4 Years and I Still Smell Your Cologne

Cologne, when worn by a person forever, becomes their scent.  My dad wore Obsession by Calvin Klein.  I still have a bottle in my medicine cabinet.  I don't need to open the lid to smell it though, I just have to close my eyes and concentrate.

Concentrate on times that he was SO mad at me. When you're mad, you perspire and it makes your cologne stronger:)

Concentrate on times, even as an adult, that he would tell me to climb on the chair to sit with him.

Concentrate on times, that make me anxiously wait for my kids to break a window so that I can make them paint a picnic table TOGETHER as punishment.

Daily and I don't need to concentrate on times that Keegan looks at me and tells me "no". Or gives this crooked grin daring me to TRY to make him listen and I roll my eyes into the sky because I know my dad is LOVING this payback.

Or times like last night when I sent some of my family the recording of me singing (attached) to my dad on the way home from work last night and Heid responds with this:

"I was looking at the sky tonight and the clouds were cracked open letting beautiful Rays of sunshine pour through.  I always get the feeling that it's a sneak peak of heaven bursting out.  Now I'm pretty confident that was for that beautiful song you were singing to your daddy.  Thanks so much for sharing it.  My heart needed that too.  Oh to see those long knobby knees saunter up and kiss you leaving his good smelling cologne behind.  Just one more time. Or maybe one hundred.  To hear his voice bursting with pride... for all of your strength... Accomplishments....and to see him love on and brag on all those babies...I love you all... And am sending extra love up to heaven tonight for you Uncle Markie!!!!"

http://youtu.be/rOWM94Qb63c

*I was driving and singing, so ignore the car noises!* And thanks for the back-up, Sarah McLachlan;)

ALWAYS on times when I need to call you.  When I'm scared or happy, confident or humble, alone by myself or alone in a crowd of people.

We all miss you dearly.


 Daddy's Girl,

Pearl is the new Pink!

Friday morning I walked my monsters to school.  I walk them to school nearly every Friday.  This particular Friday I didn't stay and help in any of the classrooms because I had a lunch date.  A lunch date with a friend that needed some love and support.  She was preparing her heart for difficult conversations.

So, I left my little monsters in their classrooms and I started my walk home.  When I reached the traffic light, I noticed one of Camille's friends running with her brother.  Her sweet, big, blue eyes were fighting the tears. A few drops had already slipped over the edge before I scooped her into my arms.

We ironed out that the young siblings were rushing to get to school on time.  I asked her big brother to run ahead so he wasn't late (and so that he'd stop pressuring her to run;)).

 I held hands with this beautiful white-blonde little girl as we walked to her classroom.  I tried to take the focus away from any thoughts of the heaviness that I'm positive she was feeling at home or the rushed feeling she was sensing from her brother.  We talked about her stylish teacher, some of the crazy kids in her class, and the tears started to dry up.

When we reached her classroom, I cuddled her into my arms and winked at my own little monster.  I'm sure Camille was thinking: I wonder what my Mommy is doing back at school again?  I'm also betting she could sense from my wink that her sweet little friend could use a little extra loving to get her through the day.

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Little did this precious girl know that I've been praying for her and her family nonstop since I heard about the diagnosis.  The lunch date that I was preparing for was with her Mommy.

Her Mommy recently learned that she has lung cancer. 

(DID YOU KNOW LUNG CANCER COLOR IS PEARL!?!?!  PLEASE ADD SOME PEARLS TO YOUR PINK!!)

She's been in and out of the hospital during this time of uncertainty.  From experience, I can tell you that this is a VERY difficult time for the family.  You're trying to shelter your young children from the nightmare playing on repeat inside your head, but you can't quite reach the pause button long enough to focus on anything else.

 Anyways, I went and grabbed lunch and headed over to visit with her Mommy.  Her Mommy, that I have called a friend for nearly 10 years (mostly because she's stubborn, blunt and  opinionated and I don't know ANYONE like that;)) had her game face on.

I knew Mommy was planning to tell this blue eyed 6 year old girl, her big brother (4th grade) and her older sister (freshman in college) when they all returned home from school.  I was there to offer a little last minute support as Heidi prepared for the MOST.AWFUL.HORRIBLE.NOTFAIR.SHITTY. conversation you can ever imagine with her beautiful children.  

So, last week when I said my heart physically hurt, it was because it's filled with heartbreak for the Holub family. Heidi, Brian, Lexy, Robbie and Abbey could use some prayers right now as Heidi prepares to fight for her life.

Wear your pearls and pray.  Once treatment starts, Heidi has promised to let her friends know what can be done to help ease this burden and I'll share whatever they come up with to help.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

All my love, support and HOPE,

Unsure, Insecure, Uncertain

 So, I read this quote on Pinterest:

"Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner's flaws."

BEEP BEEP BEEP: We interrupt this blog post for a very important (emoji) lesson!!!

 And I made this face:   

**A lot of people misuse this emoji.  This emoji is when you're thinking, "Oh crap" or something bad happens in real life you look like this (Yes, Monigo, I still wear your pretty handmade scarf:)):

Anyways, I've been wanting to clear up the meaning of this emoji for a while, but that's not the point of this post, so here is the definition on emojipedia. Did you know they had an emojipedia!?!?!: http://emojipedia.org/grimacing-face/

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 Back to the post, I started thinking about life.  Friendships, relationships, parenting (oh no, parenting!!) and how I don't want to push my insecurities on my monsters, Ron or my friends...BUT totally do!!  

When I'm feeling insecure, unsure, or uncertain, my first instinct is to push back against those feelings in the form of sarcasm, defense, or trying to justify my feelings in some way/shape/form.  I'm TRYING to retrain my brain to be honest with my husband and friends instead. 

Side Story:

 Instead of communication tonight when I pulled in the driveway to monsters full of MUD, I was instantly FURIOUS and resorted to cold, spiteful, berating wife.  You know, speaking in sentences with the least amount of words possible combined with an uncaring tone, welcoming an argument?  (I'm really good at this.  I've had years of practice!)

Well, Aaron's dealt with my antics long enough that he combats them with slamming the door and giving me a few minutes (HOURS) to cool off before he returns. 

When he returned, I had worked out, cleaned the disaster known as our children, written part of this rambling and cooled off.  I told him I was frustrated instantly because I knew I was going to have to take care of the mess he allowed the children to find. 

"Laura, I had planned to give them a bath!"

In my head though there was NO WAY that was his intention, he was just making more work for me. 

_______________________

SQUIRREL!!

 _______________________

Back to the quote, I feel like it is SO.MUCH.HARDER. to face insecurities with truth and vulnerability.  It is so much easier to twist them into someone else's flaw(s) or bad trait(s)!!

I mean, it can't possible be MY fault that this/that/another thing happened, RIGHT!?!?!? ;)

Work in progress:  Working on facing my insecurities, unsure feelers, and uncertain circumstances head on. 

Join me?


XOXO,

FUCANCEROFALLCOLORS!

Faith Journal Part 2

The two words we (the youth group got to pick the words this time) picked to find verses that are meaningful to them are HAPPY and ANGRY.

I asked the youth to look up at least one verse that has/will help them get through a period of their life when they are feeling Happy and one that they enjoy reading when they are feeling angry.  When we meet again, we will discuss the scriptures that we selected and add to our own faith journal.

{In an attempt to make the youth understand that I truly care about them, I have attended a girls soccer game and a volleyball game (hoping to get a boys soccer game next week). I think visibility is important when you're at the difficult high school age and hopefully they will recognize that I'm there for their fun events and be more willing to share their not so fun events with me;)}

Back to the faith journals!!

I have been working on HAPPY and ANGRY a little bit, but started another part of my journal.  I'm calling it "Prayer is the Pipeline to God"!  I split my journal into three parts and this will be my 2nd part. 

In this section, I plan to write stories/scripture/quotes that make me realize I am HIS pipeline.  YOU are too!  (Pipeline is Nan's word, so it's only natural that the first pipeline entry is relating to her)

 

My dearest Nan,

I hope you understand how much I love you.  Just thinking about you brings a smile to my face.  On many of my bad days you have showed up, in His time, just in time to save me from my despair.

Since you requested us to pay it forward rather than buying you a gift, I have completed your request.  I know you don’t know much about FB, but this is what I posted:

“Oh, Oh, Oh, Almost forgot!! Nan requested to pay it forward instead of buying her a gift...Remember, she's what I want to be when I grow up!! 

So, anyways, I thought about what I wanted to do to pay it forward. I want to surprise a few people that need a pick me up. The first 3 people that send me a private message that includes a little bit of why a FRIEND OF YOURS (Can't request for yourself...sorry, that's the only rule) needs a pick me up will get a surprise from me...if I don't know your friend, include an address to send it to!”

Well, this is what came of it since I know how you love to see how He works, how He uses us a pipeline, how if we focus on Him each one of us can make a huge difference in this crazy world.

The first request came from my preschool teachrt.  Her request was simple, but SO full of emotion. She said that her brother, misses my dad more than I will ever know. So, in your birthday honor, I'm going to make a pillow out of one of my dad's old tshirts:) The kids are all about sewing lately...we might enjoy it more than her brother! :) Thanks for the inspiration...tears of remembrance and so much love!!

            The next request came from an aunt.

I saw your post about a pay it forward in honor of  Nan. The person that I think could use a pick me up would be my nephew's wife. Early in their pregnancy they found out that the baby boy they were carrying has complications with his chromosomes. They made the choice to continue the pregnancy even knowing the outcome would be he would not survive. He was born on August 1 & died 57 minutes later. She got her wish to hold him in her arms and show him her unending love. She has continued to pump milk even after his death to help other mothers and babies in need. She is having a hard time and is still very full of emotions and is now preparing to go back to work soon. 

They named him Bentley Robert.

I was there when he was born and the hospital had an organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and take photos and they also had a close friend of theirs who sat quietly in the corner and took photos that are so full of love and emotion. It still breaks my heart and makes me realize how lucky I am to have the two healthy monsters that I do.

Nan, in honor of your birthday, I ordered a bracelet with "Mother to an Angel Bentley Robert 8-1-14" inscribed on the inside and plan to send the Mommy a card that we are praying for her and her sweet little family.

The final requests came from Petunia:

Sunshine could use a pick me up. She has worked extra this week & is dealing with health issues dad has. Rainbow was in the hospital this week;)

For Sunshine, I invited her over to pizza with a couple other friends tonight.  I think she probably could use some girl time the most.  I plan to make some cookies and drop them off to Rainbow this weekend along with a cute note;) EDIT: MORE ON THIS PIPELINE STORY LATER.

All of this simply because I love you and hope you have the best year yet. 

Happy Belated Birthday, Nan!!  I hope I grow up to be half as amazing as you are!!

Love, Laura

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I truly believe if we are still and quiet, we can be used as a pipeline.  Prayer is the Pipeline to God.

I will not share all of my pipelines here on the blog, but thought this would give you a good idea of what I was thinking...

Also, I have not completed the pillow and have not sent the bracelet yet, so please don't post this to facebook. Just for the faith journal followers!

All my love,