Unsure, Insecure, Uncertain

 So, I read this quote on Pinterest:

"Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner's flaws."

BEEP BEEP BEEP: We interrupt this blog post for a very important (emoji) lesson!!!

 And I made this face:   

**A lot of people misuse this emoji.  This emoji is when you're thinking, "Oh crap" or something bad happens in real life you look like this (Yes, Monigo, I still wear your pretty handmade scarf:)):

Anyways, I've been wanting to clear up the meaning of this emoji for a while, but that's not the point of this post, so here is the definition on emojipedia. Did you know they had an emojipedia!?!?!: http://emojipedia.org/grimacing-face/

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 Back to the post, I started thinking about life.  Friendships, relationships, parenting (oh no, parenting!!) and how I don't want to push my insecurities on my monsters, Ron or my friends...BUT totally do!!  

When I'm feeling insecure, unsure, or uncertain, my first instinct is to push back against those feelings in the form of sarcasm, defense, or trying to justify my feelings in some way/shape/form.  I'm TRYING to retrain my brain to be honest with my husband and friends instead. 

Side Story:

 Instead of communication tonight when I pulled in the driveway to monsters full of MUD, I was instantly FURIOUS and resorted to cold, spiteful, berating wife.  You know, speaking in sentences with the least amount of words possible combined with an uncaring tone, welcoming an argument?  (I'm really good at this.  I've had years of practice!)

Well, Aaron's dealt with my antics long enough that he combats them with slamming the door and giving me a few minutes (HOURS) to cool off before he returns. 

When he returned, I had worked out, cleaned the disaster known as our children, written part of this rambling and cooled off.  I told him I was frustrated instantly because I knew I was going to have to take care of the mess he allowed the children to find. 

"Laura, I had planned to give them a bath!"

In my head though there was NO WAY that was his intention, he was just making more work for me. 

_______________________

SQUIRREL!!

 _______________________

Back to the quote, I feel like it is SO.MUCH.HARDER. to face insecurities with truth and vulnerability.  It is so much easier to twist them into someone else's flaw(s) or bad trait(s)!!

I mean, it can't possible be MY fault that this/that/another thing happened, RIGHT!?!?!? ;)

Work in progress:  Working on facing my insecurities, unsure feelers, and uncertain circumstances head on. 

Join me?


XOXO,

FUCANCEROFALLCOLORS!

Faith Journal Part 2

The two words we (the youth group got to pick the words this time) picked to find verses that are meaningful to them are HAPPY and ANGRY.

I asked the youth to look up at least one verse that has/will help them get through a period of their life when they are feeling Happy and one that they enjoy reading when they are feeling angry.  When we meet again, we will discuss the scriptures that we selected and add to our own faith journal.

{In an attempt to make the youth understand that I truly care about them, I have attended a girls soccer game and a volleyball game (hoping to get a boys soccer game next week). I think visibility is important when you're at the difficult high school age and hopefully they will recognize that I'm there for their fun events and be more willing to share their not so fun events with me;)}

Back to the faith journals!!

I have been working on HAPPY and ANGRY a little bit, but started another part of my journal.  I'm calling it "Prayer is the Pipeline to God"!  I split my journal into three parts and this will be my 2nd part. 

In this section, I plan to write stories/scripture/quotes that make me realize I am HIS pipeline.  YOU are too!  (Pipeline is Nan's word, so it's only natural that the first pipeline entry is relating to her)

 

My dearest Nan,

I hope you understand how much I love you.  Just thinking about you brings a smile to my face.  On many of my bad days you have showed up, in His time, just in time to save me from my despair.

Since you requested us to pay it forward rather than buying you a gift, I have completed your request.  I know you don’t know much about FB, but this is what I posted:

“Oh, Oh, Oh, Almost forgot!! Nan requested to pay it forward instead of buying her a gift...Remember, she's what I want to be when I grow up!! 

So, anyways, I thought about what I wanted to do to pay it forward. I want to surprise a few people that need a pick me up. The first 3 people that send me a private message that includes a little bit of why a FRIEND OF YOURS (Can't request for yourself...sorry, that's the only rule) needs a pick me up will get a surprise from me...if I don't know your friend, include an address to send it to!”

Well, this is what came of it since I know how you love to see how He works, how He uses us a pipeline, how if we focus on Him each one of us can make a huge difference in this crazy world.

The first request came from my preschool teachrt.  Her request was simple, but SO full of emotion. She said that her brother, misses my dad more than I will ever know. So, in your birthday honor, I'm going to make a pillow out of one of my dad's old tshirts:) The kids are all about sewing lately...we might enjoy it more than her brother! :) Thanks for the inspiration...tears of remembrance and so much love!!

            The next request came from an aunt.

I saw your post about a pay it forward in honor of  Nan. The person that I think could use a pick me up would be my nephew's wife. Early in their pregnancy they found out that the baby boy they were carrying has complications with his chromosomes. They made the choice to continue the pregnancy even knowing the outcome would be he would not survive. He was born on August 1 & died 57 minutes later. She got her wish to hold him in her arms and show him her unending love. She has continued to pump milk even after his death to help other mothers and babies in need. She is having a hard time and is still very full of emotions and is now preparing to go back to work soon. 

They named him Bentley Robert.

I was there when he was born and the hospital had an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take photos and they also had a close friend of theirs who sat quietly in the corner and took photos that are so full of love and emotion. It still breaks my heart and makes me realize how lucky I am to have the two healthy monsters that I do.

Nan, in honor of your birthday, I ordered a bracelet with "Mother to an Angel Bentley Robert 8-1-14" inscribed on the inside and plan to send the Mommy a card that we are praying for her and her sweet little family.

The final requests came from Petunia:

Sunshine could use a pick me up. She has worked extra this week & is dealing with health issues dad has. Rainbow was in the hospital this week;)

For Sunshine, I invited her over to pizza with a couple other friends tonight.  I think she probably could use some girl time the most.  I plan to make some cookies and drop them off to Rainbow this weekend along with a cute note;) EDIT: MORE ON THIS PIPELINE STORY LATER.

All of this simply because I love you and hope you have the best year yet. 

Happy Belated Birthday, Nan!!  I hope I grow up to be half as amazing as you are!!

Love, Laura

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I truly believe if we are still and quiet, we can be used as a pipeline.  Prayer is the Pipeline to God.

I will not share all of my pipelines here on the blog, but thought this would give you a good idea of what I was thinking...

Also, I have not completed the pillow and have not sent the bracelet yet, so please don't post this to facebook. Just for the faith journal followers!

All my love,

What is Your Favorite Direction?

I am married to someone who has an invisible compass on the end of his nose. He will say to me, kiddingly (because he knows I struggle with N, E, S & W) “remember that house on Perry Street, you know the one, it sits north east to the red house on the west end of the south of the blue house?” I usually end up saying, “you mean catty corner? Is it catty corner from the water plant? Is it a pretty green house with white trim? Red door? You know, across from the empty lot?” Directions for him come so very easy.

I love the fact that directions are also used when it comes to theatre. Nothing more rewarding when one of my theatre kiddos realizes that there is a difference between stage left, stage right, upstage, down stage and of course backstage. They are most familiar with backstage because of course, that’s where most of their hilarity ensues while the director is not looking.

Cooking directions? For the most part, I am good with those. Other than the occasional old recipe that I may come across (thanks Grandma!) that tells me to put in a “handful of this, or a pinch of that” which of course makes me think, “I have small hands. Do I put in more? Or do I just do the handful?” 

Taking direction is a whole other subject. Supervisors tell us what needs to be completed for a job; parents give us a set of rules and regulations to follow in hopes that we will learn something about discipline and as well as becoming responsible adults. We have to abide by law or pay the penalty. Coaches, teachers, policemen, anyone in charge are people we have to listen to and take direction and hopefully, take it well. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. When I don’t, my mouth is usually the first thing that gets me into some type of hot water.

So..do you have a favorite direction? I never did until this past weekend. And honestly? It is something that I really never even thought about.

My soon to be five-year-old granddaughter Lucy had the following conversation with her mother late last week: “Mom, what is your favorite direction?”

Courtney, my daughter, said the question caught her off guard and she answered, “I don’t know.” But knowing that Lucy had something to say about this subject she asked, “Lucy, what is your favorite direction?”

Lucy answered, quite simply, “Left.”

Courtney then asked her why left was her favorite direction and she said, as only a four year old can say, “Because when we drive to Woodville, we turn left onto the big road (Route 20) then we turn left onto the next road (Lime Road), then we turn left again (First Street) and then we turn left one more time, into Mimi’s driveway.”

Lucy’s favorite direction is left because it brings her directly to my house.

I’ve given that sweet sentiment so much thought over the past few days. First, I am amazed that she counts the left turns and realizes where she is going. Second, I cannot describe the love that is in that statement and how it makes me feel. Knowing that she delights in those left turns because it brings her to my back porch, into my house, onto my lap gives me the greatest joy known to any grandparent. And third, it has given me a whole new insight to my favorite direction.

Up.

I love the feeling your belly gets when you fly up into the sky on a swing.

There is nothing like getting up out of your seat to scream like a teenager (when you are closer to 56) when you see your favorite Beatle looking at you in the eye, pointing at you and giving you a grin. (Love you, Ringo).

Up is how I feel when I spend time with girlfriends. No matter what is going on in my life or theirs, getting together for some laughter (which we do, in droves) is something I cherish, and most importantly, crave.

Up is the direction I head each night with my little dog, she runs ahead of me, waiting at the top of the stairs and then jumps up into my lap when I sit down just waiting for me to smoosh her face with kisses (don’t judge).

Grabbing onto my husband’s hand as he pulls me up out of reclining position on the ground or in a chair makes me happy to know that he is able to not only pull me up, but wants to pull me up and then into an embrace.

I have tall, strong, son-in-laws who are both upbeat and happy men. I love looking up at their faces as they gaze back at their wives, the love evident on their faces.

Up is where I lifted my own babies when they were little, arms outreaching, smiling, asking only as my Molly could ask,”Uppy –do, Mommy, uppy-do.” (we still laugh about her saying those words to me).

My Grandma used to tell her grandchildren “I will let you sit on my lap until your feet touch the ground.” And when our feet touched the ground, she would lift up our legs and tuck them under her arm so that they only touched her and she could hold us that much longer. I’ve said the same to my own to little loves, Lucy and AJ. This Mimi loves lifting them up, putting them up on my lap after they have woken up from a nap.

Up is where we look when we need guidance, or reassurance…to our parents, our teachers, our bosses and most importantly, to our Father. Sometimes I search that sky, seeking out the clouds, trying to make faces or shapes out of them and realize that the vastness up there is over powering and beautiful. And I pray that those that have gone before me are also seeing my upturned face and loving me right back.

I thank Lucy, my sweet girl who has the wisdom of an old lady for giving me a head’s up that we all need direction now and again.

Yup..it’s up.

It will always be up.

What’s your favorite direction?

Lovingly written by Marcia  Busdeker

There's No Place Like Home

 The Ville, The Village, Hooterville, Woodpile, The Dirty Wood, The Cop Shop, The Speed Trap, Hoodville, Weirdville, The Town NOT to be Mistaken for Gibsontucky, The Twilight Zone, Whoville, Whatville, The Dirty, Wildville, The "Other" Woodville (not the Woodville Mall), Skullyville, Woodtucky, The Bubble, The Lime Capital of the World

Whatever you want to call it, to many of us, it's HOME.  I asked Chel for a Quincy update and during our text conversation she wrote: "I sure love Woodville and wouldn't leave it for anything!! (Except MAYBE Elmore;))"

Even if you aren't from Woodville, you can relate to the feeling of HOME.  Even after the most wonderful vacation, it is an amazing feeling when you crawl into your own bed.   

Quincy is back in her own bed!  Her sleep schedule is a bit off because of the surgery/hospital stay, but she looks pretty cozy and peaceful if you ask me! :)

 

 Everyone in the family is starting to get back to their regular routine.  Dada went back to work on Wednesday.  His place of employment has been supportive and understanding throughout the testing, delay and surgery process. The girls are so very happy to have their whole family under one roof.  Quincy is still taking Tylenol a few times a day, but happy, trying to crawl, and just as sweet as ever!!

Look at all the little mothers with their baby:)

The meals have been delish and the girls are loving the extra special attention and love. Everyone is so nice and generous...

There's no place like home!!

 Continued prayers for Q and Bauders for continued recovery!

Prayers for my warrior sister, Jacki who got her new foobs yesterday:)

Continued prayers for Erica.  I know you guys have been praying for her since I asked last week.  Her appointment did not go as well as hoped.  She has a spot of concern that the doctors are being aggressive with IN CASE it's growing.  It very possibly could be radiation effect.  Either way, please continue to pray for her.  That her new treatment is tolerable and is able to get that concerning spot under control.

Lots of prayers for Tara Young...for her discharge from the hospital, for peace of mind after missing most of the trip she took so long to plan, and complete healing so we can drown out the sorrows of the rotten vacation in wine when her family returns from Florida. 

XoXo,
 

Mean Girl for Life?

When I was younger, admittedly, I was a mean girl.  I've never watched the "Mean Girls" show, but I don't need to. I can remember joining in the mean girl talk and even when I didn't join in, I was silent and didn't stick up for the person being picked on. I only remember one incident that I was caught being a mean girl, but there were many others where I just didn't get caught.

Now that I have daughters that I'm trying to raise into kind and caring young ladies, I'm wondering IF you can grow out of being a mean girl? And if you can't, can you teach your daughters how to be different?

The other night one of my daughter's friends was visibly upset.  I approached her and told her not to worry about it.  She said, "But, Cruella said it was all my fault".  I'm thinking my response was probably still a response a mean girl would give: "Don't worry about Cruella, she makes mistakes all the time!"

My next line was that it is a team sport and it takes the entire team to win AND lose.  It wasn't her mistake that lost the game, but the mistakes by EVERYONE on the team.  **A MUCH more effective way to boost Sunshine back up without singling out Cruella**

But, my first instinct was to attack Cruella.  Defense and deflection do not help the problem at hand and really they only fuel future animosity.

Another protection mechanism I fully utilize is sarcasm.  Although I think it's AWESOME when Lilly uses sarcasm properly, it's probably a life skill that is NOT necessary if I'm trying to raise well rounded, anti-bullying children.

Maintaining many life-long relationships where sarcasm, deflection, and defense are still very much alive, I do think it's possible to have good relationships with these protective mechanisms in place.  Most of my very closest relationships are the ones where these descriptive words ring the most true to me.  But, wouldn't it be better if we didn't have to use them?

Sarcasm is second nature to me.  Even though I have been working on being the best form of me, I ALWAYS return to sarcasm when I am feeling wounded or broken. Over the years, many people have asked me: Are you being serious or sarcastic??   Sometimes there is a fine line between joking and down right mean.

What do you think? Mean girl for life?  Can you break the mold?

This, right here, is my best mean girl face!! ;)

XOXO,

Laura

Over the Hospital, Over-Correction and Over the Moon: Quincy Update

Quincy is telling her doctors that she is OVER the hospital.  They removed the drainage tube this morning without any complications.  She is eating, sleeping, AND SMILING!! She still has one IV in her tootsie, but it's a "just in case" type thing at this point.

 

She will be released SOON...everyone is hoping for tomorrow (Monday September 22nd:))  They told the Bauders to anticipate a 5-7 day stay.  Q did great and is hoping she landed herself an early release on the first day possible!!

 

In an attempt to prevent explaining why one eye still appears a little higher/bulge a bit, I'm going to attempt to explain the overcorrection.  Since Quincy's plate on the top left side of her skull was fused together, it caused depression on the left side of her sweet little face.  This was most noticeable in her eyes since one side seemed to bulge out a little bit. When the plastic surgeons were operating, they purposely over corrected in anticipation of the ONCE DEPRESSED (YAY FOR ROOM IN HER SKULL TO LEARN AND GROW) side not growing at the same rate as the non-effected side.  In Quincy's case, the left side was depressed and the right side will continue to grow normally. 

 

Now, it is almost MORE noticeable than it was before the surgery.  This is done purposely to allow for things to even out naturally as Quincy continues to grow.  But, her forehead and eyebrow line looks GREAT!!! The rest if her will catch up:)

 

Although, I understand Chelle's concern and desire for others to understand, I'm positive that all of you that have been following will agree with me: QUINCY IS BEAUTIFUL.   Both before and after the surgery she is just perfect!!

In the arms of her Daddy:

 

And in the tender embrace of her Mommy:

 

She is more beautiful than words can express.

 

The Bauders are still HOPING to be released tomorrow, but the doctors will make their decision during rounds tomorrow morning.  Even if they have to stay another day, they are OVER THE MOON that the surgery is over.  OVER THE MOON that they are able to hold their sweet baby girl again.  They are over the moon to see the other three daughters that have been missing their Mommy, Daddy and baby sister this week.

 

I know they are over the moon full of gratitude for the prayers, meals to come, surprises to be delivered.  I know that this has been a rollercoaster of a week for ALL of the Bauders and Andrew family members.  When they do come home, please be respectful of their wishes.  Text/Call if you want to visit and if they say, "not yet"  or "can you wait?", don't be offended. They have a lot on their plate right now!! They know everyone wants to hug and squeeze them ASAP and they can't wait to feel the love we've all been sending!! 

Praying for continued sunshine and smiles! 

Extra prayers tonight and Monday for Erica (Jacobs) Guess. She has a big appointment at the James Center. MRI to make sure her brain isn't growing;) Met her sweet momma this weekend and they all need to feel some of the love too!! Appointments are so stressful and anxiety filled. Pray, pray, pray!!

All my love,