Keep Your Head Up

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong!

 

All I was searching for was me.

Last week when I checked in, my head was kind of a mess.  I was overwhelmed by thoughts of surgery and how I was going to manage getting everything done and ready for my absence at the house, work, church, etc?  Overwhelmed. 

This weekend I devoted my time to the monsters while they were awake and to ME when they were sleeping.  I sipped mimosas with a few of my besties when the monsters went to school on my day off.  I had a secret society meeting with a few amazing women.  I READ!! I haven't carved out time to read in, well, since I was diagnosed.  I have attempted to read a book from a dear friend a few times, but I couldn't muster the concentration required to sit with ME. Alone in the quiet.

I've been searching A LOT lately.  For the perfect post-surgery bra. For a way to tell your children what to expect after surgery.  For ways to organize a household of active monsters while the manager is out of commission.  For temporary help at work.  For the instructions to set up my phone to receive work email.  For the most comfortable button-up pjs.  For anything really so that I don't have to just sit and be with ME.

 But what I really needed to search for was me. 

I needed to focus. Listen to my heart.  Have the difficult conversations rather than continue worry about them.  I needed to just. sit. still. and close my eyes and breathe.

So, this weekend I sat with my beautiful monsters and we talked about surgery.  My white haired baby boy asked me if I was going to survive. (Not sure where he's hearing this word or even that he knows what it means, but when you hear this blunt questions from such a cute little monster, it's certainly enough to take your breath away.) The best response I could muster was simply to tell him, "that's the plan, bud"! 

My curly haired baby girl asked if they can come and visit me at the hospital or Uncle Jakey's and I had to tell her no. Even though Mommy would love to see them as soon as surgery is over, my body will not be ready for little ones to visit for a few days. In the meantime, I just want them all to have fun with their grandparents and friends.  She teared up and said she will miss me and it took everything in me not to breakdown. 

While we were discussing the surgery, my monster that jumps up and down all day long just absorbed it all ...until I tucked her in later that evening.  Mommy, I read the what to expect when your Mom has cancer book again.  I think I'm ready for the surgery.  We've been learning chores lately so that we can help, right? Camille and I have a plan.  Monday and Saturday we will sweep the downstairs and Wednesday we will fold towels.  We will all keep our room picked up and tuck you in every night when you come home.

She's eight.

I hate that she has to get this, but I told her that all sounded wonderful.  In addition, Daddy especially needs them all to be good listeners.   She agreed.

It was difficult.  I know I'll have a hard time leaving them Tuesday night.  I know that they can't truly wrap their heads around what is in store next week, but I'm going with honesty is the best policy.  I've been holding off on the conversations because I didn't want to scare them.  Cancer is scary though.

As I was searching for me, I asked myself a couple tough questions.  The 'what if' questions that you don't really discuss.  Rather than let them eat at me, I bluntly asked my partner what his expectations of me are.  As the mother of his children, as his wife and best friend, what would he expect IF.

If this or that or this and that or after this long or after that treatment.  What do YOU expect of ME.  What do I expect of ME and what am I willing to do.

I've thought about how he could have picked any woman and he picked me.  I was thinking, "Man, he drew the short straw on this one!" But after we talked and I know what he expects, I know that no matter what happens, he already has the very best parts of me. 

The little boy that told me last week, "Mommy, I love you more than God loves me".   The little girl that climbed into bed last night and whispered, "Can I lay with you tonight, I didn't get to see you that much today".  The young girl that's always smiling, yet wise beyond her years, that plans to play Mommy in my absence.

And you know what, that's enough.  Even if all of the "what-ifs" happen, that's enough.

Now. Now that I've had the difficult conversations, I can take the rest of the week to search for me.  Feed my soul with the food it has so desperately been calling for.  I was searching for all of the things that I thought I needed, but all I needed to search for was me. 

I'm ready now.  My body and mind are strong and ready to fight, no matter what they find when they open me up.

Special prayers today for Erica as she meets with doctors and maps out the course of action.  Special prayers for AD tomorrow for good test results. Special prayers for AC to make a full recovery.

SPECIAL THANK GOD for the BRCA results my cousins received recently and directional and loving prayers to my aunt that unfortunately is a carrier.

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong,