So Much Better to Give Than to Receive

At Bible study a couple months ago we were talking about my journey with cancer.  One of my friends said that she just knew it in her heart that there was a reason that this was part of my journey.  I told her to shut up! This journey sucks, this plan sucks and nobody is benefiting from this torture!  I certainly was not benefiting from the side effects, the hair loss, the aches and pains.  I don't think my kids would have picked to have a Mom that missed games, couldn't push them on the swings, or didn't have the energy to go swimming all last summer. I'm certain that my husband would prefer my small real boobies over the big, perky foobs and wishes he would not have been forced to be the optimistic half of our pair when he's accustomed to being the Eeyore half of our pair.

I still don't really care for the aches and pains that I have daily or the headache that doesn't ever seem to completely go away.  I don't particularly care for the weight that I gained or the tightness of my clothes.  Hot flashes are not my favorite thing in the world and night sweats cause a lot of additional laundry. The physical scars honestly don't bother me at all anymore, but the emotional scars and the roller coaster of "what if" I could certainly live without.  (What if there were microscopic "c" cells floating around in other lymph nodes? What if it comes back in my bones or worse my brain? What if I have to look at my loved ones and tell them this news?)

But, then I took a few weeks away from social networking so that I could survive the brutal schedule of three monsters in multiple activities.  During that break I received a forward from the parents of this beautiful girl pictured below from a surrounding community that read: "I still can't thank you enough.  Between the head wraps (Rhi also contributed to this smile greatly) and the wigs, you've helped give her this smile back."

Remember how I wanted to burn my wig? How I was convinced that I simply flushed a big chunk of change down the toilet since I didn't wear it!?!

LOOK AT HER!! HOW BEAUTIFUL AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT THIS BEAUTY IS IN THIS.  I NEVER would have guessed it was a wig, let alone the one that sat on my night stand for 10 months!!  Hair loss is so difficult and to know that this wig made it a little less painful for this young girl makes the money seem like nothing!!  Knowing what I know now; knowing that it would bring her such joy, I would have spent twice as much.

Psalms 34:18 - "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit."

The very next day, I received a comment on my blog that read:  "Laura, I was the recipient of your beautiful gift at Taussig yesterday during my first chemo treatment. I love the book, the and the quilt with all the scripture on it was answer to prayer. I also have a blog that started back with my youngest daughter's diagnosis 3 years ago www.jascawleyfamily.blogspot.com. Thank you so much for passing your inspiration along!"

I have read her recent blog posts and I couldn't have picked a better person to receive the survivor gift I asked my oncologist to pass along!! Please pray for Sarah as she continues to fight!!

 1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

This weekend, we enjoyed the beautiful weather with friends and family, we remembered and honored, we laughed and cried, we lived.

This morning I texted with a fellow survivor and spoke candidly about life AFTER cancer.  Struggles that most people don't realize, most certainly don't talk about and can't be blogged about.  When she admitted that it made her giggle and HOPEFULLY empowered her a little, I realized once again: It's so much better to give than to receive.

And maybe my friend was right (don't ask me to admit it ever again, Kelly:P),  but cancer probably was part of my journey for a reason.

 I have a lot more to give now.  More love, more time (I'm continuing to work less hours!! :)), more patience, more life experience, MORE HOPE.

Give often, give freely.   It's good for the soul.

Love and hope,

Relay for Life

June 13th, 2014 is the Relay for Life.

Most of this post is a re-post from the last couple years. Bold print is used for the 2014 additions.
Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time.  More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered.  I advocate for and proudly wear my badge on the list of fighters.  Yet, thinking of the walk brings all of the same emotions back.

My biggest fear is now reality.   http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html

Relay Day:

It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.

It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!

It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 11 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.

It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened.   A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight. 

It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment.  That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family.  Always kept his faith in our Lord above.  Who we laid to rest last year and celebrated his life.

It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.  It is a reminder that they too can beat this disease and to never give up hope. {Cheri Miller}

A reminder of a couple new friends that are so very strong, supportive and loving that I wouldn't have in my life without this stupid disease.  I am proud to call them my friends and even more proud of the way they are fighting.  I hope they know that I pray for them daily. Angie and Christy, keep kicking ass.

A reminder that I have bonds with my cousin and aunt that go beyond the regular family bond and into sisterhood.  I am so thankful for their constant love, advice and support.  I am so proud of how my aunt has endured her surgeries and treatment with an attitude of gratitude rather than bitterness.

It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.

It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.

It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, Melissa's Mom so many, too many.

As I zoomed by my one year mark, it is a constant reminder of the roller coaster ride that I will never step off of.  The anxiety when my body aches or as an appointment approaches is something I never anticipated.

But is also a reminder of HOPE.

Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.

Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.


With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.

I hope for miracles.

I hope for a cure.



 Remember. Love. Hope.

If you would like to donate or dedicate a luminary, you can visit my relay page:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=57440&pg=personal&px=20235573

TOO MANY LUMINARIES.  WE NEED A CURE!

Everyone I know has been touched by cancer, either through their own personal battle or through someone they love. Recently losing my father after a long fight against the disease and watching the disease progress, I know how important this cure is. I am participating in the event not only in memory of my dad, Mark Runion, but in memory of Sharon Destazio, Jim Waganfeald, Tom Burdge, Deb Tobias, Paul Wargacki, Tammy Reichert and Debbie Dell and in honor of Julie Kern, Heidi Frantz, Cheryl Helmke, Jessica Fork, Paul Thibodeau, Becky Kayden, Julie Malcolm, Danny DeVito, Connor Requena, Amanda McNamee, Meaghann Kennedy, Matt Hammer, Rhiannon Lynch, Angie Durnwald, Christy Miller, Cheri Miller, Deb Frankenhauser and all of the others that have fought or are fighting for their life! On the night of our walk, please know that a candle is buring for each of you and as the many people pass by they will read your name and think of you or your loved one and their fight. The final luminiria I dedicated was simple and the most meaningful to me: IN SUPPORT OF THE CURE.

XOXO,
 

Give me a break, Give me a break...

 Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!

For those of you that didn't see the post, I'm taking a FB hiatus.  I didn't delete you as a friend or block you from my feed, I'm just taking a break.  I had a few calls and texts asking if I am ok.  I'm more than ok. I'm simply taking time to enjoy all of my blessings with less interruptions.  Sometimes breaks are necessary for people like me.  

When you open your life up to to the public, it can be tiring.   Every time I post something on my blog or facebook, it opens my life up to scrutiny and inspection.  My opinions are sometimes taken out of context or my sarcasm can be lost in translation.

I've taken breaks before because of overuse.  Sometimes I frantically search for my phone and think to myself, WHY!?!? Because I might miss a few texts?  Who cares!?!  I'm with my monsters, it can't be THAT important or they'd find a way to get a hold of me (my phone is programed to ring if you call twice consecutively in case of an emergency;)).

Sometimes when I take a break it's because I am busy.  The last few weeks our kids have been participating on 5 different teams, had church events and school programs.  I just needed more time away from the distraction.

A few times I've taken a break because I'm not in the mood to be positive.  I can't stand people complaining that they had a bad day on social media because I can ALWAYS think of someone that is having a much worse day.

This time I need a break for pretty much all of these reasons.  I'm busy.  My heart is never too full to be concerned for others, but sometimes my brain is.   I don't feel like defending my opinions.  I want to concentrate on my family and friends and be IN the moment. *I want to be pissed that I have to have an IV treatment of Reclast instead of putting a positive spin on it. I just need to take a little break.

I'll be back and I'll miss SOME of you;)

Hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day!

XOXO,

*During my last exam with the oncologist I had a dexa scan to get a baseline of my bone density. They didn't expect me to have bone loss already, but my body hates me, so of course I do in one hip (hereditary).  It's called osteopenia. The drug that I have to be on to suppress any remaining estrogen in my body also causes bone loss.  When they found the bone loss and knowing that bone loss is a side effect of the drug I need, we discussed options for treatment.  This IV treatment has been and is currently being studied in relation to breast cancer and shown to be helpful in treating not only recurrence, but prevention of spread to the bone. It comes with side effects and risks though. I'm used to that since most of the medicines I've taken or do take cause side effects.  Anyways, I'm sure it won't be as bad as the message boards or the warnings from my doctor, but I'm still not happy that I have to have another @%*&#@$(& treatment.  I get pumped up again and have this treatment in June.  (Not because I want bigger foobs, but they want more skin to work with when they put in my permanent foobs;))

Hair is growing in great and I need to make time to have it shaped and colored!  White Trash Tats AND Roots...Aaron is SO proud;)  My boss refers to me as a singer that had wild, crazy hair, but I don't know him so I can't remember what his name is.  Oh, and I'm dori and can't remember much of anything unless I write it down;)  I don't really care though...because I HAVE HAIR!!! :)

Happy Monday. I'm going to buy a Kit Kat now.

OAA's should be burned and banned and shoved up the arse...oh you get the point

Dear Lilly's Teachers and Administrators,

I apologize.  I'm sorry that I MIGHT have told Lilly:

"Well, you can tell Mr./Mrs. __________ that they can come over to our house on ANY morning that they want you to eat eggs, bacon and toast before school. I'm expected to dress, brush and manage to march three monsters onto the bus before I leave for work, I am NOT waking up early to fry eggs and bacon.  I promise your normal breakfast of Grapenuts and a piece of fruit will fuel your body with all of the brain food you'll need to make it to lunch without going any more crazy than you usually are.  If you want to add toast to your normal breakfast, you know where the toaster is.  

Oh, they can call your coach, too (in this case it's also your mom so they can kill two birds with one stone. YAY, multitasking!) and tell them to cancel practice because you need a good night sleep and after homework, dinner and showering that doesn't leave time for much of anything else.

Also, that ritual they talked about in your assembly, SURE!  pick your wedge before you answer each question if you want!! (Your friends will probably think you're a little cray cray, but honestly honey, I think most of them already do!)

The GUM!  Shit, I forgot the gum!  All we have is Juicy Fruit in the drawer today!  I'm so sorry, Lil, I promise you'll do fine without the increased mental functioning of studying while chewing gum and then test taking while chewing gum...especially since you've only intentionally chewed gum while reading ONCE."

Ok, so really I only spouted off the first paragraph to my overly stressed 3rd grade monster as SHE was lecturing ME about what I need to feed her for breakfast.  But the point is that she is FREAKING OUT about this stupid OAA test.  She does great in school, currently I have zero concerns academically with this energetic monster. Yet, they put so much emphasis on this standardized testing, she's ready to burst!!

I understand that this is one of the main ways that our teachers and our school is judged, but I think it's INSANE to put this much pressure on 3rd graders (or 4th graders or 5th graders or 6th graders)!! She's worked herself up to the point she's too nervous to go to sleep (even if I would have cancelled the softball practice and bathed her in lavender and chamomile)!

 I can't wait until testing is over and I have my carefree, crazy monster back without the doom and gloom of not passing a standardized test hanging over her head!!

I really am sorry, teachers, but not because I'm too:
a) lazy
b) tired
c) stubborn
d) busy
e) a and d
f) b and c
G) none of the above...

to make the eggs and bacon or to put my monster to bed earlier (she's already in bed by 9pm every night) or to encourage her to pick her butt before she answers each question or even to supply the same gum during study and test time!

Nope, I'm sorry because you're forced to push these tests on them even though most of you don't believe in them either.

Good luck to all the monsters, teachers, administrators, and parents during the testing weeks.

EDIT:  I understand that the teachers are not to blame for Lilly's stress level.  I agree with the comment below that her teachers and administrators only want the best for their students.  I'm just saying from a parents point of view, it's not fun/fair to watch your child stress about the stupid tests when you have a child that takes EVERYTHING literally, it's exhausting to try to calm her down when she thinks she might not pass third grade if she doesn't complete each of the tactics presented to her over the last few weeks of preparation. 

I'll be praying for you!

XOXO,

F U Anniversary

 Last year at this time I was sitting in a surgeons office thinking to myself: "I don't want her to do my surgery.  I wish she'd just stop talking!! I know what the paper says,  just freaking tell me so I can start looking for my team of doctors."

I knew it was bad, but the unexpected to a planner is brutal. SO MANY thoughts floating around in your head.

• *Who can I unload some of this mess on?*
•  What happens next?  
• Who can I trust with my life?  How do I decide what procedure should go first?  How do I know what is the best plan?
•  How am I going to tell my monsters? WHAT do I tell them? 
•  I wonder how my bosses are going to handle this? Who will do my work?  Will I have to quit? 
• Will my husband still be attracted to me?
•  ae;wo-NO!!-irehjt;oinhfa;gl-FUCK-kuewtproqu328570igai-WHY-h;oiugoi4uq23u (I had this type of thought A LOT.  I still do!)

But, here I am a year later. I (WE-this was totally a group effort) made it.

I'm different, but I'm still here.
 
I'm more in tune yet somehow more out of the loop.

Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts and have no idea what conversation is taking place in front of me.

Last night I played tickle torture right before bedtime.  I would have never done that a year ago!  Bedtime is supposed to be calm and relaxing.  {You know, GO THE F TO SLEEP!}  Now, I'll take the giggles whenever I can get them.

///////////////////////

So, this April 16th is different, but it's still difficult. I know the answer to all of the questions above now.  Now, really the only question relating to stupid, annoying, I-hate-you cancer is:

Will it come back?

And I think about this question A LOT.  More than I care to admit.

When my head hurts, I think it's spread to my brain.  When my arm feels heavy, I think it's the cancer coming back in my arm.  When my hips hurt because I'm old and I slept wrong, it just HAS to be spreading to my bone.  When I'm anxious and it feels heavy on my chest, I think it's gone to my sternum and most likely my lungs.  When I'm tired, it's taking over my body.  When I lose a couple pounds (I DO WANT TO LOSE A COUPLE (TEN!!) POUNDS...but not due to cancer;)), I eat more because I don't want to be losing weight because it scares me.

But I TRY and PRAY and SEEK ENCOURAGEMENT to concentrate on HOPE.

At Bible Study last week we talked about the notion that everything happens for a reason.  We talked about how much my fight has helped others with perspective or encouragement or even faith. Some were fighting right by my side, some followed from a distance, but ALL were able to see the light as I let my words spill out of my heart onto a blank sheet of paper for the world to read.

They reminded me that even though it has been a 'terrible, horrible, no good, very bad' YEAR, it has also been a wonderful, amazing, mess of a blessed year.

Thank you ALL for everything over the last year. I can never repay each of you for all you have done for my family, but I will be forever grateful.  I will concentrate my energy on hope and love with the intention of sharing it with all of you.  They are contagious you know?!  Cancer isn't contagious, but hope and love...they for sure are.  I know that in my heart.


All my hope and love,

** So-so-sooooooooo very fortunate to have so many survivors that double as my family and friends.  Some things/thoughts/feelings just can't be discussed with someone that hasn't been there. So unbelievably thankful for this bond we share.  I just wish it could have been over something more fun, like we all went streaking on a beach in Hawaii or something...maybe we should do that someday!?  We would frighten a lot of people!! :)



PS: I was going to list all of my survivor friends and ask ya'll to pray for them, but sadly there are TOO many to list without the risk of forgetting someone.  I have some that are in the WHAT IF stage that are freaking. Please pray for answers and more importantly peace.  I have some that recently started treatment, please pray for strength and the encouragement to start each day with the "blessed: even in the mess" attitude. For the warriors that are getting near the end of treatment, I ask that you pray for endurance and hope as they can taste that finish line it's so close!  For ALL of the survivors, please pray for peace and grace, love and hope.

Pray for a CURE.

These three monsters need one.

The Life of an Octopus-My Messy Beautiful

Hello new and old readers!  My name is Laura and I'm an octopus. I'm willing to bet you are too.


I'm also willing to bet you're thinking, "I wish I had 8 arms!!  Wouldn't that be amazing?" Multitasking at a whole new level! We could get SO much accomplished with 8 arms!!

But, really I'm an octopus because I feel like I have 3 hearts. Did you know that octopus have THREE hearts??  I didn't either until I took a road trip with my know-it-all monsters (aka children) this weekend by myself.  This revelation was BEFORE monster number three called out: "Mommy, I don't feel....BLEH"  Wouldn't it have been nice to have those extra six arms?  I probably could have grabbed a bag and caught the vomit!  Instead, monster #3 managed to get puke on not only him, but also the seat belt, the super annoying part of the car seat covered in fabric that takes 2 hours to disconnect and 4 hours to reassemble, inside the car seat cup holder and the little cubby on the side of the car seat, the pillow on the floor, his beloved stuffed animal that he HAD to bring, the floor, his shirt, his arm, AND his pants.

BUT, before the puking incident, I was lost in my thoughts about the octopus because of the three hearts, so back to the three hearts thing;)

I'm an octopus because I have three hearts.  They beat at different speeds and they demand my attention at different times, but they are always pumping.

One of my hearts finds its rhythm and feeds off of all of my negative emotions.  Honestly, sometimes I wish this heart would stop beating.  Yet, I know I wouldn't be the octopus-person that I am without this special heart beat. This heart beats faster when I hear of loss, sadness, illness, aching or struggle.  My sadness heart sometimes attempts to beat as the systematic heart (the one that feeds my entire body).  Sometimes I have to take a few steps back and catch my breath so that it doesn't take over as my most important organ. (It's not fun to fight depression, I promise!) When I see, and more importantly FEEL pain, this heart works harder.

This year, my sadness heart has been in overdrive.   Last April I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  When I found the cancer, it was already in my lymph nodes.  Since then, I've been through chemo, radiation and a couple surgeries. However, it wasn't any of the medical procedures that made my sadness heart hurt and scream in pain.

 

It was the delicate conversations with my three young monsters about cancer and hair loss and "are you going to die?"  It was carefully talking about "what-if" scenarios with my husband. It was calls from my baby brother where he didn't know what to say.  It was tears falling faster than anyone could catch from my mother who was just finding her stride again after losing my father to cancer after a long battle.  It was looking in the face of every.single.loved.one of mine and knowing that their sadness heart was ready to have a heart attack at any second-the pain in their eyes was palpable. It was finding the "new normal" with my friends that miss the more balanced octopus woman I used to be.  My sadness heart was taking over.

Still, my second heart was always, always present during the last year.  It's my favorite heart.  It doesn't bother me when this heart beats faster and I never wish that it would go into cardiac arrest.  My happy heart beats faster with each belly laugh and tickle torture, every smile and each hug, every occasion that the walls are brought down and truthful, loving conversations are enjoyed.  Or when I look at the card from my oldest monster: "Mom, You are very brave and I want to be like you when I grow up."  My happy heart pounds and causes my eyes to well with tears.  (Luckily, I'm an octopus and you can't see that I'm crying;)) It feels like my happy heart might simply burst when my little monsters tip-toe into my room and sneak into my bed oh so quietly so that the hubby doesn't catch them and return them to their bed.  They wiggle into my arms, so snug and sweet, and my happy heart aches with love.

Most importantly though is my HOPE heart.  This is the heart that I have to feed constantly, even resuscitate when necessary. It is the systematic heart and most important heart.  Without it beating, little pieces of my soul die off, one by one, never to be refueled with oxygen again.  When I hear of a friend that has just been delivered a craptastic diagnosis or worse when a precious child has to fight hard for their sweet life, I have to focus hard on my hope heart because my sadness heart tries so very hard to out pump it and steal the hope.  Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to leave little pieces of my soul spread out over my tiny section of the world, but I know that all of the pieces together make me, me!

All of the hearts pumping in sync, my sadness and happy heart feeding my body and my hope heart feeding my soul, that's where the most love is.   It's the place where I feel content and full.  The place where I'm able to live each day, not worrying about the next. Happy and whole, able to sit back and enjoy both the smiles and the tears without allowing my heart(S) to harden.

It's where I can feel pain, but also joy.  Taking the time to feel the pain makes our joy that much more wonderful or as Glennon would say: Brutiful.  I'm learning to let go of the pain when it feels like I'm drowning and remember that I'm an octopus...I CAN SWIM! I'm letting my hope heart pump into each tentacle and forcing every suction cup to absorb the love.

This post can also be found at Momastery along with many other "Messy Beautiful" posts:
http://momastery.com/messy-beautiful-warrior-friends/

Let all three of your hearts beat in sync so that you're able to absorb all of the love. Feel it with all of your being and let go of the fear. Allow all three of your hearts a beat, but let your hope heart win.


Embrace your octopus,

Prayer Request for the Lowry Family

 So, there's this family that I know.  Nathan, the husband, is one of my forever friends.  His family was friends with my family so we were friends because we had to be at first.  You know, when our parents got together to play cards we were shoved into a basement and told to play nice. When we were older, we chose to be friends.  He has caught a lot of my tears and loves me despite knowing me.

When he got married to Jess after a SHORT courting period, I wondered if it would last.  They were so young. I justified my marriage at a young age with the fact that I had known Aaron my entire life (and because Lilly was growing in my belly oh, and because I loved him;)).

Despite my doubts, I bonded with Jess instantly.  I knew after a couple of times hanging out with her why Nathan fell so hard and fast.  She is honest and fun and caring and kind.  She is the type of person that makes you want to be a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister.  She is full of light.


After MANY infertility issues the couple faced, they were finally farther than the scary 12 week point with pregnancy. They were ELATED.  The two of them were both SO excited and couldn't wait to hold their sweet baby. At 23 weeks the doctor said she was a girl, a girl with Dandy Walker Syndrome with a 5% chance of survival. Her name was Ava. Ava had a nursery, little dresses and two parents who loved each other and loved her. Ava Violet was stillborn at 39 weeks and life changed.

They cried. They mourned.  They shouted to God.  But they didn't falter in their beliefs and they are now stronger than ever.

A couple of years ago, Jess sent me this message:

"While I was at the women's retreat this weekend I took a class on spiritual meditation. I pray, but don't spend much time in quiet contemplation and believe that it is important. So, I'm sitting in a room, listening to peaceful music & and imagery is being guided by the teacher. She says things like "god's light is a color, what color is it to you, focus on your color" etc and I'm there and listening but definitely not in that serious level of meditation. After about 10 minutes she says "choose a place in nature" and all of the sudden I saw a field with a waterfall behind it and a swarm of butterflies & I saw Ava. She was grown maybe 5 or 6 but wearing that little white dress with the pink flowers all over it that we buried her in. She was dancing in the butterflies with a man, I couldn't see his face, he was in a long white robe, he had long brown hair and she was smiling and laughing. It was like I was given a window to see through and just watch. Tears just kept pouring down my face, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. When I wrote that letter to her about doing everything I could to be there with her in Heaven some day, it was like I was supposed to see that to remember the promise I made to her and get a glimpse of what that will be. I'm just hoping that I can store that image in my head, or maybe I'll be lucky enough to see it again, I haven't tried again because I'm nervous that I won't. I guess I wanted to share this with you because it was too special to keep to myself and I know how easy it is sometimes to look around and question things, especially at a time like this."

My friends have since been blessed with two handsome fellas, but still have so much light to offer.  They have applied to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia to add to their beautiful family.  Below is a link to a fundraiser page and this is the one of the most beautiful lines from her request for support.

"God is taking great care of our daughter in heaven and now He is calling us to take care of one of His here."

Please pray for this family and the little girl they hope to care for as their own.  Donate if you're able.

She has shared a little of her story here:
https://www.purecharity.com/the-lowry-family-adoption?aff=138ba

So much love and so very proud to call them my friends,






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