Even...Now

Even now
I do and say things
because I know that others
expect me to respond a certain way.

Although I pray regularly,
I have doubts and insecurities buried
deep, deep inside.

Even now, when I repent often,
I have many regrets,
continue to make mistakes,
and fail to be all that He intends.

Even now,
now that I believe in Him with all of my heart,
I question why.

Even now
I have to push myself
to be more Every. Single Day.

Even now
I come up short,
leave the walls up,
missing takes my breath away.

Even
though I am stronger
Now,
I still struggle.
Even now.

Illusion of Bliss

I'm not sure that I'm ready to write tonight.  I have been wound up lately and I don't know if I can concentrate on one subject for more than a millisecond, but I'll try.  It will probably be easiest if I break it down since I don't really even understand what I want to say...

Google definition of Bliss: Perfect Happiness; great joy. 

Perfect happiness.  What is the hell is that? How do you get it?  Is it even possible?  If somehow you succeed and find it, how long can you keep it?

Google definition of illusion: A deceptive appearance or impression.

Looks can be deceiving.  I  am so often fooled by this!  I don't know if it's because I don't want to see under the surface smile or people are so good at putting on their "happy face" or what.  I think it's because I like to wear my rose colored glasses.  During conversation recently, I found out that a friend isn't as "blissfully happy" as I assumed.  They are always happy and smiling when I see them. They always seem put together and ready to tackle any obstacle, but really they are crumbling underneath.  I understand this feeling and knowing that they are struggling is hard to swallow.   When my friend blurted their feelings out so bluntly, it took my breath away.  I was at a loss for words.  I knew that nothing that I could say would make them feel any better, any differently.

When I'm struggling with similar feelings, I push them away.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I'm sure that's not how you're supposed to deal with your feelings, but it's how I do.  Sometimes when I feel stronger I pull down the box from the shelf, open it and let go of some of the hurt, anger, and sadness.  Most of the time I just leave it on the shelf.

It's easier stay awash in the illusion of bliss. 

Can you live forever awash in the illusion of this bliss? 

I hope Sarah sings 'Illusions of Bliss'!! So excited and wrapped up in the illusion of bliss;) 

Praying for so many lately...too many to list or count. 

Biggest Fear

I did really good at keeping the tears at bay last Friday until they played this song.  I don't even like stupid country music!  But standing there with Tam, knowing all the cancer odds, knowing the stupid disease, seeing my dads picture on the screen, I couldn't stop them. 

My biggest fear. 

Relay Day

Tonight is the Relay for Life.

It is both a day that I anticipate and dread. 

It is a reminder that people win the fight!  The survivor lap is proof.  All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight.  When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears.  Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on.  It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen.  I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer.  I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor.  I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day!  I think about how they fought so hard and won!  Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more.  I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!

It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word.  He is already a warrior and he's only 9!  How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body.  "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena  And pray for him daily.

It is a reminder of a friends dad who has already lived longer than his stated odds.  That is living his life to treasure each moment.  He smiles every chance he gets, rides his motorcycle when he's able and cherishes his time with his family.  Keeping the faith in our Lord above. 

It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.

It is a reminder of medical terms and  brain mets.  Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family.  Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.

It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather's dad, so many, too many.

But is also a reminder of HOPE.  

Two minutes before my alarm sounded this morning I received a text from my baby brother: "The emotional weekend begins.  Love ya sis!"  Tonight I relay, tomorrow he golfs in memory of Gary, and Sunday is Father's Day.  The second year I will not buy a golf shirt and golf balls.  Emotional is an understatement. 

With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure.  I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once.  I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us.  I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.

I hope for a cure.

It's relay day.  Remember. Love. Hope.

Crystal Clear

At the beginning of this week I felt like I had ADD.   I would start a project and dig in. Then I'd receive a text about something else and switch gears to work on that. Then the phone would ring and I'd drop what I was doing to turn to whatever the caller needed.  Then my email would beep and I would change tasks yet again.  Then I walked down to the laundry room and wanted to pull out my hair because the piles had not folded themselves or put themselves away! By the time I was done with one thing, I didn't know what to turn to next!  I felt like I was running in circles, crossing things off of my list mere seconds before they were due.

This week I turned brisket mad (that's really, Really, REALLY mad...usually at my hubby) over something that really doesn't matter in the big picture.  In my mind, I cursed a couple toddlers and wanted to scream when they didn't listen to me.  I was offended by an email, that on any other day would have been taken as friendly banter between friends.  I questioned why I blog.  I tried to cry, but tears wouldn't come.  I tossed and turned thinking of all of the things that needed to be completed.

Revelation 21:10-11

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁰ And he carried me away in the Spirit to a mountain great and high, and showed me the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God. ¹¹ It shone with the glory of God, and its brilliance was like that of a very precious jewel, like a jasper, clear as crystal.

During reflection last night, I realized a few things about myself.  None of them are new, but sometimes I forget (Yes, SOMETIMES (not very often) women forget things)!  Sometimes the things that need fixed/tweaked don't have an easy fix.  Sometimes it's hard to tell if anything is even broken.  The thoughts of TOO MANY TITLES that were as clear as mud at the beginning of the week, are now crystal clear.

The laundry, dusting and sweeping isn't going anywhere. I spend a lot of time with my friends, Aaron deserves the same opportunity.  (Even if I don't think it's the best use of his time and even if it doesn't fit in my neatly printed, color coordinated calendar)

These same toddlers that I was mentally cursing early in the week, cuddled up to me so sweetly last night.  I asked one of them if they were having fun this week and they responded with their eyes full of excitement "Of course, my favorite part isn't snack though, it's games, but don't tell!  I want a special treat!"   THEY ARE LISTENING!  Even if we don't think they are, they are! :)  They deserve my patience and understanding...even when I am tired or overwhelmed.

Even IF my friend(s) meant what they typed, at the end of the day, they are still my friends.  They will still love me if they think I blog as an attention device.  They will still join me for pizza and drinks after the softball tournament is done. 

I blog to help sort my feelings, to release emotion, to beg for prayers and support for my friends and family in need, to help others that might be feeling the same way in different stages of life, because I enjoy writing...but not for attention.  I know why I blog and that's all that matters to me.  I decided a long time ago not to allow advertisers on my blog because it's my space.  I blogged for over a year before I shared one post.  Since then, I have decided to share it, but it's your choice to click on the page and read it.  Read it, don't read it.  Read it because you can relate, read it because you're nosey, read it because you're bored.  It doesn't make a difference at the end of my day.

I can't force myself to cry in order to receive that desired emotional release.  Tears can't be squeezed out when it's convenient.  Actually I normally try to suppress them, so to think I could just cry on demand is rather comical!  I was trying to "get them all out" before the walk.  In the back of my mind I knew that's why I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cry alone, in the comfort of my bed. Not in front of all of the participants at the Relay for Life.  But, even if I would have been able to cry, when I see the picture of my dad on the screen, when I walk by the bag with his name, when I reach out to grab Tam's hand as we walk by the bag for her mom, when I witness the overwhelming support to find the cure for cancer...they will come and I will not be able to hide them.

Tossing and turning is not productive.  Worrying about all the things that need to be completed rather than sleeping does not solve any problems!

Some of the most important things I re-learned this week.

•  I have to set more boundaries.  In order for me to be able to fulfill the many titles that I hold, I can't say yes to every request. 
• My friends and family love me even when I'm in overload mode.  (Hiding is probably still the best survival tactic when I've over committed...because I'm sure I'll do it again)!
• Deep breaths and quiet time alone to pray does help.
• Exercise, even if it is simply a long walk, helps to dust the cobwebs around your brain.
• It's ok to ask for help!
• I still have to find time to get a Father's Day present!
• I am so much more than the things I do:) 
• I'm blessed to have so many titles...even when I feel like I have too many!

Lists, commitments, responsibilities...they don't mean anything if I'm not present...It's crystal clear now!

Saying no is an act of faith, demonstrating your belief that you are not what you do. Shauna Niequist 6/13/12

Overload

If you need something from me, I would suggest waiting a couple weeks to ask me (or you might get your head taken off).  Denny can attest to this.  He stopped me one day last year when I was having a schedule overload and asked if I would be willing to help or be on a committee or something.  I didn't even wait to hear the request...the devil inside of me peeked out and I bit his head off!  I think I scared him because he hasn't asked me for help since;)

Completely on overload the next couple weeks.  The planner is always full of bright colors, but the next couple weeks are insane. I am going to practice 'NO' before I go to bed each night and as soon as I wake up in the morning.  So, unless you want to watch my head spin and witness my blood boil, you might want to wait a couple weeks to ask me for any favors:)

I felt like I should warn people:)  And sorry, no time to write!  Still looking for guest bloggers (BF, STOP SLACKING!!)

Tutu-fun? Tutu-torture? Tutu-DONE!

 

We all had fun.  The hills were TORTURE.  I wanted to cry, throw up, and quit, but Amy and Ashley made me finish.  They could have completed the dash in a much quicker time, but I whined and cried and made them slow down!  Aaron was the Warrior Dash Rock Star and finished 158 out of 6,773 participants 24 out of the 1,154 participants in his age group.

I had TWO Oreo Flurries yesterday as my reward for finishing the dash...and in less than an hour which was my goal:)  Back on track today with a salad...Ash will probably try to convince us to wear bikinis in the next one...I better get working;)

We are signing up for another dash in August.  We are going to run in two heats and bring the monsters.  For my friend that doesn't facebook, but follows: Text me if you want more details...I think you guys would like it!