The Life of an Octopus-My Messy Beautiful

Hello new and old readers!  My name is Laura and I'm an octopus. I'm willing to bet you are too.


I'm also willing to bet you're thinking, "I wish I had 8 arms!!  Wouldn't that be amazing?" Multitasking at a whole new level! We could get SO much accomplished with 8 arms!!

But, really I'm an octopus because I feel like I have 3 hearts. Did you know that octopus have THREE hearts??  I didn't either until I took a road trip with my know-it-all monsters (aka children) this weekend by myself.  This revelation was BEFORE monster number three called out: "Mommy, I don't feel....BLEH"  Wouldn't it have been nice to have those extra six arms?  I probably could have grabbed a bag and caught the vomit!  Instead, monster #3 managed to get puke on not only him, but also the seat belt, the super annoying part of the car seat covered in fabric that takes 2 hours to disconnect and 4 hours to reassemble, inside the car seat cup holder and the little cubby on the side of the car seat, the pillow on the floor, his beloved stuffed animal that he HAD to bring, the floor, his shirt, his arm, AND his pants.

BUT, before the puking incident, I was lost in my thoughts about the octopus because of the three hearts, so back to the three hearts thing;)

I'm an octopus because I have three hearts.  They beat at different speeds and they demand my attention at different times, but they are always pumping.

One of my hearts finds its rhythm and feeds off of all of my negative emotions.  Honestly, sometimes I wish this heart would stop beating.  Yet, I know I wouldn't be the octopus-person that I am without this special heart beat. This heart beats faster when I hear of loss, sadness, illness, aching or struggle.  My sadness heart sometimes attempts to beat as the systematic heart (the one that feeds my entire body).  Sometimes I have to take a few steps back and catch my breath so that it doesn't take over as my most important organ. (It's not fun to fight depression, I promise!) When I see, and more importantly FEEL pain, this heart works harder.

This year, my sadness heart has been in overdrive.   Last April I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When I found the cancer, it was already in my lymph nodes.  Since then, I've been through chemo, radiation and a couple surgeries. However, it wasn't any of the medical procedures that made my sadness heart hurt and scream in pain.

 

It was the delicate conversations with my three young monsters about cancer and hair loss and "are you going to die?"  It was carefully talking about "what-if" scenarios with my husband. It was calls from my baby brother where he didn't know what to say.  It was tears falling faster than anyone could catch from my mother who was just finding her stride again after losing my father to cancer after a long battle.  It was looking in the face of every.single.loved.one of mine and knowing that their sadness heart was ready to have a heart attack at any second-the pain in their eyes was palpable. It was finding the "new normal" with my friends that miss the more balanced octopus woman I used to be.  My sadness heart was taking over.

Still, my second heart was always, always present during the last year.  It's my favorite heart.  It doesn't bother me when this heart beats faster and I never wish that it would go into cardiac arrest.  My happy heart beats faster with each belly laugh and tickle torture, every smile and each hug, every occasion that the walls are brought down and truthful, loving conversations are enjoyed.  Or when I look at the card from my oldest monster: "Mom, You are very brave and I want to be like you when I grow up."  My happy heart pounds and causes my eyes to well with tears.  (Luckily, I'm an octopus and you can't see that I'm crying;)) It feels like my happy heart might simply burst when my little monsters tip-toe into my room and sneak into my bed oh so quietly so that the hubby doesn't catch them and return them to their bed.  They wiggle into my arms, so snug and sweet, and my happy heart aches with love.

Most importantly though is my HOPE heart.  This is the heart that I have to feed constantly, even resuscitate when necessary. It is the systematic heart and most important heart.  Without it beating, little pieces of my soul die off, one by one, never to be refueled with oxygen again.  When I hear of a friend that has just been delivered a craptastic diagnosis or worse when a precious child has to fight hard for their sweet life, I have to focus hard on my hope heart because my sadness heart tries so very hard to out pump it and steal the hope.  Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to leave little pieces of my soul spread out over my tiny section of the world, but I know that all of the pieces together make me, me!

All of the hearts pumping in sync, my sadness and happy heart feeding my body and my hope heart feeding my soul, that's where the most love is.   It's the place where I feel content and full.  The place where I'm able to live each day, not worrying about the next. Happy and whole, able to sit back and enjoy both the smiles and the tears without allowing my heart(S) to harden.

It's where I can feel pain, but also joy.  Taking the time to feel the pain makes our joy that much more wonderful or as Glennon would say: Brutiful.  I'm learning to let go of the pain when it feels like I'm drowning and remember that I'm an octopus...I CAN SWIM! I'm letting my hope heart pump into each tentacle and forcing every suction cup to absorb the love.

This post can also be found at Momastery along with many other "Messy Beautiful" posts:
http://momastery.com/messy-beautiful-warrior-friends/

Let all three of your hearts beat in sync so that you're able to absorb all of the love. Feel it with all of your being and let go of the fear. Allow all three of your hearts a beat, but let your hope heart win.


Embrace your octopus,