Admittedly, I often have impossible expectations. Sometimes, in my opinion, my husband isn't bringing 100% to the table. Whatever the reason is this week; both of us are irritated with each other. Maybe we have even resorted to giving each other the silent treatment:) We have learned that the silent treatment is more effective in our relationship than yelling at each other (and also realize it is very immature). We will probably call a cease fire tonight as both of us have had sufficient time to get over what is irritating us, but I think most of my problems stem from feeling disconnected to him.
When you're in a committed relationship, sometimes it's hard to prevent co-existing. When I refer to my husband as my roommate, it instantly makes him shudder. Most likely this reaction is because he knows that this reference is always followed by my complaint that I feel disconnected to him. After you have been living with someone for a while, you each know what chores are expected of you and do them without thinking. You know what show to turn on the television in the evening and you don't really have to ask about their day because you can tell by their body language. The conversation dies and you co-exist.
I know that he will fold the clothes, but will not put them away. I know that he will take the garbage to the corner, but will not empty the bathroom trash cans prior to doing so. I know that he will take money out of the ATM, but will never check to see if it was debited twice. I'm positive that he has a long scroll of similar things that he knows and expects out of me. For example, if I do not sleep well, I will take it out on my entire household the next evening. Or that once a month I am irrational, impossible, and it's better to avoid any serious conversation...probably safest to simply avoid me altogether for a couple days!
How do you prevent simply co-existing and maintain a healthy, loving relationship?
I've read articles about it, I've talked to my friends about it, I try not to let it get to the point where I feel like we are simply co-existing, but I suppose it's inevitable. It's difficult to find time with children, work and life to concentrate on feeding the relationship with your significant other, especially when the machine is running smoothly.
These are some of the things I have heard, learned, or plan to try:
- Exercise together...Somewhat successful. It pisses me off that he can do zero exercise and then go out and run 3 miles in less than 24 minutes...so I definitely will not be running with him. Recreational sports are fun when I'm playing well. I hate it when I am playing poorly and if Aaron is there, he is usually the one that gets the attitude. When we're already fighting and we play volleyball together it's pretty comical since we give each other the silent treatment the entire match:)
- Date Night...Guaranteed success. Dress up, go to your favorite restaurant, watch a movie together. Make time to focus on each other.
- Make a list of all of the things your significant other does for your household. This will force you to see all of the things they do to make the machine run smoothly and hopefully will allow you to appreciate them more.
- Write a love letter, poem, or give a card. At the very least this shows your significant other that you are thinking about them and appreciate them. (Personally, I have given up on receiving one of these, but I do give them).
- Ask about their day…and actually pay attention. When you stop sharing parts of your day with your significant other, your relationship suffers. Your day is important to you and you need to share it with your spouse...don't just sit silently and watch the television.
- Make a commitment to change. When you realize the conversation is old and boring, change it! You'll probably be surprised at some of the answers you receive when you start asking about the things they like to do.
- Be spontaneous. When I order at a restaurant it is always the same thing. When I walk in the office, I have the same routine. Each night we attend whatever practice or game is that night, take baths, read books, etc. Same same same. Boring boring boring. Do something spontaneous.
This weekend I ordered what the cutie pie waiter recommended, NOT the same thing I always do. We went to dinner by ourselves...No children, no friends, just us! Then I begged him to take me shopping and pretend that he was my sugar daddy. We did things out of the ordinary and HAD FUN!
I think FUN is probably the key to prevent co-existing. I wrote this so that I would force myself to think about how to prevent co-existing, but I would love others opinions on the subject. How do you prevent co-existing?
Carpaccio appetizer per recommendation of Matt Canfield
