Life is Hard, Live it Anyways

Since one of my friends said that she can't really grasp what is going on in my pretty little head unless I let it spill out in black and white, I'm guessing most of my readers and followers would never really think of this part of my "treatment plan" if I didn't write about it either.  This subject might not be as funny as some of my posts and I'm not sure if I'll be able to describe some of the emotions effectively, but I'm going to give it a shot.  An insiders look at my thought process this week...the life of a survivor.

Life is hard.  Live it anyways.

Tuesday morning I grabbed my new favorite drink from Red White and Brew (Thanks for getting me hooked, RHI!) and then scooped up a couple of my girlfriends.  I asked them to join me for a couple appointments because I didn't know if I'd feel up to driving home. Anyways, on the way there we laughed and they did a great job of distracting me of my thoughts of foobs, needles, side effects, implants, etc.

I'm willing to bet that the two of them (that know me VERY well) weren't able to pick up on some of the thoughts going through my pretty little head, so I'll try to paint the picture in words for you.

Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I delivered three little monsters.  I gained anywhere from 45-60...yes SIX-ZERO pounds with each pregnancy.   My stomach is TRASHED.  Stretch marks (whoever thinks they are a badge of honor is obviously smoking crack...my stomach is a battle field.  I guess it is a honor to visit a battle field.  Oh whatever, I hate my stomach! I used to have this perfectly flat stomach that I pierced and decorated and flaunted whenever possible.  Now I cover it at all costs.) galore.  Scars from ovary removal and a hernia add to the awesomeness.  It's a really pale, gross white color to top it off because I won't even lay out in my own backyard in case someone stops over.

And then as I look farther up, I have these two foreign objects that are extremely hard and unusually round. Instead of nipples I have a scar line that crosses both of the foreign objects that are now referred to as foobs.  No matter how saggy, full of milk, shrunken post-monsters your real boobs are, they are REAL.

As I think of these things that I'm about to expose to my best friends, the nurse enters and we start talking business.  How big do you think I should I go?  Do you think silicone or saline is better and why?  Are there different shapes? How do I choose?

And so that I can continue to breathe, I act like this is no big deal.

Life is hard.  Live it anyways.

***I'll continue, but I'm sure some of you are wondering why I would invite my friends along if I'm self conscious?  For starters, I'm a firm believer in KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!  If, heaven forbid, someone else is diagnosed with this disease, I want to be able to say that I led by example, that I taught from my experience and that I helped empower as many women as possible on my journey.  Second, the more I expose myself, the less I have to hide.  The more comfortable I feel in my own skin, the closer I get to accepting my new body as beautiful.***

So we continued my foob appointment like it was no big deal.  We all joked with my plastic surgeon.  He made my left foob bigger because my skin is still mad at me for radiating the crap out of it. He wants to stretch it further so he has more room to work when he swaps out the tissue expanders for implants.  My friends attempted to comfort me and pretend that it's not noticeable...they'll still stick to their story and claim it's the angle/view I have and it looks fine to them, but I own mirrors;)

And then we went to get my Reclast IV.  One of my girlfriends asked if the poke hurt?

 No, it didn't physically hurt, but mentally it reminds me of stick after stick after stick last summer during chemo.  I look around the room of patients and know that the majority of them are fighting for their life and it aches deep in my heart.  I look at them with acknowledgment that only survivors can grasp and wish that I could take even the smallest part of pain away from them. For a second, I am drawn back into conversation about what we need to pack for our upcoming vacation and I halfheartedly chime in. Yet, my thoughts are consumed with the man next to me that must be getting a nasty concoction because the nurse put on a gown over her scrubs to give him his infusion.  He glances in my direction and shows me his port site.  I smile with all the courage I can muster and force myself to concentrate on my girlfriends so that I don't start crying.

Life is hard.  Live it anyways.

After my infusion we went to lunch and shopping.  I pretended that I wasn't counting down the minutes until the side effects would start.  I tried to convince my brain that I wasn't going to have side effects from this treatment.  We laughed and reminisced and enjoyed each others company the rest of the day.  I am thankful for their love and support always.

When I arrived home, I went into "nesting" mode.  No, I'm NOT having another monster!!  But I don't know what else you'd call it.  I started doing all the things that needed done the rest of the week.  Teachers presents, setting out clothes and uniforms, going over the planner.  IN CASE the treatment caused side effects.

I woke up Wednesday morning and I felt like a bus hit me.  My head was pounding.  It felt like my head was going to explode when I looked at light.

EVERY.SINGLE.BONE.JOINT.AND.MUSCLE.ACHED.

Life is hard.  Live it anyways.

 
I showered, put on my happy face, and went to my SURVIVORSHIP visit with my radiologist.  I admitted that I was dori and allowed the nurse to put my iv in my LEFT ARM and now I have a vein that is pissed at me. (If you have lymph nodes removed, you should never have blood drawn/iv placed on that side again if possible...but I forgot:/) I freaked out about lymphodema and was instructed to make a line, watch for progression of my pissed off vein, elevate my arm as much as possible, and wear my awesome protective sleeve. I also made an appearance for my baby boy at his loved ones to lunch, but for the most part I slept the day AND night away. 

I felt better today and hopefully tomorrow I'll be back to new.  Ready to give the monsters their recorders back to them and laugh with them as we annoy Aaron with them;)

An insiders look at life after cancer.

Life is hard.  Live it anyways.

Lots of smiles and love,

Proofed and posted from work this morning...feeling as normal as I get!! ;)

Busy Mom Against the World Part #3

 So, I started this "series" a couple years ago with the intention of posting about it more often, but life is BUSY so I don't get to the "Busy Mom Against the World" series very often;)

 I also need to start with a disclaimer: Things do NOT always get done in the Strong house.  Saturday I asked the littles coach, "When do we have snack?"

She responded, "UHHHH, LAST WEDNESDAY!  YOU DIDN'T BRING IT!!"

SO, obviously, I'm not claiming to be perfect...and we are totally going to rock our second snack opportunity.  And by ROCK, I mean BUY something really cool, nothing homemade or anything!! It's not THAT big of a deal that we missed snack when that's really the ONLY thing the little monsters care about when they are 4-6 years of age!!! (SARCASM!! I'm sure the little monsters were devastated to not have snack.  Thankfully, Krista didn't tell the little monsters that the Strong's rents suck at life and didn't send one to the game!!)

-----------------------------

Ok, I really wasn't going to post about me being a craptastic mother that forgets snack.  I was going to tell you about some of the tips that the strong family is working on to keep up with life.

~SOCKS!!! My monsters are folding socks and separating our undergarments into piles every weekend.  Usually it includes complaining.  "MOM, we just did socks!!" To which I respond, "No, that was a week ago.  You don't have to do them, but I'm not dropping you off at your sleepover tonight, taking you to your game, going to the parade, etc. if you don't.  You decide!"

~TOWELS!!  Same thing! Once a week, they fold the towels.  They are not folded as nicely as if I would fold them, but they are folded and I can fold the other clothes while they sort socks and fold towels while I FORCE them to talk to me:)

~SINKS!  During my attempted cleaning tizzy last Friday, I went to get toilet bowl cleaner out of the kids bathroom and noticed both sinks were disgusting.  They are SUPPOSED to clean the sink out each time they brush their teeth.  I clean it once a week, but they are SUPPOSED to rinse it every day.  Keegan was the only one home so he "got" to clean all three bathrooms with me and didn't have to fold socks.

Responsibility.  These monsters are old enough to help out and be responsible for their own things.  I get their water bottle ready for them and set in on the table.  THEY are responsible for grabbing it, putting it in the car AND bringing it home. Same for their gloves/cleats/hats/etc.  If they don't, they don't have it for the next time.  They will learn eventually!  If we continually do it for them, when will they learn?  I tell my softball team that I have three children of my own, I have no desire to have 12 additional children, so they need to pick up after themselves...if I do it, they are going to run to get their things back!

MEAL PLAN! I'm SOOOOO not going to pretend to do this!! But, it does save us a lot of time!  Aaron plans out the meals for the week and cooks them ahead of time when he can.  This way we don't resort to McD's or pizza on busy nights and we have everything on hand to cook what he has planned because he makes the grocery list around the meals.  Thankfully, he's a great cook and does the grocery shopping and cooking, so I suppose the tip for moms here is: Train your husbands properly!! :)


Anyways, those are my thoughts on keeping up with life today.

Any ideas on a good snack?!?!

XOXO,

Laura

So Much Better to Give Than to Receive

At Bible study a couple months ago we were talking about my journey with cancer.  One of my friends said that she just knew it in her heart that there was a reason that this was part of my journey.  I told her to shut up! This journey sucks, this plan sucks and nobody is benefiting from this torture!  I certainly was not benefiting from the side effects, the hair loss, the aches and pains.  I don't think my kids would have picked to have a Mom that missed games, couldn't push them on the swings, or didn't have the energy to go swimming all last summer. I'm certain that my husband would prefer my small real boobies over the big, perky foobs and wishes he would not have been forced to be the optimistic half of our pair when he's accustomed to being the Eeyore half of our pair.

I still don't really care for the aches and pains that I have daily or the headache that doesn't ever seem to completely go away.  I don't particularly care for the weight that I gained or the tightness of my clothes.  Hot flashes are not my favorite thing in the world and night sweats cause a lot of additional laundry. The physical scars honestly don't bother me at all anymore, but the emotional scars and the roller coaster of "what if" I could certainly live without.  (What if there were microscopic "c" cells floating around in other lymph nodes? What if it comes back in my bones or worse my brain? What if I have to look at my loved ones and tell them this news?)

But, then I took a few weeks away from social networking so that I could survive the brutal schedule of three monsters in multiple activities.  During that break I received a forward from the parents of this beautiful girl pictured below from a surrounding community that read: "I still can't thank you enough.  Between the head wraps (Rhi also contributed to this smile greatly) and the wigs, you've helped give her this smile back."

Remember how I wanted to burn my wig? How I was convinced that I simply flushed a big chunk of change down the toilet since I didn't wear it!?!

LOOK AT HER!! HOW BEAUTIFUL AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT THIS BEAUTY IS IN THIS.  I NEVER would have guessed it was a wig, let alone the one that sat on my night stand for 10 months!!  Hair loss is so difficult and to know that this wig made it a little less painful for this young girl makes the money seem like nothing!!  Knowing what I know now; knowing that it would bring her such joy, I would have spent twice as much.

Psalms 34:18 - "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit."

The very next day, I received a comment on my blog that read:  "Laura, I was the recipient of your beautiful gift at Taussig yesterday during my first chemo treatment. I love the book, the and the quilt with all the scripture on it was answer to prayer. I also have a blog that started back with my youngest daughter's diagnosis 3 years ago www.jascawleyfamily.blogspot.com. Thank you so much for passing your inspiration along!"

I have read her recent blog posts and I couldn't have picked a better person to receive the survivor gift I asked my oncologist to pass along!! Please pray for Sarah as she continues to fight!!

 1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

This weekend, we enjoyed the beautiful weather with friends and family, we remembered and honored, we laughed and cried, we lived.

This morning I texted with a fellow survivor and spoke candidly about life AFTER cancer.  Struggles that most people don't realize, most certainly don't talk about and can't be blogged about.  When she admitted that it made her giggle and HOPEFULLY empowered her a little, I realized once again: It's so much better to give than to receive.

And maybe my friend was right (don't ask me to admit it ever again, Kelly:P),  but cancer probably was part of my journey for a reason.

 I have a lot more to give now.  More love, more time (I'm continuing to work less hours!! :)), more patience, more life experience, MORE HOPE.

Give often, give freely.   It's good for the soul.

Love and hope,

Relay for Life

June 13th, 2014 is the Relay for Life.

Most of this post is a re-post from the last couple years. Bold print is used for the 2014 additions.
Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time.  More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered.  I advocate for and proudly wear my badge on the list of fighters.  Yet, thinking of the walk brings all of the same emotions back.

My biggest fear is now reality.   http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html

Relay Day:

It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.

It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!

It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 11 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.

It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened.   A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight. 

It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment.  That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family.  Always kept his faith in our Lord above.  Who we laid to rest last year and celebrated his life.

It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.  It is a reminder that they too can beat this disease and to never give up hope. {Cheri Miller}

A reminder of a couple new friends that are so very strong, supportive and loving that I wouldn't have in my life without this stupid disease.  I am proud to call them my friends and even more proud of the way they are fighting.  I hope they know that I pray for them daily. Angie and Christy, keep kicking ass.

A reminder that I have bonds with my cousin and aunt that go beyond the regular family bond and into sisterhood.  I am so thankful for their constant love, advice and support.  I am so proud of how my aunt has endured her surgeries and treatment with an attitude of gratitude rather than bitterness.

It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.

It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.

It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, Melissa's Mom so many, too many.

As I zoomed by my one year mark, it is a constant reminder of the roller coaster ride that I will never step off of.  The anxiety when my body aches or as an appointment approaches is something I never anticipated.

But is also a reminder of HOPE.

Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.

Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.


With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.

I hope for miracles.

I hope for a cure.



 Remember. Love. Hope.

If you would like to donate or dedicate a luminary, you can visit my relay page:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=57440&pg=personal&px=20235573

TOO MANY LUMINARIES.  WE NEED A CURE!

Everyone I know has been touched by cancer, either through their own personal battle or through someone they love. Recently losing my father after a long fight against the disease and watching the disease progress, I know how important this cure is. I am participating in the event not only in memory of my dad, Mark Runion, but in memory of Sharon Destazio, Jim Waganfeald, Tom Burdge, Deb Tobias, Paul Wargacki, Tammy Reichert and Debbie Dell and in honor of Julie Kern, Heidi Frantz, Cheryl Helmke, Jessica Fork, Paul Thibodeau, Becky Kayden, Julie Malcolm, Danny DeVito, Connor Requena, Amanda McNamee, Meaghann Kennedy, Matt Hammer, Rhiannon Lynch, Angie Durnwald, Christy Miller, Cheri Miller, Deb Frankenhauser and all of the others that have fought or are fighting for their life! On the night of our walk, please know that a candle is buring for each of you and as the many people pass by they will read your name and think of you or your loved one and their fight. The final luminiria I dedicated was simple and the most meaningful to me: IN SUPPORT OF THE CURE.

XOXO,
 

Give me a break, Give me a break...

 Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!

For those of you that didn't see the post, I'm taking a FB hiatus.  I didn't delete you as a friend or block you from my feed, I'm just taking a break.  I had a few calls and texts asking if I am ok.  I'm more than ok. I'm simply taking time to enjoy all of my blessings with less interruptions.  Sometimes breaks are necessary for people like me.  

When you open your life up to to the public, it can be tiring.   Every time I post something on my blog or facebook, it opens my life up to scrutiny and inspection.  My opinions are sometimes taken out of context or my sarcasm can be lost in translation.

I've taken breaks before because of overuse.  Sometimes I frantically search for my phone and think to myself, WHY!?!? Because I might miss a few texts?  Who cares!?!  I'm with my monsters, it can't be THAT important or they'd find a way to get a hold of me (my phone is programed to ring if you call twice consecutively in case of an emergency;)).

Sometimes when I take a break it's because I am busy.  The last few weeks our kids have been participating on 5 different teams, had church events and school programs.  I just needed more time away from the distraction.

A few times I've taken a break because I'm not in the mood to be positive.  I can't stand people complaining that they had a bad day on social media because I can ALWAYS think of someone that is having a much worse day.

This time I need a break for pretty much all of these reasons.  I'm busy.  My heart is never too full to be concerned for others, but sometimes my brain is.   I don't feel like defending my opinions.  I want to concentrate on my family and friends and be IN the moment. *I want to be pissed that I have to have an IV treatment of Reclast instead of putting a positive spin on it. I just need to take a little break.

I'll be back and I'll miss SOME of you;)

Hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day!

XOXO,

*During my last exam with the oncologist I had a dexa scan to get a baseline of my bone density. They didn't expect me to have bone loss already, but my body hates me, so of course I do in one hip (hereditary).  It's called osteopenia. The drug that I have to be on to suppress any remaining estrogen in my body also causes bone loss.  When they found the bone loss and knowing that bone loss is a side effect of the drug I need, we discussed options for treatment.  This IV treatment has been and is currently being studied in relation to breast cancer and shown to be helpful in treating not only recurrence, but prevention of spread to the bone. It comes with side effects and risks though. I'm used to that since most of the medicines I've taken or do take cause side effects.  Anyways, I'm sure it won't be as bad as the message boards or the warnings from my doctor, but I'm still not happy that I have to have another @%*&#@$(& treatment.  I get pumped up again and have this treatment in June.  (Not because I want bigger foobs, but they want more skin to work with when they put in my permanent foobs;))

Hair is growing in great and I need to make time to have it shaped and colored!  White Trash Tats AND Roots...Aaron is SO proud;)  My boss refers to me as a singer that had wild, crazy hair, but I don't know him so I can't remember what his name is.  Oh, and I'm dori and can't remember much of anything unless I write it down;)  I don't really care though...because I HAVE HAIR!!! :)

Happy Monday. I'm going to buy a Kit Kat now.

OAA's should be burned and banned and shoved up the arse...oh you get the point

Dear Lilly's Teachers and Administrators,

I apologize.  I'm sorry that I MIGHT have told Lilly:

"Well, you can tell Mr./Mrs. __________ that they can come over to our house on ANY morning that they want you to eat eggs, bacon and toast before school. I'm expected to dress, brush and manage to march three monsters onto the bus before I leave for work, I am NOT waking up early to fry eggs and bacon.  I promise your normal breakfast of Grapenuts and a piece of fruit will fuel your body with all of the brain food you'll need to make it to lunch without going any more crazy than you usually are.  If you want to add toast to your normal breakfast, you know where the toaster is.  

Oh, they can call your coach, too (in this case it's also your mom so they can kill two birds with one stone. YAY, multitasking!) and tell them to cancel practice because you need a good night sleep and after homework, dinner and showering that doesn't leave time for much of anything else.

Also, that ritual they talked about in your assembly, SURE!  pick your wedge before you answer each question if you want!! (Your friends will probably think you're a little cray cray, but honestly honey, I think most of them already do!)

The GUM!  Shit, I forgot the gum!  All we have is Juicy Fruit in the drawer today!  I'm so sorry, Lil, I promise you'll do fine without the increased mental functioning of studying while chewing gum and then test taking while chewing gum...especially since you've only intentionally chewed gum while reading ONCE."

Ok, so really I only spouted off the first paragraph to my overly stressed 3rd grade monster as SHE was lecturing ME about what I need to feed her for breakfast.  But the point is that she is FREAKING OUT about this stupid OAA test.  She does great in school, currently I have zero concerns academically with this energetic monster. Yet, they put so much emphasis on this standardized testing, she's ready to burst!!

I understand that this is one of the main ways that our teachers and our school is judged, but I think it's INSANE to put this much pressure on 3rd graders (or 4th graders or 5th graders or 6th graders)!! She's worked herself up to the point she's too nervous to go to sleep (even if I would have cancelled the softball practice and bathed her in lavender and chamomile)!

 I can't wait until testing is over and I have my carefree, crazy monster back without the doom and gloom of not passing a standardized test hanging over her head!!

I really am sorry, teachers, but not because I'm too:
a) lazy
b) tired
c) stubborn
d) busy
e) a and d
f) b and c
G) none of the above...

to make the eggs and bacon or to put my monster to bed earlier (she's already in bed by 9pm every night) or to encourage her to pick her butt before she answers each question or even to supply the same gum during study and test time!

Nope, I'm sorry because you're forced to push these tests on them even though most of you don't believe in them either.

Good luck to all the monsters, teachers, administrators, and parents during the testing weeks.

EDIT:  I understand that the teachers are not to blame for Lilly's stress level.  I agree with the comment below that her teachers and administrators only want the best for their students.  I'm just saying from a parents point of view, it's not fun/fair to watch your child stress about the stupid tests when you have a child that takes EVERYTHING literally, it's exhausting to try to calm her down when she thinks she might not pass third grade if she doesn't complete each of the tactics presented to her over the last few weeks of preparation. 

I'll be praying for you!

XOXO,

F U Anniversary

 Last year at this time I was sitting in a surgeons office thinking to myself: "I don't want her to do my surgery.  I wish she'd just stop talking!! I know what the paper says,  just freaking tell me so I can start looking for my team of doctors."

I knew it was bad, but the unexpected to a planner is brutal. SO MANY thoughts floating around in your head.

• *Who can I unload some of this mess on?*
•  What happens next?  
• Who can I trust with my life?  How do I decide what procedure should go first?  How do I know what is the best plan?
•  How am I going to tell my monsters? WHAT do I tell them? 
•  I wonder how my bosses are going to handle this? Who will do my work?  Will I have to quit? 
• Will my husband still be attracted to me?
•  ae;wo-NO!!-irehjt;oinhfa;gl-FUCK-kuewtproqu328570igai-WHY-h;oiugoi4uq23u (I had this type of thought A LOT.  I still do!)

But, here I am a year later. I (WE-this was totally a group effort) made it.

I'm different, but I'm still here.
 
I'm more in tune yet somehow more out of the loop.

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and have no idea what conversation is taking place in front of me.

Last night I played tickle torture right before bedtime.  I would have never done that a year ago!  Bedtime is supposed to be calm and relaxing.  {You know, GO THE F TO SLEEP!}  Now, I'll take the giggles whenever I can get them.

///////////////////////

So, this April 16th is different, but it's still difficult. I know the answer to all of the questions above now.  Now, really the only question relating to stupid, annoying, I-hate-you cancer is:

Will it come back?

And I think about this question A LOT.  More than I care to admit.

When my head hurts, I think it's spread to my brain.  When my arm feels heavy, I think it's the cancer coming back in my arm.  When my hips hurt because I'm old and I slept wrong, it just HAS to be spreading to my bone.  When I'm anxious and it feels heavy on my chest, I think it's gone to my sternum and most likely my lungs.  When I'm tired, it's taking over my body.  When I lose a couple pounds (I DO WANT TO LOSE A COUPLE (TEN!!) POUNDS...but not due to cancer;)), I eat more because I don't want to be losing weight because it scares me.

But I TRY and PRAY and SEEK ENCOURAGEMENT to concentrate on HOPE.

At Bible Study last week we talked about the notion that everything happens for a reason.  We talked about how much my fight has helped others with perspective or encouragement or even faith. Some were fighting right by my side, some followed from a distance, but ALL were able to see the light as I let my words spill out of my heart onto a blank sheet of paper for the world to read.

They reminded me that even though it has been a 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad' YEAR, it has also been a wonderful, amazing, mess of a blessed year.

Thank you ALL for everything over the last year. I can never repay each of you for all you have done for my family, but I will be forever grateful.  I will concentrate my energy on hope and love with the intention of sharing it with all of you.  They are contagious you know?!  Cancer isn't contagious, but hope and love...they for sure are.  I know that in my heart.


All my hope and love,

** So-so-sooooooooo very fortunate to have so many survivors that double as my family and friends.  Some things/thoughts/feelings just can't be discussed with someone that hasn't been there. So unbelievably thankful for this bond we share.  I just wish it could have been over something more fun, like we all went streaking on a beach in Hawaii or something...maybe we should do that someday!?  We would frighten a lot of people!! :)



PS: I was going to list all of my survivor friends and ask ya'll to pray for them, but sadly there are TOO many to list without the risk of forgetting someone.  I have some that are in the WHAT IF stage that are freaking. Please pray for answers and more importantly peace.  I have some that recently started treatment, please pray for strength and the encouragement to start each day with the "blessed: even in the mess" attitude. For the warriors that are getting near the end of treatment, I ask that you pray for endurance and hope as they can taste that finish line it's so close!  For ALL of the survivors, please pray for peace and grace, love and hope.

Pray for a CURE.

These three monsters need one.