Addicted to a Certain Kind of Sadness

What kind of sadness are you addicted to?

I have listened to the song at the bottom of the post quite a few times. It's played on the radio, I've watched them perform the song live on a late night show, I think it's even on my iPod, but a few days ago I heard it on the radio and this line really stuck with me.  I have never really thought about addiction as harmful behavior outside of substance dependence addiction until I couldn't get this line out of my head!  I mean, it's not like you can die from being addicted to shopping or gambling or computer or sex, but I understand that you can be addicted to them. 

Can you be addicted to a certain kind of sadness?

Webster defines addiction as the quality or state of being addicted. 

People seek adrenaline.   I believe they are called adrenaline junkies (which certainly sounds like an addiction to me)!

But sadness?  Can you be addicted to a certain kind of sadness?  I think so.  Maybe, probably, addiction isn't the perfect word, but I think sometimes I feed off of a certain kind of sadness and maybe even seek more of it.

Maybe you are oversensitive to bullying/your child being excluded because you were bullied/left out as a child. Any time your child isn't invited somewhere or you feel that they are left out, does it make you sad for them?  I understand wanting your child to be included and treated right, but when they are excluded, do you let the sadness take over your thoughts, obsess over the "why isn't my child invited?" or "why are the other children excluding my child?"

Or what if you have a difficult problem that you're trying to find the answer to and you start to obsess over it?  We have a client that is fully capable of gathering the necessary information and dropping it off at our office, but they're scared that they are missing something or we will not be satisfied with the documentation provided or something.  They obsess about it and continue to put it off as if the problem will solve itself. 

Grief is a certain kind of sadness that I had to work very hard not to become addicted to.  When I wanted to stay in bed all day, I forced myself to get up, but it would have been very easy to just lay there numb and let the days pass by.   I can totally understand how people can be addicted to this kind of sadness.

What about if you're feeling hopeless in any given situation?  The negative thoughts continue to breed and fester, you focus on the bad, awful, unspeakable, unthinkable-until you're ready to break.

I think I'm certainly drawn to people in need.  If I know that someone is hurting, I feel the need to somehow, someway, make it better.  If I can't make it better, I need to at least let them know that I'm here. Is that an addiction to a certain kind of sadness? 

A friend told me earlier this week that you can't bring a problem to the table without offering a solution.  Well, I'm over writing this week.  All of my creativity has been used up in preparation for Rally Day and I really don't want to offer any solutions today (and I'm still addicted to a certain kind of sadness, so I'd just be blowing smoke up your ass;))




Are you addicted to a certain kind of sadness?

Forgive, but Accept

First, I think everyone should find something that challenges them to think, actually exercise your brain.  Bible study always does this for me. 

This week (along with many other things), I took away this little gem from Pastor Jen and have been thinking about it for a while now: Forgive, but accept!

I think sometimes we believe that if we forgive someone fully, that along with that forgiveness should come the restoration of the relationship.  Once we truly forgive, that things should go back to how things were before the stone was thrown, the word was said, the occasion was missed, or the time was gone.

Sometimes that isn't possible.  Sometimes there is too much pain, sometimes the stone is at the very bottom of the deepest ocean and can't be found, not even with scuba gear!  Sometimes the time runs out.

Forgiveness is POWERFUL!  Jesus died the cruelest death during his time in the flesh, a death of execution on the cross, so that we are offered forgiveness.  Powerful stuff!  I ask for forgiveness of my sins often. I try to remember to say "I'm sorry" even when it's hard to say because forgiveness is powerful.

But sometimes even after we offer and/or accept forgiveness, we need to also accept the things that we can't change.

Even if we have truly forgiven, let go of all of the negative dung in our heart, sometimes we just need to accept the new relationship for what it is. 

Maybe the friend that used to finish your sentences will only ever be that...a friend that used to finish your sentences. 

Maybe your relative used to be your confidant, but now they are simply your relative.

Maybe even though you want the relationship to be restored to "before" it just can't be.  Not because there is any hate left, just because it will never be the same.

Forgive, but accept.

Source: sawdustcityllc.com via Laura on Pinterest

Obligatory First Day Photos!

Lilly COULD.NOT.WAIT. to start school.  She has always loved school, never been nervous and didn't even think about shedding a tear.  I had to ask her to walk back and give me a kiss on her first day of preschool.  This year she is in 2nd grade.  She did request that I stay home long enough to do her hair...hey, I'll take it.  She probably will not want me to that very much longer.  She still enjoys my notes and surprises in her lunch, but did request that I make them shorter...it did turn rather lengthy once I started writing...I know, big surprise:)

First day of second grade-Mrs. Perkins:

 

Camille is not quite as confident about leaving Mommy. She managed to hold back the tears AND smile before she walked on the bus on her first day of her second year of preschool. Before the bus arrived, she wouldn't leave my side to take a picture with the Thatcher babysitter crew and asked that I stand right by her. She ripped off part of my shoes and asked if she could keep it with her today in case she was scared. (Shrug-sure, honey (WEIRDO;))

First day of second year of preschool-Miss Blechinger and Miss G:

Keegan put on a good act when we talked about starting school.  He acted excited when he woke up, got dressed, picked what he wanted in his lunch and acted tough...until it was time to get on the bus.  His lip started to quiver when I told him goodbye and he walked back for one last hug and kiss.  I think he managed to hold them all in, but he was very nervous and hesitant.  He wasn't able to hold them in on the bus ride home and his teacher reported that he was very sad when he had to leave Camille after recess and storytime.  When I asked him about his day though he said he had so much fun and as long as Cami sits by him on the bus he'll go back:)

First day of preschool-Mr. Swindel and don't know her name yet:):

 

 

So far so good...getting used to the bedtime routine again is harder for Mommy, I think.  Getting up earlier to pack lunches is harder for Mommy too!

 

 Lilly tooted...stinky!

 

Almost tears...but he held it together:)

 Miss Beth's favorite day...she gets to see me:)





 

House Divided

What do you do when life happens?  When schedules and demands and stress are running high.

 Maybe you aren't paying enough attention to your spouse.  Time that you would normally converse with your significant other is substituted with television or exercise or faceboook or _____________.  When communication is lacking, it is easy to disconnect.  Do you find attention elsewhere?

How about if you have a major decision, but you can't seem to find middle ground or a solution that is suitable for all parties?   Do you stay angry and allow the crack to become a fault line?  It takes a long time to put everything back together after an earthquake!

What if, as you age, your interests change and your partner feels like a stranger?   They no longer enjoy the same activities as you do.  Perhaps they seem distant and uninterested.  Excitement is an emotion that is never displayed in your presence.  Do you try to introduce yourself again or allow space and drift further apart?

How about in a different setting, like a church.  When members disagree on policy or procedure, do you work together to find a solution?  Do you pack up your belongings and find a new church?  How can you put your personal agenda on the shelf and deal with the problems at hand with grace and love?

Even as a nation, we have been divided forever.   Once upon a time, we were divided by race and sex (rose colored glasses-once upon a time;)).   We are still a nation divided by our economic inequality, our sexual preferences, our beliefs, our political party, etc.   As a nation, how do we deal with the divisions? With love and understanding or with hate and bitterness for our fellow citizens?


"If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand!" 

I often hold grudges...mostly with my husband.  Luckily, he usually lets things go much quicker than I do.  He deals with my tantrums with ease these days (most easily dealt with using avoidance:)).  I asked him how we can always avoid a house divided and his response was simple...and perfect.  "As long as you're my best friend, you talk to me as your best friend, you laugh with me as your best friend and you cry with me as your best friend, we will never have a house divided."

Thoroughly enjoyed preparing for Bible Study tonight.   Join me if you want to discuss! Tonight 6pm Main Street Mocha!

Jesus Accused by His Family and by Teachers of the Law

²⁰ Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. ²¹ When his family^[b] heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”
²² And the teachers of the law who came down from Jerusalem said, “He is possessed by Beelzebul! By the prince of demons he is driving out demons.”
²³ So Jesus called them over to him and began to speak to them in parables: “How can Satan drive out Satan? ²⁴ If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. ²⁵ If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. ²⁶ And if Satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand; his end has come. ²⁷ In fact, no one can enter a strong man’s house without first tying him up. Then he can plunder the strong man’s house. ²⁸ Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, ²⁹ but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
³⁰ He said this because they were saying, “He has an impure spirit.”
³¹ Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. ³² A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”
³³ “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
³⁴ Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! ³⁵ Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

 PS: GO BUCKS!

Finish the Dash-FAIL! Finish the week with a smile-SUCCESS!!

 So, the week before the second warrior dash my training lacked quite a bit.   I didn't run at all.  Actually, I didn't work out at all other than volleyball on Wednesday.  Sunday I was exhausted from pretending that I was 21 at the bay.  Monday I was feeling sorry for myself and the rest of the week I didn't have anyone to watch the monsters so that I could run because we were on vacation by ourselves.

In my defense, even if I would have run last week, I am doubtful that I would have finished without walking parts of the dash;)

By Wednesday I was over my Negative Nancy, party pooper attitude, all of my meetings were done and I decided to enjoy my monsters.  We explored the lake, rode around on the golf cart, went swimming, enjoyed kiddie cocktails at Mon Ami (ok, I might have had a glass of Sangria;)), bought school supplies and some new clothes, read books, cuddled and listened to 92.5 since Daddy doesn't let us;)

By the time we arrived at the campsite on Friday I was relaxed, makeup free and quite ready to spend some QT with the Travs and all of our monsters.  So, I MIGHT have threatened to pack up the entire campsite a few (DOZEN) times, I might have pretended to be on Seinfeld (SERENITY NOW) as one monster was tugging at my leg, another on my arm and another whining in the background...BUT that's just me. 

Like my brother says: I'm much cooler on the internet!  In real life I get aggravated with whiny, clingy children.  I make false threats. I call my friends lame (But seriously it's lame to get a hotel instead of camp with us:P).  I don't call enough.  I don't get every present I want to get on time or in the mail when I want to.  I can't pretend to be interested in meetings...it's just not possible!  When someone is late, I'm instantly in bitch mode...and it takes me a long time to snap out of it (like, I don't know, 3 beers was it?).  USUALLY I can end the day with the smile though!

Ok, I'm done babbling now.  The point of the post was: by the end of the week I was DIRTY and tired.  I had to walk part of the warrior dash (when Amy could have run it all if I wasn't such a slacker)-FAIL!  BUT, I made lemonade out of lemons.  We had a wonderful trip to the lake.  We had a blast at the water park.  We enjoyed the campfires and FELLOWSHIP (Ryan refers to my never ending need to converse with everyone fellowship time...we've decided Ty is even more into fellowship than I am:)) Aaron made it to the Warrior Dash in time to run and visit with my family on our way home.  We ended the week with a smile-SUCCESS!

First week of school, practices, studies, games every night...can we end this week with a smile?  I better get moving!

Too Busy

Sorry, no more blog this week.  No more facebook either.  My phone charge probably won't last longer than Friday.  I am going to bring my paper and pen to the lake, but I'm not sure if I'll use it.  I might try to soak it all in and absorb it.  I might write about our time together and save it for my beauties to read later in life.  Either way, I'm too busy to write a blog post this week.

Because I'm on vacation from the real world and I'm spending my time with the three most beautiful children I know! 

So happy that I decided to take a couple pictures with the kids.  As a mother, I'm generally the one snaping the photos.  I LOVE these pictures and will cherish them forever!

Too busy, too selfish, too....something, to write for anyone other than myself this week!

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Embrace uncertainty

So I *might have let a few tears fall this morning when I was talking to my Mommy.  It's possible that I am feeling a little overwhelmed to hear that our renter doesn't want to resign a lease.  The super high utility bill, school starting, vehicle repairs, the expensive airfare and now the thought of two mortgages on top of everything else could be enough to spur a panic attack.  The fact that I have been looking forward to a week of staycation with my family for a while now, but God had different plans and a week with my husband simply isn't in them could set me into a tailspin.

BUT

I'm not going to let it!

I refuse to feel sorry for myself.   Not when others have it so much more difficult than I do .  Not when I know that others are struggling with even bigger problems than I am.  This time, I'm going to resist my urge to dye my hair brown and hide behind fake smiles.  I am not going to surrender to the temptation to be depressed about circustances that are beyond my control.   It's so easy to slip into the negative nancy mindset, but I've been thinking about how to avoid this pitfall most of the day.

“Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.”
― Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars

I'm going to embrace the uncertainty.  I'm deciding to concentrate on the good instead focusing on the bad.   If we lose renters, maybe we will find a buyer!  Aaron will get to spend some quality time with his Dad and brother; time that he will remember forever and rarely makes otherwise.   My babies can't wait to have Mommy for the rest of the week all to themselves.  Camille said it will be the best week of the summer!  I can't be sad because they need me to bring my best.  They deserve my best.

Join me? Embrace uncertainty!

Rest in Peace, Grandpa Strong



*might-totally had to hang up the phone to avoid sobbing