So Much Better to Give Than to Receive

At Bible study a couple months ago we were talking about my journey with cancer.  One of my friends said that she just knew it in her heart that there was a reason that this was part of my journey.  I told her to shut up! This journey sucks, this plan sucks and nobody is benefiting from this torture!  I certainly was not benefiting from the side effects, the hair loss, the aches and pains.  I don't think my kids would have picked to have a Mom that missed games, couldn't push them on the swings, or didn't have the energy to go swimming all last summer. I'm certain that my husband would prefer my small real boobies over the big, perky foobs and wishes he would not have been forced to be the optimistic half of our pair when he's accustomed to being the Eeyore half of our pair.

I still don't really care for the aches and pains that I have daily or the headache that doesn't ever seem to completely go away.  I don't particularly care for the weight that I gained or the tightness of my clothes.  Hot flashes are not my favorite thing in the world and night sweats cause a lot of additional laundry. The physical scars honestly don't bother me at all anymore, but the emotional scars and the roller coaster of "what if" I could certainly live without.  (What if there were microscopic "c" cells floating around in other lymph nodes? What if it comes back in my bones or worse my brain? What if I have to look at my loved ones and tell them this news?)

But, then I took a few weeks away from social networking so that I could survive the brutal schedule of three monsters in multiple activities.  During that break I received a forward from the parents of this beautiful girl pictured below from a surrounding community that read: "I still can't thank you enough.  Between the head wraps (Rhi also contributed to this smile greatly) and the wigs, you've helped give her this smile back."

Remember how I wanted to burn my wig? How I was convinced that I simply flushed a big chunk of change down the toilet since I didn't wear it!?!

LOOK AT HER!! HOW BEAUTIFUL AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT THIS BEAUTY IS IN THIS.  I NEVER would have guessed it was a wig, let alone the one that sat on my night stand for 10 months!!  Hair loss is so difficult and to know that this wig made it a little less painful for this young girl makes the money seem like nothing!!  Knowing what I know now; knowing that it would bring her such joy, I would have spent twice as much.

Psalms 34:18 - "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit."

The very next day, I received a comment on my blog that read:  "Laura, I was the recipient of your beautiful gift at Taussig yesterday during my first chemo treatment. I love the book, the and the quilt with all the scripture on it was answer to prayer. I also have a blog that started back with my youngest daughter's diagnosis 3 years ago www.jascawleyfamily.blogspot.com. Thank you so much for passing your inspiration along!"

I have read her recent blog posts and I couldn't have picked a better person to receive the survivor gift I asked my oncologist to pass along!! Please pray for Sarah as she continues to fight!!

 1 Chronicles 16:11 Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

This weekend, we enjoyed the beautiful weather with friends and family, we remembered and honored, we laughed and cried, we lived.

This morning I texted with a fellow survivor and spoke candidly about life AFTER cancer.  Struggles that most people don't realize, most certainly don't talk about and can't be blogged about.  When she admitted that it made her giggle and HOPEFULLY empowered her a little, I realized once again: It's so much better to give than to receive.

And maybe my friend was right (don't ask me to admit it ever again, Kelly:P),  but cancer probably was part of my journey for a reason.

 I have a lot more to give now.  More love, more time (I'm continuing to work less hours!! :)), more patience, more life experience, MORE HOPE.

Give often, give freely.   It's good for the soul.

Love and hope,

Relay for Life

June 13th, 2014 is the Relay for Life.

Most of this post is a re-post from the last couple years. Bold print is used for the 2014 additions.
Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time.  More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered.  I advocate for and proudly wear my badge on the list of fighters.  Yet, thinking of the walk brings all of the same emotions back.

My biggest fear is now reality.   http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html

Relay Day:

It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.

It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!

It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 11 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.

It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened.   A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight. 

It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment.  That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family.  Always kept his faith in our Lord above.  Who we laid to rest last year and celebrated his life.

It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.  It is a reminder that they too can beat this disease and to never give up hope. {Cheri Miller}

A reminder of a couple new friends that are so very strong, supportive and loving that I wouldn't have in my life without this stupid disease.  I am proud to call them my friends and even more proud of the way they are fighting.  I hope they know that I pray for them daily. Angie and Christy, keep kicking ass.

A reminder that I have bonds with my cousin and aunt that go beyond the regular family bond and into sisterhood.  I am so thankful for their constant love, advice and support.  I am so proud of how my aunt has endured her surgeries and treatment with an attitude of gratitude rather than bitterness.

It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.

It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.

It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, Melissa's Mom so many, too many.

As I zoomed by my one year mark, it is a constant reminder of the roller coaster ride that I will never step off of.  The anxiety when my body aches or as an appointment approaches is something I never anticipated.

But is also a reminder of HOPE.

Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.

Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.


With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.

I hope for miracles.

I hope for a cure.



 Remember. Love. Hope.

If you would like to donate or dedicate a luminary, you can visit my relay page:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=57440&pg=personal&px=20235573

TOO MANY LUMINARIES.  WE NEED A CURE!

Everyone I know has been touched by cancer, either through their own personal battle or through someone they love. Recently losing my father after a long fight against the disease and watching the disease progress, I know how important this cure is. I am participating in the event not only in memory of my dad, Mark Runion, but in memory of Sharon Destazio, Jim Waganfeald, Tom Burdge, Deb Tobias, Paul Wargacki, Tammy Reichert and Debbie Dell and in honor of Julie Kern, Heidi Frantz, Cheryl Helmke, Jessica Fork, Paul Thibodeau, Becky Kayden, Julie Malcolm, Danny DeVito, Connor Requena, Amanda McNamee, Meaghann Kennedy, Matt Hammer, Rhiannon Lynch, Angie Durnwald, Christy Miller, Cheri Miller, Deb Frankenhauser and all of the others that have fought or are fighting for their life! On the night of our walk, please know that a candle is buring for each of you and as the many people pass by they will read your name and think of you or your loved one and their fight. The final luminiria I dedicated was simple and the most meaningful to me: IN SUPPORT OF THE CURE.

XOXO,
 

Give me a break, Give me a break...

 Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!

For those of you that didn't see the post, I'm taking a FB hiatus.  I didn't delete you as a friend or block you from my feed, I'm just taking a break.  I had a few calls and texts asking if I am ok.  I'm more than ok. I'm simply taking time to enjoy all of my blessings with less interruptions.  Sometimes breaks are necessary for people like me.  

When you open your life up to to the public, it can be tiring.   Every time I post something on my blog or facebook, it opens my life up to scrutiny and inspection.  My opinions are sometimes taken out of context or my sarcasm can be lost in translation.

I've taken breaks before because of overuse.  Sometimes I frantically search for my phone and think to myself, WHY!?!? Because I might miss a few texts?  Who cares!?!  I'm with my monsters, it can't be THAT important or they'd find a way to get a hold of me (my phone is programed to ring if you call twice consecutively in case of an emergency;)).

Sometimes when I take a break it's because I am busy.  The last few weeks our kids have been participating on 5 different teams, had church events and school programs.  I just needed more time away from the distraction.

A few times I've taken a break because I'm not in the mood to be positive.  I can't stand people complaining that they had a bad day on social media because I can ALWAYS think of someone that is having a much worse day.

This time I need a break for pretty much all of these reasons.  I'm busy.  My heart is never too full to be concerned for others, but sometimes my brain is.   I don't feel like defending my opinions.  I want to concentrate on my family and friends and be IN the moment. *I want to be pissed that I have to have an IV treatment of Reclast instead of putting a positive spin on it. I just need to take a little break.

I'll be back and I'll miss SOME of you;)

Hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day!

XOXO,

*During my last exam with the oncologist I had a dexa scan to get a baseline of my bone density. They didn't expect me to have bone loss already, but my body hates me, so of course I do in one hip (hereditary).  It's called osteopenia. The drug that I have to be on to suppress any remaining estrogen in my body also causes bone loss.  When they found the bone loss and knowing that bone loss is a side effect of the drug I need, we discussed options for treatment.  This IV treatment has been and is currently being studied in relation to breast cancer and shown to be helpful in treating not only recurrence, but prevention of spread to the bone. It comes with side effects and risks though. I'm used to that since most of the medicines I've taken or do take cause side effects.  Anyways, I'm sure it won't be as bad as the message boards or the warnings from my doctor, but I'm still not happy that I have to have another @%*&#@$(& treatment.  I get pumped up again and have this treatment in June.  (Not because I want bigger foobs, but they want more skin to work with when they put in my permanent foobs;))

Hair is growing in great and I need to make time to have it shaped and colored!  White Trash Tats AND Roots...Aaron is SO proud;)  My boss refers to me as a singer that had wild, crazy hair, but I don't know him so I can't remember what his name is.  Oh, and I'm dori and can't remember much of anything unless I write it down;)  I don't really care though...because I HAVE HAIR!!! :)

Happy Monday. I'm going to buy a Kit Kat now.