Day 28: Something that stresses you out
LIFE.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
It's only the beginning
A re-post from my private blog because we could all use a little strength and guidance as we face difficult decisions and especially as we say goodbye. I hope you find comfort knowing that final moments here are really only the beginning. Praying for peace for Norm. Praying for strength, wisdom and grace for Jenni, Amy, Adam and the rest of their clan. Know that I am thinking of you all as you meet with Hospice and as you spend your final moments.
Final Moments--but really it's only the beginning
"This is so hard to watch, how do you do this every day?" with tears streaming down her face, my Aunt Deb manages to blubber out. "How do you say goodbye, how are you so strong?" I continued to hold her and let her sob. I was not strong enough to tell her that a couple of my friends had to do this same thing for me just two days earlier, or that I cry on my way to and from work each and every day. I just responded with "I have to for him and I have to for Him. I have to because if my Dad doesn't think I'm strong enough to go on when he's gone, he will continue to fight Gods call. You know that God is calling him home. Right, Aunt Deb?" I can feel her nod against my shoulder. "That he will soon be with Granny, Papa, Bruce, Carlee and others. They are there waiting for him. Someday Dad will be waiting for us too." She managed to squeak out an "I know honey."
Knowing that she needed comfort and I so need to believe, I continued "Someday when God calls us home, Dad will be standing without help and able to run to us and embrace us. He will smell like Obsession cologne and he will have a neatly trimmed moustache rather than a crazy beard. His face and belly will not be swollen and he will not get angry when you encourage him to eat, he'll probably ask for more. He will not look toward the wall as if he's in another place because you will be there too. You know that too right?" She started to calm down a little bit and let go just a little of her squeeze. "I love you so much Laura Leigh, please call if I can help." At that moment, as I could feel the sting of the tears in my eyes, so eagerly trying to break free and I could see my inquisitive daughter watching my every move, I was able to stop the flood. Very Jean-like I told her, "Well, you can clean the bathroom before you go!"
We let go and I looked at my beautiful little girl, another part of me, another part of my daddy. She asked me "Why are you guys crying?" I was not ready to answer this question, I was not prepared for this part of the process. I replied "we're sad babe and it's alright to be sad sometimes." She was satisfied with this response and told me she's ready to read her chapter book, but her wheels are spinning.
I turned around to look at the rest of the audience. My Aunt Chris had also come over for a visit, probably her final visit too. Tears were streaming down her face. My mom was standing next to us with just a single tear to match the one that escaped down my too tired to wear make up face. Extreme sadness and grief brings you closer to your loved ones. Even though I do not think it was my Aunts right to ask hospice for a timeline, or some of the others things she did during her time here, I know that she only seeks peace for my dad.
My dad is in so much pain today. He has been up since 430am coughing and gasping for his breath. I had to pick him up to put him in his wheelchair. We got him out in the garage-I told him he can smoke in his room, but he wanted to be out there. He has been there since we wheeled him out at 7am, it's noon now. He is still coughing and gasping for air. His face is distorted in pain.
My sister-in-law called to ask what to do, is he going to die soon? I don't know, I'm not God is how I wanted to respond. Yet, my protective, motherly instincts kicked in and I told her that I think he'll be here waiting for them on Sunday when they return and I'll call with any changes. I don't want my brother to feel bad for going to his conference, but don't want him to miss my dad leaving this world if he wants to be there either.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4
Final Moments--but really it's only the beginning
"This is so hard to watch, how do you do this every day?" with tears streaming down her face, my Aunt Deb manages to blubber out. "How do you say goodbye, how are you so strong?" I continued to hold her and let her sob. I was not strong enough to tell her that a couple of my friends had to do this same thing for me just two days earlier, or that I cry on my way to and from work each and every day. I just responded with "I have to for him and I have to for Him. I have to because if my Dad doesn't think I'm strong enough to go on when he's gone, he will continue to fight Gods call. You know that God is calling him home. Right, Aunt Deb?" I can feel her nod against my shoulder. "That he will soon be with Granny, Papa, Bruce, Carlee and others. They are there waiting for him. Someday Dad will be waiting for us too." She managed to squeak out an "I know honey."
Knowing that she needed comfort and I so need to believe, I continued "Someday when God calls us home, Dad will be standing without help and able to run to us and embrace us. He will smell like Obsession cologne and he will have a neatly trimmed moustache rather than a crazy beard. His face and belly will not be swollen and he will not get angry when you encourage him to eat, he'll probably ask for more. He will not look toward the wall as if he's in another place because you will be there too. You know that too right?" She started to calm down a little bit and let go just a little of her squeeze. "I love you so much Laura Leigh, please call if I can help." At that moment, as I could feel the sting of the tears in my eyes, so eagerly trying to break free and I could see my inquisitive daughter watching my every move, I was able to stop the flood. Very Jean-like I told her, "Well, you can clean the bathroom before you go!"
We let go and I looked at my beautiful little girl, another part of me, another part of my daddy. She asked me "Why are you guys crying?" I was not ready to answer this question, I was not prepared for this part of the process. I replied "we're sad babe and it's alright to be sad sometimes." She was satisfied with this response and told me she's ready to read her chapter book, but her wheels are spinning.
I turned around to look at the rest of the audience. My Aunt Chris had also come over for a visit, probably her final visit too. Tears were streaming down her face. My mom was standing next to us with just a single tear to match the one that escaped down my too tired to wear make up face. Extreme sadness and grief brings you closer to your loved ones. Even though I do not think it was my Aunts right to ask hospice for a timeline, or some of the others things she did during her time here, I know that she only seeks peace for my dad.
My dad is in so much pain today. He has been up since 430am coughing and gasping for his breath. I had to pick him up to put him in his wheelchair. We got him out in the garage-I told him he can smoke in his room, but he wanted to be out there. He has been there since we wheeled him out at 7am, it's noon now. He is still coughing and gasping for air. His face is distorted in pain.
My sister-in-law called to ask what to do, is he going to die soon? I don't know, I'm not God is how I wanted to respond. Yet, my protective, motherly instincts kicked in and I told her that I think he'll be here waiting for them on Sunday when they return and I'll call with any changes. I don't want my brother to feel bad for going to his conference, but don't want him to miss my dad leaving this world if he wants to be there either.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4
Bible Thumping
Since my husband and many of my friends have started calling me a Bible thumper, I have decided to embrace the title:) Usually my blog is where I do my thumping and most of the people that follow are aware of this fact. Since usually people follow a blog because they like the reading material (some people are just nosey and like to know what I'm up to) I assume that most of my followers believe.
Due to this assumption I am asking for prayers for the Hammits. If you know them then you are probably aware of a little bit of their story, but even if you don't their dad is in the hospital and they need prayers. That's it, just prayers.
Due to this assumption I am asking for prayers for the Hammits. If you know them then you are probably aware of a little bit of their story, but even if you don't their dad is in the hospital and they need prayers. That's it, just prayers.
Jenni's Challenge Day 27
It's Friday...what are you doing
Working and then having some of the 99 crew (and monsters) over for pizza:) Carrie's in town and we all know I use any excuse possible to have a party!! Only took a couple pictures...I was slacking!
Working and then having some of the 99 crew (and monsters) over for pizza:) Carrie's in town and we all know I use any excuse possible to have a party!! Only took a couple pictures...I was slacking!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Jenni's Challenge Day 26
Day 26: Your favorite mistake
Lilly Ayers Strong
She's not a mistake because she's absolutely 100% perfect, but she was certainly not planned and we were certainly not prepared!
Lilly Ayers Strong
She's not a mistake because she's absolutely 100% perfect, but she was certainly not planned and we were certainly not prepared!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Jenni's Challenge Day 25
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
1. Bee Girl-Pearl Jam
2. Road to Nowhere-Talking Heads
3. When you Really Love Someone-Alicia Keys and Lellow
4. White Moon-White Stripes
5. Funeral-The Arcade Fire
6. Painter Song-Nora Jones
7. Daugther-PJ Live in Cleveland...ONE of my favs:)
8. Waitin' on a Sunny Day-Bruce Springsteen
9. I Walk the Line-Johnny Cash (Lilly loves Johnny Cash)
10. God's Dice-PJ
Aaron does load my ipod...and I RARELY put it on shuffle, but this was fun...the kids liked the songs it picked.
1. Bee Girl-Pearl Jam
2. Road to Nowhere-Talking Heads
3. When you Really Love Someone-Alicia Keys and Lellow
4. White Moon-White Stripes
5. Funeral-The Arcade Fire
6. Painter Song-Nora Jones
7. Daugther-PJ Live in Cleveland...ONE of my favs:)
8. Waitin' on a Sunny Day-Bruce Springsteen
9. I Walk the Line-Johnny Cash (Lilly loves Johnny Cash)
10. God's Dice-PJ
Aaron does load my ipod...and I RARELY put it on shuffle, but this was fun...the kids liked the songs it picked.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Jenni's Challenge Day 24
Something you've learned
When I did the lent Bible study, I took time to actually learn this scripture about treasures in heaven. Matthew 6:19-24
My favorite verse is the first:
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal."
I don't think it was a focus scripture in the lent book, but my attention was drawn to it because of one of the book club members. I can't remember if it was Nan or Wilma, both are women that I love more and more each and every time our paths cross, but I would be willing to bet that they both feel the same way about the scripture, so it really doesn't matter which one said it anyways! Whoever it was said that they hope that by the time they are called to be with God that they don't have any talents, any gifts, anything left of them to give. They want to be all "used up" and have already given themselves fully to God.
I was speechless. I wanted to read more about this passage. I had to know what they were talking about! Since then I have read this lesson on many occasions. Applied the lesson to multiple different problems at hand.
The position that I receive a paycheck from is as a paralegal at a law firm. More than half of my assignments deal with the administration of estates. When people pass away it is necessary to obtain an attorney to deal with the estate taxes, the probate process and all the forms that must be completed. This is why it is necessary to have an attorney, but sometimes the attorney turns into a referee!
Often the loved ones left here to mourn the deceased argue over money and property. Disputes over money and personal items of value seem to happen all to often if you ask me! Even down to the brooch Granny was wearing at a special occasion. Sometimes it takes everything inside of me not to scream "Hello!! You know that you can't take that thing with you when you go, right!?! The memory of Granny wearing that brooch, yep, you can take it with you, but the $7 brooch that you're fighting with your loved one about, NOPE, can't take it!" This kind of treasure we may see today, but when we get old and die we cannot take it with us.
I have never really been materialistic. I don't like to shop. I have never really felt like I need to keep up with my friends. I like to spend money on things that make me and those around me happy, don't get me wrong, but I understand that you can't take all of your "prize possessions" with you. I didn't ask for anything when my dad passed away and neither did my brother. My mom happily handed out my dads clothes to family members that would appreciate the gesture. She offered his watch to Jake and Aaron, but they knew they wouldn't wear it so they respectfully declined. Why? Because you can't take the worldly treasures with you. If you are focused on collecting money and worldly possessions that is where your heart will be, devoted to the wrong master.
I have since decided to be more conscious to send my treasures to heaven. Give of myself and my time more freely. This morning I stopped at Meijer to grocery shop for the office, you know COFFEE and other essentials. Whether I am grocery shopping for work or myself, I am on a mission...mission to get out of the store as quickly as possible! As I was throwing items from the shelf into my cart I noticed an elderly man struggling to get a few containers of laundry detergent into his riding cart. I could have easily passed by him and went on my way. I could have pretended that I didn't see him struggling. I could have thought to myself, someone else will pass by and help him.
BUT, this moment is the type of treasure that you can take with you to heaven! It took me 5 seconds to move a box and grab the detergent he was struggling to get into his cart. He looked up and smiled at me when he thanked me. I looked down the aisle beside me and Linda Kelly was smiling at me, too. Everyone went on with their day, but we all shared that one treasure. During those 5 seconds that I could have grabbed another item off the shelf, instead we all took the time to smile and greet each other as we passed. That time was spent focused on helping others and that is the type of treasure you get to bring with you. It didn't cost me ANYTHING! My muscles are sore today, but not from picking up his detergent;)
To me this scripture implies that what we value the most is where your heart is. Think about it. Are your thoughts on worldly possessions or on God?
I am thankful to the lent book group for bringing this passage to my attention. Now when I am debating the solution to a problem I often ask myself, where is your heart focused? Is the focus on earth or heaven? I want my treasures sent to heaven because 24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
Maybe you could send your treasures stored in a balloon!! This picture is from a balloon launch in 2010 in memory of Mary Ann Kirkby.
When I did the lent Bible study, I took time to actually learn this scripture about treasures in heaven. Matthew 6:19-24
My favorite verse is the first:
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal."
I don't think it was a focus scripture in the lent book, but my attention was drawn to it because of one of the book club members. I can't remember if it was Nan or Wilma, both are women that I love more and more each and every time our paths cross, but I would be willing to bet that they both feel the same way about the scripture, so it really doesn't matter which one said it anyways! Whoever it was said that they hope that by the time they are called to be with God that they don't have any talents, any gifts, anything left of them to give. They want to be all "used up" and have already given themselves fully to God.
I was speechless. I wanted to read more about this passage. I had to know what they were talking about! Since then I have read this lesson on many occasions. Applied the lesson to multiple different problems at hand.
The position that I receive a paycheck from is as a paralegal at a law firm. More than half of my assignments deal with the administration of estates. When people pass away it is necessary to obtain an attorney to deal with the estate taxes, the probate process and all the forms that must be completed. This is why it is necessary to have an attorney, but sometimes the attorney turns into a referee!
Often the loved ones left here to mourn the deceased argue over money and property. Disputes over money and personal items of value seem to happen all to often if you ask me! Even down to the brooch Granny was wearing at a special occasion. Sometimes it takes everything inside of me not to scream "Hello!! You know that you can't take that thing with you when you go, right!?! The memory of Granny wearing that brooch, yep, you can take it with you, but the $7 brooch that you're fighting with your loved one about, NOPE, can't take it!" This kind of treasure we may see today, but when we get old and die we cannot take it with us.
I have never really been materialistic. I don't like to shop. I have never really felt like I need to keep up with my friends. I like to spend money on things that make me and those around me happy, don't get me wrong, but I understand that you can't take all of your "prize possessions" with you. I didn't ask for anything when my dad passed away and neither did my brother. My mom happily handed out my dads clothes to family members that would appreciate the gesture. She offered his watch to Jake and Aaron, but they knew they wouldn't wear it so they respectfully declined. Why? Because you can't take the worldly treasures with you. If you are focused on collecting money and worldly possessions that is where your heart will be, devoted to the wrong master.
I have since decided to be more conscious to send my treasures to heaven. Give of myself and my time more freely. This morning I stopped at Meijer to grocery shop for the office, you know COFFEE and other essentials. Whether I am grocery shopping for work or myself, I am on a mission...mission to get out of the store as quickly as possible! As I was throwing items from the shelf into my cart I noticed an elderly man struggling to get a few containers of laundry detergent into his riding cart. I could have easily passed by him and went on my way. I could have pretended that I didn't see him struggling. I could have thought to myself, someone else will pass by and help him.
BUT, this moment is the type of treasure that you can take with you to heaven! It took me 5 seconds to move a box and grab the detergent he was struggling to get into his cart. He looked up and smiled at me when he thanked me. I looked down the aisle beside me and Linda Kelly was smiling at me, too. Everyone went on with their day, but we all shared that one treasure. During those 5 seconds that I could have grabbed another item off the shelf, instead we all took the time to smile and greet each other as we passed. That time was spent focused on helping others and that is the type of treasure you get to bring with you. It didn't cost me ANYTHING! My muscles are sore today, but not from picking up his detergent;)
To me this scripture implies that what we value the most is where your heart is. Think about it. Are your thoughts on worldly possessions or on God?
I am thankful to the lent book group for bringing this passage to my attention. Now when I am debating the solution to a problem I often ask myself, where is your heart focused? Is the focus on earth or heaven? I want my treasures sent to heaven because 24 “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money."
Maybe you could send your treasures stored in a balloon!! This picture is from a balloon launch in 2010 in memory of Mary Ann Kirkby.
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