Last year at this time I was sitting in a surgeons office thinking to myself: "I don't want her to do my surgery. I wish she'd just stop talking!! I know what the paper says, just freaking tell me so I can start looking for my team of doctors."
I knew it was bad, but the unexpected to a planner is brutal. SO MANY thoughts floating around in your head.
- *Who can I unload some of this mess on?*
- What happens next?
- Who can I trust with my life? How do I decide what procedure should go first? How do I know what is the best plan?
- How am I going to tell my monsters? WHAT do I tell them?
- I wonder how my bosses are going to handle this? Who will do my work? Will I have to quit?
- Will my husband still be attracted to me?
- ae;wo-NO!!-irehjt;oinhfa;gl-FUCK-kuewtproqu328570igai-WHY-h;oiugoi4uq23u (I had this type of thought A LOT. I still do!)
But, here I am a year later. I (WE-this was totally a group effort) made it.
I'm different, but I'm still here.
I'm more in tune yet somehow more out of the loop.
Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and have no idea what conversation is taking place in front of me.
Last night I played tickle torture right before bedtime. I would have never done that a year ago! Bedtime is supposed to be calm and relaxing. {You know, GO THE F TO SLEEP!} Now, I'll take the giggles whenever I can get them.
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So, this April 16th is different, but it's still difficult. I know the answer to all of the questions above now. Now, really the only question relating to stupid, annoying, I-hate-you cancer is:
Will it come back?
And I think about this question A LOT. More than I care to admit.
But I TRY and PRAY and SEEK ENCOURAGEMENT to concentrate on HOPE.
At Bible Study last week we talked about the notion that everything happens for a reason. We talked about how much my fight has helped others with perspective or encouragement or even faith. Some were fighting right by my side, some followed from a distance, but ALL were able to see the light as I let my words spill out of my heart onto a blank sheet of paper for the world to read.
They reminded me that even though it has been a 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad' YEAR, it has also been a wonderful, amazing, mess of a blessed year.
Thank you ALL for everything over the last year. I can never repay each of you for all you have done for my family, but I will be forever grateful. I will concentrate my energy on hope and love with the intention of sharing it with all of you. They are contagious you know?! Cancer isn't contagious, but hope and love...they for sure are. I know that in my heart.
All my hope and love,
** So-so-sooooooooo very fortunate to have so many survivors that double as my family and friends. Some things/thoughts/feelings just can't be discussed with someone that hasn't been there. So unbelievably thankful for this bond we share. I just wish it could have been over something more fun, like we all went streaking on a beach in Hawaii or something...maybe we should do that someday!? We would frighten a lot of people!! :)
PS: I was going to list all of my survivor friends and ask ya'll to pray for them, but sadly there are TOO many to list without the risk of forgetting someone. I have some that are in the WHAT IF stage that are freaking. Please pray for answers and more importantly peace. I have some that recently started treatment, please pray for strength and the encouragement to start each day with the "blessed: even in the mess" attitude. For the warriors that are getting near the end of treatment, I ask that you pray for endurance and hope as they can taste that finish line it's so close! For ALL of the survivors, please pray for peace and grace, love and hope.
Pray for a CURE.
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