Since most of the stuff that is going on in my head isn't my story to share, I'm going to attempt to write about how I feel about a touchy subject. I'm not sure if I will hit the share button at the end because I am friends with my little cousins and a few kids from church on facebook and I certainly don't want them reading this. I'm not sure if I'll even hit the publish button for the regular followers because even though I want to be open and honest in this breast cancer journey, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. When I see people flash the pity look, I want to shake them and tell them not to feel sorry for me, I'm busy living and they should do the same.
But, surgery is quickly approaching. I've been thinking about this "touchy subject" for a while. I've been planning my days to make sure I am with the people most important to me. I've been carving out time to spend with Aaron. He's the one that's been chosen to have a sick wife and he's the one that will have the most constant reminder when treatment is complete. I have a few weird friends that want to see and I'm sure my mom and Heid will check it out, but Aaron's the one that will have to see my body post-operation on a daily basis. A body that will be drastically different in a few short weeks.
One of my girlfriends is 2 years post surgery and she still hides from her husband when she gets out of the shower. She's a confident, beautiful woman and she hides. Her husband helped change the dressings and drain tubes after surgery and still, she hides.
Am I going to hide? Am I going to be able to mentally recover from the surgery in the bedroom? Never mind that I will not have any feeling there at all (which is something that doesn't sound like much until you're the one dealing with it), but am I even going want my husband to see me?
Will I even be strong enough to look? Will I hurry to cover myself from myself?
I've looked at the post-op pictures and they are scary. I've viewed a ton of final result pictures that look pretty real and I've looked at even more final results pictures that suck. I have a great plastics doctor, but a big part of the results is out of his hands. How will my skin stretch? How will it hold up to radiation? How bad will it scar?
Everyone jokes about how big I plan to get. I just want them to look and feel like mine! No bigger or smaller. Not perkier. Not more symmetrical. I want moles in the same place that they have always been and nipples that I can feel.
But, I want to live, so that simply isn't a possibility.
A touchy subject-I didn't want bigger boobs this bad. Victoria Secret was doing just fine by me.
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But, surgery is quickly approaching. I've been thinking about this "touchy subject" for a while. I've been planning my days to make sure I am with the people most important to me. I've been carving out time to spend with Aaron. He's the one that's been chosen to have a sick wife and he's the one that will have the most constant reminder when treatment is complete. I have a few weird friends that want to see and I'm sure my mom and Heid will check it out, but Aaron's the one that will have to see my body post-operation on a daily basis. A body that will be drastically different in a few short weeks.
One of my girlfriends is 2 years post surgery and she still hides from her husband when she gets out of the shower. She's a confident, beautiful woman and she hides. Her husband helped change the dressings and drain tubes after surgery and still, she hides.
Am I going to hide? Am I going to be able to mentally recover from the surgery in the bedroom? Never mind that I will not have any feeling there at all (which is something that doesn't sound like much until you're the one dealing with it), but am I even going want my husband to see me?
Will I even be strong enough to look? Will I hurry to cover myself from myself?
I've looked at the post-op pictures and they are scary. I've viewed a ton of final result pictures that look pretty real and I've looked at even more final results pictures that suck. I have a great plastics doctor, but a big part of the results is out of his hands. How will my skin stretch? How will it hold up to radiation? How bad will it scar?
Everyone jokes about how big I plan to get. I just want them to look and feel like mine! No bigger or smaller. Not perkier. Not more symmetrical. I want moles in the same place that they have always been and nipples that I can feel.
But, I want to live, so that simply isn't a possibility.
A touchy subject-I didn't want bigger boobs this bad. Victoria Secret was doing just fine by me.
Uploaded with ImageShack.us
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