When something doesn't fit.

What do you do when something doesn't fit?

When my pants don't button, I tend to eat healthy and workout...or buy new pants;)

That's a pretty easy solution.

When I was diagnosed 10 months ago (wow, it seems like so much longer), there was a time period where I felt that I didn't fit. This was a new concept/feeling to me.  I have always "fit".  Honestly, I normally feel like I fit in with pretty much any crowd.

Please don't take this the wrong way, my friends and family didn't treat me any different.  They weren't mean.  They were sensitive to my needs and wishes.  They were not the problem.

First, it started with my lack of energy.  I couldn't keep up with the workouts I was used to completing.  I was used to working out with friends and that was three-five hours of girlfriend time.  When I could no longer complete a workout, I was missing out on this time. It was usually replaced by spending alone time laying down. *My friends ALWAYS offered to walk/modify the workout, but I didn't want to hold them up/slow them down.*


Then, I noticed myself staring off thinking about God-knows-what instead of conversing when I was with my friends or family.  I really had to concentrate to have a normal conversation about anything other than cancer.

Next, the part that was frightening to me, I thought maybe I no longer "fit".  At home, I would probe my bearded man with questions like:

Is it normal to want to stay home all the time when my whole life I have wanted action? 

Do you think I've changed?  Have my friends changed?  Why don't I want to go to X, Y, or Z?

Maybe I'm better off staying home.  If they want to stop by, they can.

Is it because I don't care about the little things anymore?  It's not exciting to go shopping for new clothes, they're just clothes.  I have no desire to talk about the weather or plans for next week or month because I don't know how I'll feel. I really don't care what my/anyone elses hair looks like at this point, but I know I'm supposed to notice and care that someone got highlights or a new do.

I'm nervous to go to this/that party.  I might have to talk to someone I don't know/want to talk to.

I thought they (my friends, most of whom I've known my ENTIRE life) were so different from me now. It was hard to have a good time when I did decide to go.  I was tired and distant and different.  I didn't fit.

And I REALLY struggled with it.  Why don't I fit in?! What is wrong with me?!

Now that I'm feeling better.  I'm back to working regular work hours.  I'm working out a few times a week.  I have a little more energy. My pants are much closer to buttoning again.

Now, I get it.

Depression.  I didn't know what depression was before my diagnosis. (No, that's a lie.  I've been depressed before, but I was aware that I was depressed...I mean, I sat in a room and watched a blank television screen for goodness sake.  This was different.  This time, I thought I just stopped fitting in and didn't understand what was wrong with me.)

I have witnessed depression.  The bearded man gets a small case of it every winter.  I have family and friends that deal with it.  But, I had never personally struggled with it over a long period of time.  The bearded man did say a couple times, "Maybe you should try the antidepressants".  (I shot laser beams out of my eyes into his skull each time he made that recommendation.)

Looking back, I am so very thankful that I had the monsters to keep me up and alive, forcing me to get off my *ever growing dumper and live.

When something doesn't fit, what do you do?

Just like pants, I guess you can work to make it fit or buy new.  I bought new. I worked to make the new life that consisted of more time at home and less running around fit.  I found great reward in cuddling more, reading more books, playing dumb board games (I hate board games...even before I was Dori I had an awful memory, now it's SHOT!), and drinking my tea while watching the kids fight over an ipod or book or one red crayon when we have 15 red crayons.

My old life of running around from one place to the next fit well before, but I don't want to return to it. I guess it's just always going to feel a little too tight to button comfortably.  

My goal is to end somewhere in the middle.  I think that place in the middle for me is called content and happy.   I'm really close right now.  I'm content at home and I feel confident and comfortable in social situations again.

Depression is most often a silent fight.  Like most of our battles, we usually fight them alone in the dark, behind closed doors.  But that doesn't make them any less real.

Hopefully, my friends and family are happy that I've returned from la-la land and can actually have a conversation without tuning out. Some of them might prefer that I stay there...I give my opinion A LOT less when I'm in la-la land;)

*SDD description of her @$$ when she was prego, but I think it accurately describes my @$$ over the course of this year.  It continued to grow and grow until very recently when I decided it was not healthy to let it continue to grow.

Keep fighting to make it fit,

This picture really has no reason to be on this post, but I love it, so I'm sharing with you.  If you're fighting, pray.  It's the best way to make things fit.