"All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better." Butterfly Boucher
When you're in a sad mood do you immediately turn to your collection of depressing songs and play them over and over again? I do!! Somehow listening to the sad songs eventually makes me feel better. At the Sarah concert, before she started singing one of her many depressing songs, she said that when she writes the sad songs it gives her this same release. The more devastating and heart wrenching the song is, the better she feels when she's done writing or singing it.
Normally my scribblings start out much darker (some would probably say scary) than they appear after they have been edited and posted here. You know, resemble more of the loud mouth, no filter, ME that you all know and love;) Before I get to the "spin" on the facts or the perception of beautiful life that you read, it is often WHY?, THIS SUCKS!, NOT FAIR!!
Today I'm going to attempt to explain the steps that I take that help me to put the "spin" that you read on here. How I work through the dark feelings and get back to loving life. The first thing that I think everyone needs to find is an outlet. Whether it is writing, listening to music, reading a book, working out, making crafts-just find something that you like to do. The time should be something that gives you time in your head or time with a couple of close friends that you can use as a sounding board. Take time to think about life and the circumstances that have led up to the point that you are at. When you are thinking "this isn't fair", be mad about it. When you think things can't possibly get any worse, be angry (but know that they probably can and usually when you think they can't, they do).
It is normal to cry and heaven forbid not smile every second of the day. It's ok to be upset! I understand that it is easier to simply put on your happy face and pretend that life is sunshine and rainbows, but everyone knows that is simply not how life works. You might even be surprised who will step up to the plate and hit the most homeruns in the listening friend homerun derby! You will never know if you are too afraid to expose yourself.
I will be the first to admit how much easier it is to put up the wall and hide behind the smiles, but then you never have a release of emotions. If you force the smile over and over again, the emotions stay buried and the more things you pile on top of them the harder it is to deal with them when you're finally ready to face them. If you just keep piling and piling, you're going to have to dig and dig even further, through more crap, when you eventually think you're ready to deal with whatever you buried in the first place.
Even worse than when you think you're ready to deal with the emotions, are the times when you don't want or plan to dig and something triggers the emotions when you aren't ready for them. This could be a tornado whistle; passing someone that wore the same cologne as someone special to you; hearing a song that brings you not just back to a memory, but so far back to a specific place that it feels like you are there; a friend going through a similar situation that brings up raw feelings that you didn't expect. Sometimes it is something as little as opening the mailbox to a letter that is addressed to a loved one that has passed away. No matter what the trigger is, it brings this flood of emotion and your head starts to spin. Instead of dealing with the sad or angry emotions as they come one by one, now a simple trigger has the possibility to start a tsunami. So, while burying the bad feelings can seem like the best solution at the time, it is often the recipe for disaster!
Since I'm not able to build a time machine and I can't go back and deal with some of the emotions that I have buried, I will just hope and pray that nothing triggers a tsunami while I'm chipping away at the bricks. Knowing that from here on out, I can do it differently makes me feel a little relief. It must be because I'm almost 30! (I am so going out of town for the entire month of September since I have made it a point to rub it in to each and every one of my friends that have already hit the milestone!) From here on out I can deal with the thoughts and emotions as they come or as soon as I have time to sort through them. If nothing else I can stop putting the thoughts on the top shelf, thinking maybe eventually they will take care of themselves (they don't).
Cry about the events or circumstances, be mad about them, don't tell Pastor Jen, but yell at God if you have to(she told me He can handle it;))! Tell a friend that you're upset. Be specific in your needs to your friend. If you just want someone to sit with you, tell them. If instead you want them to listen and shut the hell up, tell them! If you want them to hold your hand while you cry, pick the friend you feel most comfortable with and tell them!!
Then, when you have been mad about whatever it is that is making you angry long enough, hopefully you will feel comfortable with the circumstances. At peace with the events that have taken place, often leaving us feeling less than whole. Once you reach this point, you are at the point where you can put the "spin" on it!
When you look back at nearly any situation you can almost always find something good that you learned about yourself or your loved ones. You might have to look really, really hard! It might be that you didn't know that you were as strong as you are. Or that you didn't think you could handle as many titles as suddenly described you.
Maybe the lesson will come to you as you hear the wind whipping outside of your window, as you read a book or see the carefree smile of a child, but you have to keep your eyes open for the signs. You can't just remain in the "poor me" phase forever. Often life isn't sunshine and rainbows, but eventually you have to look beyond how bad you are feeling at any given time and find the silver lining. Find that sign that tells you that things are going to be alright.
For me it's writing bitter posts. The more bitter the better! Then after a few days, sometimes weeks, putting the spin on them to help me to release the bad emotion that tries so hard to creep in. Usually creeping in when you least expect it! Cry, be angry, find your release, look for the beautiful irony and put your spin on it!
"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Faith Hope and Love
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Times 3 Times 10
When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Times 3 Times 10
When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wind
Whipping, swirling, howling, stopping, spinning, humming, whistling, dancing, singing...
Last night I went to my room after a wonderful, yet exhausting day with my children. I could barely finish a chapter in my book before I crashed, but when I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was haunted by the sound of the wind. Listening to it crescendo with great intensity and then calm to a quiet hum outside my window, I couldn't help but compare the sounds I was hearing to life. Maybe it was because of the story I read on facebook minutes before calling it a night, maybe it was because of the recent tragedy in our small town, or maybe the book I am reading and how it applies to my life, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
My thoughts were consumed with comparing times of calm to times of insanity, standstills that I thought nothing could ever go wrong and points were I felt complete despair. So many times in life we are put in situations where we are confused, like the wind is swirling around our head, like a train whistle rather than a hum, the sound is intense and cannot be quieted.
I am positive that this is how the Wiechman family is feeling right now. Asking themselves will it ever slow down; stop swirling and spinning and let us rest? Who knows maybe even let us dance and sing? I do not know the family well but am aware that their young lives have been filled with tragedy and pain. Already having lost both parents and now one of their brothers is simply not fair. I hope they know that our hearts are breaking for them. The entire community is praying for them to make it through this difficult time and to keep the faith. In the few emails I have shared with Mark's family, they are proving the adage "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" completely true, even the first words of one of their written response to me. AMAZING!
They have been dealt a junk hand over and over again and they still hold strong in faith. They take a break when the wind subsides to attempt to explain death to their children even though they can barely choke out the words. At times like this it is very difficult to feel Him walking beside you. So I thought I'd share my friends story in case some of you aren't friends with them on facebook or in real life. In the event that you are questioning why!? In case, just maybe, you need a little caffeine in your faith!
As the cold winter winds were being replaced by the fresh spring breeze about four years ago, I walked with my friend in an attempt to, as she puts it, get some of the jiggles off. We had attempted, are currently on a quest, and will probably always continue to attempt this feat during our friendship, but the year I am writing about, she was pregnant.
Since she had previously miscarried, she was rightfully worried. When she would express her anxiety and concern to me, I would downplay her worries and tell her that everything was going to be fine. (That's what friends do, right?) As the pregnancy continued she continued to tell me that something was different. Over and over again, I would tell her she was crazy (yes, this is one of the situations you look back and think, hmmm, probably should have used different words, or simply listened more and talked less). But instead I continued to tell her everything would be fine, just relax and enjoy her pregnancy. When I got the call that she was in the hospital, way, way too early, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was right, he is different. Nobody knew he would change the world.
When I went to visit her, I was terrified and not just for her unborn child. When they moved her to a better hospital, the same terror was in everyone's voice, written on their faces for the world to see. It was frightening to think of her delivering her baby so early. His lungs weren't going to be ready! He was too small! Why was this happening?!?
I will never forget walking hand in hand with two of my best friends down the hall in the NICU to meet their little miracle baby. I fought back all of my tears. I had to be brave for them. I had to believe with all my heart that this baby was going to be alright. I had been telling my friend for so long that everything was going to be ok, it just had to be! He had to be strong enough to make it through the surgery, for his lungs to develop, he just had to. So many people were praying for him to fight. So many people loved him well before they met him.
Then I received the next call. This dear sweet child, so tiny and small, has CF. Immediately I turned to the internet. I had to know everything about CF. I had to know that he could win this fight too! The literature is frightening. Immediately that "can't breathe" feeling was back. The wind was howling, we all prayed for miracles. We all prayed so very hard for the world to stop spinning for our friends and their miracle baby. Again, I went to the NICU. This time with my favorite fictional storybook in hand, "The Power of One". Carson was going to be a fighter; he was going to change the world, just like the character in the story did. I had to believe this. I prayed for it.
If you don't know the Slates family or Carson, you might not know that he is already changing the world. He's 3! He has already changed more lives than most people do in 90 years. He is special, he is one of a kind, he's a fighter.
Last night Carson moved his parents to tears. He walked up to Amy, pulled up his shirt and asked Amy what the line on his belly was? Amy explained that it was the scar from his surgery when he was first born. Carson started asking about the surgery and said "Mommy who was sitting & watching during the surgery?" He had his parents puzzled. They couldn't figure out what he was talking about! After a couple of minutes he said "It was Jesus watching me"!
Carson is 3! He is already changing the world. He is smart enough to realize that even when the wind is stinging cold, whirling and spinning you in every direction, when you don't feel like you can catch your breath, He is there. Watching over you, walking beside you, loving you. The wind only sings and dances with Carson these days, even if there is a tornado outside, even if he is taking his medicine or his never ending breathing treatments. Jesus is inside of him, the spirit lives in him.
Praying that spring comes soon and brings the gentle breeze for everyone out there that could use some relief. Take comfort in Carson's words. He is watching you, too!
Last night I went to my room after a wonderful, yet exhausting day with my children. I could barely finish a chapter in my book before I crashed, but when I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was haunted by the sound of the wind. Listening to it crescendo with great intensity and then calm to a quiet hum outside my window, I couldn't help but compare the sounds I was hearing to life. Maybe it was because of the story I read on facebook minutes before calling it a night, maybe it was because of the recent tragedy in our small town, or maybe the book I am reading and how it applies to my life, but I couldn't shake the feeling.
My thoughts were consumed with comparing times of calm to times of insanity, standstills that I thought nothing could ever go wrong and points were I felt complete despair. So many times in life we are put in situations where we are confused, like the wind is swirling around our head, like a train whistle rather than a hum, the sound is intense and cannot be quieted.
I am positive that this is how the Wiechman family is feeling right now. Asking themselves will it ever slow down; stop swirling and spinning and let us rest? Who knows maybe even let us dance and sing? I do not know the family well but am aware that their young lives have been filled with tragedy and pain. Already having lost both parents and now one of their brothers is simply not fair. I hope they know that our hearts are breaking for them. The entire community is praying for them to make it through this difficult time and to keep the faith. In the few emails I have shared with Mark's family, they are proving the adage "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" completely true, even the first words of one of their written response to me. AMAZING!
They have been dealt a junk hand over and over again and they still hold strong in faith. They take a break when the wind subsides to attempt to explain death to their children even though they can barely choke out the words. At times like this it is very difficult to feel Him walking beside you. So I thought I'd share my friends story in case some of you aren't friends with them on facebook or in real life. In the event that you are questioning why!? In case, just maybe, you need a little caffeine in your faith!
As the cold winter winds were being replaced by the fresh spring breeze about four years ago, I walked with my friend in an attempt to, as she puts it, get some of the jiggles off. We had attempted, are currently on a quest, and will probably always continue to attempt this feat during our friendship, but the year I am writing about, she was pregnant.
Since she had previously miscarried, she was rightfully worried. When she would express her anxiety and concern to me, I would downplay her worries and tell her that everything was going to be fine. (That's what friends do, right?) As the pregnancy continued she continued to tell me that something was different. Over and over again, I would tell her she was crazy (yes, this is one of the situations you look back and think, hmmm, probably should have used different words, or simply listened more and talked less). But instead I continued to tell her everything would be fine, just relax and enjoy her pregnancy. When I got the call that she was in the hospital, way, way too early, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was right, he is different. Nobody knew he would change the world.
When I went to visit her, I was terrified and not just for her unborn child. When they moved her to a better hospital, the same terror was in everyone's voice, written on their faces for the world to see. It was frightening to think of her delivering her baby so early. His lungs weren't going to be ready! He was too small! Why was this happening?!?
I will never forget walking hand in hand with two of my best friends down the hall in the NICU to meet their little miracle baby. I fought back all of my tears. I had to be brave for them. I had to believe with all my heart that this baby was going to be alright. I had been telling my friend for so long that everything was going to be ok, it just had to be! He had to be strong enough to make it through the surgery, for his lungs to develop, he just had to. So many people were praying for him to fight. So many people loved him well before they met him.
Then I received the next call. This dear sweet child, so tiny and small, has CF. Immediately I turned to the internet. I had to know everything about CF. I had to know that he could win this fight too! The literature is frightening. Immediately that "can't breathe" feeling was back. The wind was howling, we all prayed for miracles. We all prayed so very hard for the world to stop spinning for our friends and their miracle baby. Again, I went to the NICU. This time with my favorite fictional storybook in hand, "The Power of One". Carson was going to be a fighter; he was going to change the world, just like the character in the story did. I had to believe this. I prayed for it.
If you don't know the Slates family or Carson, you might not know that he is already changing the world. He's 3! He has already changed more lives than most people do in 90 years. He is special, he is one of a kind, he's a fighter.
Last night Carson moved his parents to tears. He walked up to Amy, pulled up his shirt and asked Amy what the line on his belly was? Amy explained that it was the scar from his surgery when he was first born. Carson started asking about the surgery and said "Mommy who was sitting & watching during the surgery?" He had his parents puzzled. They couldn't figure out what he was talking about! After a couple of minutes he said "It was Jesus watching me"!
Carson is 3! He is already changing the world. He is smart enough to realize that even when the wind is stinging cold, whirling and spinning you in every direction, when you don't feel like you can catch your breath, He is there. Watching over you, walking beside you, loving you. The wind only sings and dances with Carson these days, even if there is a tornado outside, even if he is taking his medicine or his never ending breathing treatments. Jesus is inside of him, the spirit lives in him.
Praying that spring comes soon and brings the gentle breeze for everyone out there that could use some relief. Take comfort in Carson's words. He is watching you, too!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love
I asked my friend if she needed me as she buries her Granny. Her Granny that she visited at least every week (putting me to shame!) in the nursing home. My friend is strong. She is the rock in her family. She told me that she would be ok and that I didn't need to skip work. The service planned was just a simple graveside service as her grandmother had requested. I know that she will be surrounded by her loving immediate family and her extended family that also doubles as some of her best friends. I know she'll be ok.
I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.
When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.
Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.
I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.
Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.
I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.
When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.
Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.
I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.
Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.
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