not eat and was not feeling well...at all. She wouldn't even take Tylenol at this point and they had to give her a Tylenol suppository around 5am this morning. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. The monsters didn't go back under the bed until sunrise (and a new nurse who agreed that Q needed a little morphine in her IV to take the edge off).

Quincy did not get much rest...and neither did Mommy and Daddy.

BUT, the sun is shining now. They have ordered alternating Tylenol and oxycodone to prevent this from happening again. If Quincy is feeling better, they have the option to skip a dose here and there, but at least they have the option if her pain starts to get out of control again. KEEP THE MONSTERS AWAY TONIGHT!

Quinnie has a new doctor on this floor and the neoro and plastics team are checking in less and less. She finally ate well in Mommy's arms after refusing most of the night. HER SWEET BLUE EYES ARE PEEKING OUT EVEN MORE WITH THE FRESH SUNSHINE OF THE DAY.

From Chelle: Thanks to everyone for the unbelievable volume of support and prayers. It gives us such courage, strength and peace of heart to know Quincy is being lifted up by so many in prayer. We are truly blessed!! 

So, that's the story...quick and unedited, but available to read! 






 

Faith Journal...Join me!

I went to a retreat last summer with some AMAZING women.  The event was called the "Ripple Retreat".

"A ripple effect is a situation where, like the ever expanding ripples across water when an object is dropped into it, an effect from an initial state can be followed outwards incrementally." [Wikipedia]

Using the ripple effect to share God's word, we can reach so many more people!!

Anyways, I went to this event with a couple friends and met a few new friends.  The few new friends had already heard a little of my story and had been praying for me daily.  It was an honor to meet them and it was an experience I will never forget.

Kristin, Kristen, and Maegan probably didn't realize at the time that the retreat was exactly what I needed.  I got to spend an entire day with Jen, who I missed/miss seeing regularly.  I was able to be surrounded by so much love.  I had the opportunity to be prayed over and for by a gifted woman of faith. 

I talked a little bit about the event to friends and family, but I probably didn't use my ability to create waves the way I can when I allow Him to use me.

Until Recently!!

When I thought of activities that I wanted to do with the high school youth group, one of the first ideas I had was a Faith Journal!! I remember looking at Kristin's and thinking how neat it was.  I SHOULD have started one then!!

Anyways, I'm going to use my ability to make waves now.  I'm inviting you all to join me in creating your own Faith Journal.  I am using many of Kristin's ideas that she so kindly sent to me...(Ok, I love her.  She's so freaking adorable.  You can follow her blog (that is AMAZING) here: http://www.lilyandlight.com/)

If you want to follow along with the youth group, I'll post the things we are adding to our faith journals on the blog. *I probably will not post all of the blogs to facebook, so bookmark the page, or sign up for email notifications of the blog posts if you are interested in following along.*


The first week we made a pocket in the front of our faith journals for "keepers" as Kristin called them. We didn't put a title on ours, but I told the youth that would would put special, encouraging notes in them.  WUMC members, please feel free to write "keepers" for the youth.  I used to save all of my "keepers" in my Bible and love to look at them periodically.  I'm hoping to do the same for the youth.

Next, we selected two words: Alone and Joyful.

I asked the youth to look up at least one verse that has/will help them get through a period of their life when they are feeling alone and one that they enjoy reading when they are feeling joyful.  When we meet again, we will discuss the scriptures that we selected and add to our own faith journal.

Personally, I have decided to do the exercise on the left side of my faith journal and encourage you all to do the same.  Every night I will pick one of the youth (and/or a friend of mine) that I am praying for in relation to the word/scripture we are focusing on (alone this week, joyful next week).  I am writing a quote or personal note to them that relates to their life or something that they shared during our time together.  I am writing it twice. Once on a piece of paper to give to them and once in my faith journal.  This way, I'm concentrating on them twice as long AND I can pray for them again any time I turn to this page of my faith journal.  When I see them next, I will give them their copy.

I am LOVING this project so far.  It forces me to find scripture. It forces me to stay focused long enough to pray for one of His children.

Join me!

XOXO,

The Balancing Act: Perspective and Prayer

Should I kiss the frog? I don't know!  Mommy said to kiss the frog!  She does feed me, cuddle me, bathe me.  I guess I should trust her? 

I don't know.  I don't think I want to kiss this frog!  It's a frog for heaven's sake.  Why does she want me to kiss it so badly?

Ugh, my Mommy reallllly wants me to, I guess I'll kiss the dumb frog.

That inner voice starts talking to you from the time you're born and it just never shuts up! So often in life ALL I want is to shut off my inner voice for a few minutes of PEACE!!

Life's a great balancing act. Sometimes you just aren't sure where to step and whether to step with your right foot or your left.

“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”
– From "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

So, what do you do when you're confused?  Which direction do you go? Do you think with your head or your broken heart?


SARAH PLUG:

Sometimes life is so confusing.  All of the directions look frightening and it doesn't seem there is any way to turn.

What works best for me is perspective and prayer.

I have a friend that is preparing her infant for major surgery soon. 

As I went for a slog the other day, I stopped to talk to one of the neighbor kids.  They told me that they have to be in a wheelchair again this year.  They're in elementary school. The same age as one of my monsters.  It breaks my heart to see this sweet child struggle.

When I grab a scarf to match my outfit, I put it around my neck these days.  Some woman are putting it on their bald head as they pack up for the next round of treatment. (ALMOST DONE SARAH!! KEEP FIGHTING.  PRAYING DAILY RENEE, ENJOY YOUR "Good" WEEK!)

----------------------------------

I find that when I start thinking of others struggling, it makes my problems seem so small and immediately I start praying for them.  Praying that they can survive the balancing act known as life.  Immediately, I realize that I don't have half as much to balance as most people do.

Perspective and prayer. 

When you feel like one side is tipping and the other is up in the air, perspective and prayer will put you back into balance.

The planner is full of life again with the start of school, soccer and new obligations. Instead of feeling like one of the balls might drop, I'm going to concentrate on how amazing it is to throw the ball up in the air for the first time...and the second...and the third if I drop them every once in a while.

Perspective and prayer makes the balancing act seem like juggling is easy.

I think Camille is probably using prayer to get her through her first day of school.  I asked her if she wanted to bring her prayer square to school and she said she already put it in her desk last night;)

How do you balance life?

Lots of love and prayers for the students and teachers on the first day of school!!

XOXO, 

Prayers, Prayers and More Prayers

 I wasn't going to post about Robin Williams.  I wasn't going to post about depression.  I wasn't going to post about grief or sadness.  I wasn't going to post at all again this week.

Then I got an email notification that a friend re-pinned one of my pins.  I clicked on Pinterest and below is a picture of my most recent pin.  My one and only Robin Williams quote was pinned right around the time he was feeling his most alone.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone.  It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone." ~Robin Williams

 Obviously, like all of you, I am morose with the news of this tragedy.  To know that anyone is hurting so terribly and that they feel so trapped, is disheartening.  How does it get to the point that someone that seemingly "has it all", feels like they have nothing left to share with the world or that it's not worth fighting the battles in their head anymore?

This afternoon, I shot one of my favorite friends a text and we started chatting.  She told me about her weekend.  She is eerily similar to me in many ways...she's a FIXER.  She is the first person to SHOW UP for sooooooo many people.  Anyways, she told me a story about her weekend.  Although the story was sad, it was powerful and nearly unbelievable; ironic to put it lightly.  She had my head spinning as I read her words.  It is not my story to share or my situation to "fix", but the pain I feel for her and her loved ones is palpable and real.

 So, when I got the Pinterest email, I continued thinking about the "Why's" and the notion that some believe in (Everything happens for a reason; Just Believe) and felt compelled to share.

Is it just irony that I pinned my one and only quote by Robin Williams the last night he was alive on Earth?  Is it just irony that I texted my friend yesterday out of the blue which opened the door for her to share just a tiny bit of her pain with me?  There's a great possibility.  But, just in case it was so that I would use my words to reach someone, I will.


Depression is tough.

When people try to push, your first reaction is to pull.  If they try to get you to let them in, you shut them out.  When someone asks if you need to talk, you are silent. Even when every cell in your body is screaming to let the words spill out, your words are trapped in a vault you have created in your head.

Let it all out, they say, but you know you must spare them your hurt.

Bury it.

Put on the smile.

Be brave. Be strong.

But it doesn't have to be that way.  Your loved ones will love you even when you're weak.  If you let them, they will help you chip away at the brick wall you have built.  They will even help you clear the rubble when you finally get it to fall.  They will be your biggest supporters when you are able to stand alone again and smile with ease instead using your smile as a mask.

But you still have to be brave and strong.  It takes courage to ask for help, but it's worth it.

And if you know someone that is struggling, keep pushing when they pull.  Remind them that you are still there whenever they need you. Day or night, you will make time for them.

Praying for the family and friends of Robin Williams. Praying for the family and friends of the young girl killed this weekend in a car accident.  Praying for all of the people struggling with depression.

Prayers, prayers and more prayers,

Check up, check in, new doctor, old feelings

For some reason, I can be zooming along carelessly and free, breathing in each new day as it comes...and then I look ahead in my planner and see that I have my three month check up soon.

I log into MyChart to verify the appointment (not for a couple weeks because I'm sure someone will ask) and call to make a follow-up with my plastics that corresponds with when I'll be at the Clinic.  I still have my survivor face on.  You know the survivor face.  It's plastered on billboards and mailings.  It's in words like hope, fight, faith, strength.  The woman making the appointment takes my information. 

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  My daughter is your age.  I can't even imagine.  Do you have children?"

"Yes, I do.  Very active children.  That's why I'd like to get in on the same day I'm at the Clinic if at all possible."

"Hold on, I'll get my supervisor.  Maybe she can work you in even though it's a surgery day for Djohan."

There's this expectation of survivors that I can't really put into words, but I can feel.  In some ways this expectation is great.  Case in point, a YOUNG survivor with CHILDREN gets first dibs on appointments and they will rearrange the surgeons schedule to fit me in.

Another example I have noticed, everyone loves to see me living life to the fullest.  When I post a picture, smiling and happy, it brings a sense of pride and inspiration to everyone.  I understand this flood of emotions because I feel the same way when I see a fellow survivor flourishing and happy.  You all witnessed the hellish last year of my life and now it feels good to see me living again...

But there is also a downside to the expectations that come with the word survivor. A word that will always be attached to my name..."Oh, I'm sure you know Laura.  She's the young woman from town that had cancer last year".  I don't want to always be cancer Laura and I do a great job of not letting the word define me...until it's check up time.  

I confirm my appointments and use my survivor attitude, but then I can never resist opening the test results tab on my personal online site:

 Glandular (Acinar)/Tubular Differentiation: 3 with treatment effect
Nuclear Grade: 2 with treatment effect
Mitotic Rate: 1 with treatment effect
Overall Bloom Richardson Grade: II with treatment effect

Lymph-Vascular Invasion: Extensively present

Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS):
DCIS is present
Type: Solid
Nuclear Grade: 3
Necrosis: Absent

Lymph Nodes:
Number of sentinel lymph nodes examined: 6
Total number of lymph nodes examined (sentinel and nonsentinel): 6
Number of lymph nodes with macrometastases (>0.2 cm): 1
Number of lymph nodes with micrometastases (>0.2 mm to 0.2 cm and/or
>200cells):1
Number of lymph nodes with isolated tumor cells (less than or equal to 0.2
mm and less than or equal to 200 cells): 0
Number of lymph nodes without tumor cells identified: 4
Size of largest metastatic deposit (if present): 2.5 mm

Extranodal Invasion:
Present
Amount: 0.5 mm

Pathologic Staging(AJCC 7th Edition): ypT1a(m) ypN1a

So I read this section of the report, process the information I know and match it with my online medical doctorate, and I can't breathe again.

This is where the downside of the expectations of a survivor comes into play. I know what I'm EXPECTED to think, how I'm expected to act, what people want me to feel, but I can't choose those thoughts as an appointment approaches. 

Instead of peace, there is fear. 

Instead of strength, my spirit holds on by a teeny tiny thread.  

Instead of hope, I think of milestone gifts that I want to buy my children IN CASE it comes back. 

Instead of faith, I question WHY!?!?!?!

Instead of fight, I force Aaron into conversations where we talk about how hard he expects me to fight if it comes back.

These are not new feelings.  Once you have heard the words, "you have cancer", they can't be unheard.  Just when you start living and stop worrying about dying, you have an appointment to remind you of that day that you sat in the doctors office while the doctor confirmed your greatest fear.

In conversation last week I said, "I'll see you Friday!" but I really meant SUNDAY.  In my current mindset, that AUTOMATICALLY means the cancer is back in my brain.  NOT that I'm a overactive freak with too many activities in the planner.

Or, someone that has been a pillar of strength, wisdom and grace; a person that meets and exceeds all expectations that define a survivor, has a recurrence.  And you feel like a ticking time bomb again.  ***I LOVE YOU RENEE AND I'M PRAYING LOUD AND CONSTANT!!***

I've always been a people-pleaser.   If I'm expected to do/act a certain way, most likely I will.  The majority of the time I feel like I portray "SURVIVOR" well, but as an appointment approaches and I compile the list of questions for my new doctor (yes, Holly left the Clinic.  No, I don't want to talk about it.  It sucks and I'm not happy), it's much more difficult to shut the doubt out of my mind.

So this is me checking in with you, but also with myself.  I'm not excited to meet the new doctor, but I have thought about it and another set of hands and eyes can't be a bad thing, right?!  Maybe he'll be really hot...never mind, I just googled him.  Maybe he'll be really funny!  Either way, Holly picked him specifically for me, so there must be a good reason and if he's not a good fit, I'll go oncologist shopping.

Still smiling, but hugging a little more tightly.  Sitting on the porch at night with my hubby instead of zoning out in front of the television.  Going back for the extra kiss during whack-a-mole bedtime after a long day. Breathing in the smell of the monsters when they climb onto my lap and softly touching their soft hair as it brushes against my face. Folding myself in Aaron's arms when I walk in the door instead of immediately starting the housework. 

Hopefully you will do the same.

All my love,