Today is the first day that I haven't had something to plan AND my mind is
somewhat recovered from the party. I arrived at work and I attempted to catch up on as much of the administrative work as possible. The rest of the week I will wrap up the few client files that I have active and make notes on how to do most of the tasks I normally handle.
Two more weeks.
Since I'm wrapping up at work and slowing down to spend more time with the kids and Aaron at home, I only have the surgery to think about. Not a big sleepover, not a retreat, not a party, just surgery.
Two more weeks.
My mind wanders there often. I have to set mini goals throughout the day so that I can accomplish anything other than WORRY.
How long until Keegan will be able to give me a giant bear hug again? He thought that every other week was a long time not to be able to squeeze me after I would have chemo treatment. Post-op no bear hug is going to seem like eternity to him.
Lilly asked me this morning if she has any games before surgery and if I will be there to watch her at all after surgery. They hear everyone asking me about it and they know it's coming sooner rather than later. Lilly wants to know every detail of her day and she's used to my planning out every minute of every day. She knows that I know how many games I will see before surgery and how many I think I'll make post-op, but I don't want to tell her. A month seems like a long time to me; it seems even longer to a child.
Camille woke up in the middle of the night last night. She didn't wake me up or even crawl into bed with me. She tiptoed into my room, kissed my cheek and went back to her bed. And I cried myself back to sleep.
Two more weeks.
Thankfully, I received a handout at the (AWESOME) retreat that I attended this weekend and I started to work on it tonight. It is full of ideas on how to deal with anxiety, stress, etc. I have reminders that I wear everyday with words like: Blessed, Believe, Hope. Amazingly, I met a new friend exactly at the moment that I needed someone to talk to last night. I was able to speak candidly with her about some of our fears and insecurities. She walked by and I could have waved and smiled, but instead I called her over and asked her about her day. An hour later we both left the park feeling a little less alone. I am taking time to remind myself of ALL the many blessings that surround me each and every day, but in the back of my mind I'm always thinking...
Two more weeks.
Two more weeks until I turn 32. Quite some time ago at a Bible Study, we read a story about how Jesus and his disciples went away to rest, but people found him and needed him. Rather than turn them away and tell them that they needed to refill their own cup or take a moment to rest, he worked harder. He taught them many things and he instructed his disciples to feed them.
In my mind, this was validation for me overdoing it. I joked with my friends at Bible study something to the tune of: See, Jesus never took a break. He went to the boat in an attempt to rest, but when push came to shove, he acted with compassion for those eager to hear His word. I'm just trying to do more, be more, love more, care more.
And a friend pointed out: Well, you only have a couple more years if you're going to continue to emulate His life.
I knew what she meant. Jesus was a young man when He died. Many believe Him to be around 33.(I'm sure some would like to argue His exact age, but that's really not the point of this post). You know, right around my age!
We all laughed about how my friend shut me up with ease and all agreed that I should probably slow down a bit;)
But in two more weeks I'll be 32 and the very next day I'm having a major surgery. A surgery that has a big part in how long I'll be around to do and be more. I can't help but to think of our study that day. When will my work here be done?
Two more weeks until surgery, staging, and checking the cells to see if chemo killed all of the active c-word cells. While I'm writing about surgery, I should answer the question most people have asked: how long is my vacation booked at the Cleveland Clinic? Depending on the time of day that they start my surgery, I will be in the hospital one or two days. I plan to stay at my brothers house for a day or two after they release me so that I'm closer in case of an emergency and because I'm not going to be able to do anything for/with my children anyways for a week or so. Once I return home, I plan to hibernate for a while.
So, that's where I'm at in my thought process. Smiles are being shared with my family and friends, love is being squeezed out of my monsters and filling my heart and I'm coping with the anxiety the best way I know how to fight it: prayer and meditation!
Maegan and some fellow Princesses that were crowned at the Ripple Retreat 2013!
Continuing to be His hands and feet for as long as I am granted. I am loved. I am His princess.
Keep praying,
Mark 6:31-44
New International Version (NIV)
31 Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”
32 So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. 33 But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. 34 When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.
35 By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. “This is a remote place,” they said, “and it’s already very late. 36 Send the people away so that they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat.”
37 But he answered, “You give them something to eat.”
They said to him, “That would take more than half a year’s wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?”
38 “How many loaves do you have?” he asked. “Go and see.”
When they found out, they said, “Five—and two fish.”
39 Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41 Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to distribute to the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. 44 The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.
Bus Crew 2013! Camille can't wait until her staggered start day when she gets to join them!
Keegan: Preschool Year 2-Mr. Swindel
As you can see, the smiles are MUCH bigger when she's at home, in her comfort zone. As we walked to the bus stop, her grip tightened and tears started to form. 
