Cami Cammers

When we had the monsters, the thought of one of them being shy NEVER crossed my mind.  I assumed that they would all be like me: outgoing, loud, obnoxious...EXTROVERTS.

First, I had Lilly.  Even when she was in diapers we couldn't shut her up!  She will talk to anyone.  When she makes her list of people to invite for a party, it's a scroll of never ending names.  Some monsters that I don't even know show up on the list.   When a few girls were talking about her party in class, she came home crying because she didn't want any of her classmates to feel bad because they weren't invited.  Her friends think she's wild and crazy...she is wild and crazy.  She's not scared to stand and speak or sing in front of a crowd.

I know how to handle Lilly.  She is just like me!

And then I had Camille.  And she's attached. And she hides behind my legs when people try to talk to her.  And she is scared to try new things. And she's shy. And she needs me to hold her hand when we are out in public. And she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't know the teacher. And we have to go over that I will not leave her at school or soccer or tumbling EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

She couldn't WAIT to start tumbling!  She wants to be like Lilly so very badly.  And then she's finally old enough for tumbling, but she's too scared to stand out there by herself.  And ya know what???

 IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!  

To the point that I threaten to not let her participate and tell her we're going home unless she walks her skinny little behind out on the mat immediately! And she hides under my arm and tells me that she's scared and Mylie isn't there and Kiki isn't doing tumbling this time.  So, she's scared. 

WHAT!?! ARE YOU SCARED OF, CAM!?  I'm right here!!  I'm sitting right here, watching you for the hour class when I could be at home getting something done each week.  WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF!?!  And I turn into evil Mom and I can't hide my horns.  GET ON THAT MAT, CAM.  We paid for this class. YOU wanted to do it. Get out there!

And then I let her stand there, nuzzled into me for a while and calm down.  I ask her again why she doesn't want to tumble, but instead of yelling I use a calm, soothing voice while I hold her hand. 

Because I'm scared.  You said you had to run home and get something for Jeff and Mylie isn't here and there isn't room to stand by Izzy.

Camille, I'm just going to run home quickly, I'll be back in a few minutes. Ashley is right here if you need anything.

But I get scared when you aren't here.

Jeff, can you swing by and pick up Paige's stuff after class? 

Sure can.

Ok, Cam. I'm going to stay right here. I'll walk you out to a spot right next to Izzy, Ok?

Ok. As she wipes the tears and tries to collect herself.

AND THEN...SHE SMILED AND FLIPPED AND CHEERED WITHOUT A CARE IN THE FREAKING WORLD THE REMAINDER OF THE CLASS!!!

And if this were the first class OR the first time we went through this routine, it would be one thing.  However, it's Every.Freaking.Monday.  Every freaking Monday I ask her if she wants to go to tumbling.  I tell her that I will stay and watch her practice.  I tell her that I love her and she's a big girl and she can do it....AND SHE FREAKS OUT. every.single.time.

Often at the end of the day, I know that I don't handle situations with her properly. She's an introvert and I need to respect that. Sometimes though, I get VERY frustrated with it. It's hard for me to understand what is going through her pretty little head full of curls and I forget that she's different.  She responds to criticism differently, she likes to speak to me in private, she needs the extra assurance of my hand in hers for now.

I was able to bring a couple of my friends to the dark side (out of their shell a little), but I can't push Camille until she's ready.  She's not ready.  Hopefully someday soon she will be more confident and able to go to tumbling or school or soccer without fear, but she'll probably always prefer a smaller group of friends, a quiet conversation over a loud party, notice over a surprise...AND THAT'S OK.  I did marry her dad;)

Below is the best advice I have found for caring for the different, VERY DIFFERENT personalities.  I'm going to print it out and put it on my refrigerator.  Oh, and my friends at tumbling, please whisper in my ear to be patient with my little monster.  We all know I need a LOT of practice with patience!! ;)

"Stomp your feet and yell with me or I'm NOT going to be your friend!"

Source: decrescenzio.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Practice What You Preach

Don't you think it's so much easier to match your behavior to your beliefs and ideas when things are running smoothly?  Or when you have something to look forward to, it's easier to stay positive and upbeat.  Things that on some days would drive you to tears, can be brushed off and forgotten about if you're in a good mood.

What about when things don't go your way?  How do you deal with disappointment, stress, sadness, jealousy, fear, anxiety?  Can you still practice what you preach?  Can you walk the walk when it's not sunshine and rainbows? 

Sometimes I have to remind the people around me to stay positive, focus on the good, find "the thankful" even when it's hard.  Nobody likes to be around Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer.  It's just not fun!  Recently I had to remind myself and I wondered how others cope with the stresses of life. 

That bloodshot eye in the picture above is mine.  I most certainly sneak in tears when I need to.  But then I try to rally.  I think about all of the ideas in my head, I add them to the things that I know to be true and start to move forward. 

Often when I need to rally, I open my Bible.  I have bookmarked pages that I find comforting with cards, pictures, or notes that I've written to myself.  I read a few pages or the note that's marking the place and I feel like I can breathe again.

Usually talking (bitching) to Aaron or my friends helps, too;)

When I really wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself, but I needed to be strong, I hid in the bathroom and jumped on Pinterest and searched "thankful".  I read a few quotes about being thankful.  I thought about all of the things in my life that I have to be thankful for.  I knew that I couldn't be anything but grateful.  I have so much goodness in my life and squishy cheeks to kiss anytime I need a reminder. 

The little eyes that inspect me oh so closely at every turn do not need to be burdened or even sense that I'm upset most of the time.  I need to teach them to find the positive, not concentrate on the negative.  I talk about finding the light, searching for the positive, being thankful in all situations...ALL THE TIME. 

Sometimes I have to regroup.

Take a step back. Focus.

Be thankful and find the light.

"Never separate the life you live from the words you speak." Paul Wellstone

Something sweet to chew on:  Practice what you preach.

Conversations with Crackheads: Ever-growing dumper

Me: No baby yet?!? WTF!!

SDD: Dude, tell me about it...I'm willing to do damn near anything to get her out.  As long as "anything" includes eating nachos and/or sitting on my ever-growing dumper.

Me: Lol!! I love you:) Are you still working or just sitting on your ever-growing dumper as V trashes your house?

SDD: Still "working" (i.e. sitting on my dumper eating pizza while I pay other people to take care of my kid)  I was sad to hear your good news...once M's here I really want to check it out before your pj leaves.

Me:  Haha!  You're too freaking much:)  I'm paying someone to watch the monsters while I sit on my dumper too;)  Yeah, you should come before she's done, she's really amazing.

SDD: You've got until summer, right?

Me:  Yes, she's staying until the beer tent;)  (Where we'll be sloshed)

SDD:  I can't wait for beer and sushi to begin!  And I'll for sure make it before summertime.

Me: Sushi and beer...come on M!!!

SDD:  Mmmmmm.  We need a date once this kid evacuates.

Me:  Sounds lovely!  Evict her!!

Can't wait to meet M...and drink beer and eat sushi;)

Ever-growing dumper(bolded like it's a vocabulary word;))-newest favorite way to describe my ass:)  Send me a picture of yours SDD and I'll add it to the post.  Come on, please!?!

Although she refuses to send me a picture of her dumper, she compromised with a picture of her bumper. 

SDD: I am going to great lengths to hide my dumper these days. I have the worst mom-dumper ever. I could take any pair of jeans and make them look like mom jeans with my pancake-white-girl-flying-saucer-dumper-booty.

She's too much!! :)

THE good NEWS

"The good News"

We all know "the news".   We have all lived through it.  We have all survived it.  We have all thrived despite and during it. We are all stronger because of it.

A new diagnosis.  An affair.  The death of a loved one.  Divorce. The C Word.  Job loss.  The death of a beloved pet.

Generally I can handle "the news". USUALLY I can handle "the news" with grace. All in all, I feel like I can handle "the news" with poise and composure; a level head if all else fails.

I'm acutely aware of the stages of grief and understand that death is not the only thing that causes grief; deep sorrow.  I anticipate the stages as they come and go: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance.  On many occasions I've described how I feel like the stages often come in waves.  Some waves are small; some feel like they are the size of a tsunami!  I must admit, I'm actually becoming a great surfer! Aaron can attest to my ability to keep the surf board straight and on course even when I could easily get caught in a rip current...even during that time of the month;)

This week I heard "the news".   This is the first time since my dad died that I've had to deal with "the news" when it's so very personal.  So real to me.  On Sunday, Pastor Jen announced that she will no longer be our spiritual leader as of July 1st....THIS YEAR! 

This news is tangible to me.  I can feel it. The "can't breathe" feeling is so very real to me and once again I feel like I can't catch my breath. 

I can see the wave as I look up.  It's so big and it's going to come crashing down on me. I don't have time to prepare.  I won't be able to get out of the way!!  Six months isn't enough time.  I need more time!  She has taught me so much, but I'm not ready!

"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald
 

Thoughts were swimming around in my head.  I was sorting them as fast as I could, but new thoughts of loss were filling the space in my head faster than I could clear them.   Where do you turn when the wave is bigger than you can handle by yourself?  What do you do next?  Pray.  Ask for help.  Work your way through the stages.  BREATHE.


She'll change her mind as soon as Oscar starts sleeping through the night.  She can't leave all of this!!  Her numbers are increasing.  There is proof, statistical data of her good works! DENIAL. 

I'm happy for her and completely jealous of her opportunity to stay home, but selfishly, I'm pissed!  How can God take my leader away from me?  I need her insight!  I need her calm.  It balances my crazy! ANGER. 

Maybe they will let her come to Bible study every once in a while if we can get the new pastor to agree?  I wonder if they will let her work part time if they found another pastor that wanted to work part time? BARGAINING. 

This sucks!  I look forward to her message each Sunday. What about Bible study?  I love her questions!  I love her point of view. Every time I get a text or an email about her leaving I can't stop the tears. Change.  I hate change!  (Yesterday, after the shock wore off a little, I looked and acted JUST like Eeyore!! My eyes were swollen and red. I couldn't concentrate. I felt loss and lost.) DEPRESSION

Then, I did some yoga.  I read the Bible.  I thought to myself: "I can do this".  We can rally.  My friends aren't going to give up that easy.  They want our kids to have a church home.  They want our kids to grow up knowing Christ.  We can do this together.  Pastor Jen has been struggling since she had that cute little baby boy, trying to balance the weight of the world on her annoyingly skinny little frame.  I need to be happy for her.  She deserves my blessing.  She has been such a blessing to me and I am forever grateful for all that she has taught me.  That's the least I can give to her: my blessing and love and prayer.  ACCEPTANCE

I think yesterday was almost unbearable for me because I knew that I needed to get to acceptance quickly.  Because I want to cherish the time that she is with us, not be bitter or sad or angry or wasting my time bargaining.  Because I owe her so much in my spiritual growth.  Because I owe her that as my friend.  Because I love her.

I have been wondering how I would deal with "the news" for a while.  (Not this news particularly, but whatever "the news" happened to be.)  I wondered how long I would be in each stage?  I wondered if I received news that meant change, if I would be bitter for a longer period of time or if I'd be angry again?  I have often wondered if new sorrow would bring back old sorrow?  I've been conditioning for it: attending church, studying the Bible, asking questions, praying, inviting others to join me.

"Epiphany is the moment when we say “put on your glasses” and we see the world in a whole new way. Where there was darkness, now there is light." Jennifer Smith Williamson

Pastor Jen was there the first time that I "put on my glasses" and she will always be there, in that same spot, in my heart.  I'm a little less frightened for the next time I receive "the news" because of my faith.   I'm more able to search for hope in despair and find the light in the darkness because of the many things she has taught me.  Even when I lashed out at her, admitted to my beautiful friend that I was pissed, she didn't waiver. (Not mad at her, but selfishly, I want her, not a new pastor that will have different gifts.) Instead of explaining her situation or trying to make herself feel better about her decision, she comforted me. She told me that she understands my mixed feelings: GRACE!

I hope to one day have the grace that she preaches about, that is so very much a part of her, but in the meantime I will work with the seed she has watered and brought into the light.  Pastor Jen has had a HUGE influence on my spiritual journey.  She's taught me enough that I know I want more. I want to learn more, I want to be more, I want to encourage others to join me...for me, for her, for our children, for Him.

Have faith...even when it only seems as big as a mustard seed.  The GOOD news:  My friend is truly blessed and Oscar is a lucky boy to have her around more:)

Eternally grateful for all of the things she has done for me and with all of my love,

Finding the balance

I've decided this week that I am either fat and merry or I'm starving and cranky.

I either make time to work out and clear my body of toxins through sweat or I make time to write and clear my head of polluting thoughts by banging on the keyboard (sometimes I really do bang on the keyboard and it looks like this: q3;l5rj xfd fdxzxjzc vl,k3vw;4o6iuklj sfljksfjkrsd 08[YW T4).

I write everything down or I write nothing down.

I complete boot camp/insanity workouts or I sit on the couch and do nothing...(WELL, nothing DOES include eating Wavy Lays, right???)

I read 3-10 bedtime stories to the monsters or I read 0.  Never ever just, "Ok, just one quick book!"

I sit in the mirror and pull out every single hair that is out of place on my face or I don't get the tweezers at all.

I either let all of Aaron's idiosyncrasies drive me to the point of sarcastically (ok, honestly, think wicked, evil stepmother here) calling him out on each...and every.last.thing that he does/doesn't do to my standards or I ignore them completely and we all live in perfect harmony (Que rainbows, sunshine, singing and spinning around the house dusting and playing with a smile on my face;))
 
I'm positive there is a happy medium, but I have yet to find it!

Mostly because all of my friends are on a mission to get skinny again...and yes, if they jumped off a bridge, I'd follow. Ok, well, probably not off of a bridge, but if they're all running around in their stupid little bikinis this summer, I at least need to fit into a flattering mommytankini without needing a mu mu to hide the problem areas (FROM MY NECK TO MY CALVES)!

SO!  Until I find the balance, less writing.  More starving and cranky!!

With Love,

Cranky, Salad-eating, WHY Aren't there any chips in this cupboard? YES, I KNOW I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY THEM!!  WHERE ARE THEY!!!?? I WANT CHIPS!!! NOW!!!!!,

LL

I Wanted All Four Ninja Turtles

Christmas trees with presents cascading out of them; an avalanche of consumerism. Facebook displayed picture after picture of the avalanches! Christmas isn't even over and we're online looking for something new and shiny to spend our Christmas money on.  Our house wasn't any different.  Present after present opened, but Keegan wanted all FOUR ninja turtles, not ONLY two.

I'm not going to pretend that we didn't have a lovely Christmas, we did.  Piles of presents, books and books and more books, coloring on the floor, drooling monsters sneaking quick naps on Mommy's lap, family and games and more presents and food, my goodness more food. But what we enjoyed the most, the thing that we unwrapped over and over again was each other.

In the constant rush of life, I very rarely slow down.  You won't catch me without makeup very often.  The only time I enjoy the comfort of sweats or yoga pants is when I'm burning calories. I work hard, I play hard, but rarely rest hard. But I did this week!

This week we slept in late.  We cuddled for hours and hours.  I was able to answer "No, you don't have to go to Christina's or school" day after day.  We didn't rush from one place to another.  Instead, I catered to the kids.  For the most part I did whatever they wanted to do.  By the end of the week, the two missing ninja turtles weren't mentioned at all.  All of the new toys found a new home and I bet if I took a few of them and hid them for a few months, I could re-use them and the kids wouldn't even remember they had previously received them!  Christmas morning Keegan decided to play with beads...that we've had for 3 years!  So, once again I was reminded: it's NOT the things that matter in life!

What they will most likely remember are the memories that we made together.  The traditions, the indescribable feeling of love that was shared, the time that we carved out to be present over perfect.

Happy Birthday balloons to heaven:

Visiting Grandma Gunner in the nursing home:

The shrimp fest at Papa and Nana's, reading and lighting the candles at church, finding the pickle at Grandma and Grandpa's house, $2 slime all over Mimi's walls, Treasure hunts, HAVING DADDY HOME ON CHRISTMAS:

Sleepovers with Stella, movies in 3D with cousins and Grandma, friends to fill the house, hours of fun in the snow:

 

Crafts with Aunt Laine and Mommy:

 

 



I really doubt that Keegan will remember that he ONLY received TWO ninja turtles, but I hope he remembers all the fun.

 

 

Last night I meant to finish this post.  Instead during our tickle torture, Camille took an elbow to the nose and the nose bleed required more cuddles so the rest of the post might be kind of choppy. (I wasn't complaining, it was a great excuse to turn in early;))  But my week off of work leads me to my New Year's Resolution.  (Yes, I believe in new years resolutions and have been really good at keeping mine the last few years and have turned them into habit, not resolutions)

 

This year, I'm going to SCHEDULE (we all know how I love to schedule) one weekend a month to cuddle, watch movies, make crafts, tickle torture, NOT RUSH.  No orders to "GET MOVING!" or "No, we don't have time to get out the craft tub" or "Maybe next weekend".   Nope, we're going to plan one weekend a month to stay home and open the gifts that keep giving: each other!

 

Because even if Keegan would have received all four ninja turtles, I'm pretty confident he'd pick to spend time with us over the turtles.

 

PS: Completely jealous of my SAHM friends this week.  I had so much fun relaxing with my monsters.   I know you all know how lucky you are, but know that I'm severely jealous of you all right now:P

What resolution(s) are YOU committing to?





 

 

2012 YIR

Year in Review- 12

Craziest thing I did: Finally got a tattoo! http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/03/my-reminder-always-always-always.html

Favorite Concert:  Sarah McLachlan Duh. Best friends and live music performed by Sarah.  No brainer.

 



Most cherished gift: Bracelet from Jess Fork It was an honor to be asked to stand up for her and Bryan when as they were announced members of our church!

Favorite Family Vacation: Tennessee The wedding was PERFECT.  The adventures were fun.  Hiking was indescribable.

Most Welcomed Addition to the Community: Hillkirks with Klaussins a very close second;) Love having Laura back in town to be bratty to.

Biggest don't get fat accomplishment:  Finished both Warrior Dashes...ALIVE.  In a freaking tutu!

 

 

Proudest Mommy Moment: Performing with the girls. So proud of them for singing in front of so many people at their young age:)  (DID ANYONE GET A PHOTO?  OR WAS EVERYONE TOO BUSY FILMING WHEN I SAID NOT TO!?!?)

 

Favorite Get Away:  Bronners

 

 

If I were a crier, the most sentimental day: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/08/obligatory-first-day-photos.html All of the monsters in school!

 

 

Newest Addition to the Strong Family (Well, other than Rosie Mittens Star, the Elfing Strong Elf;)): BABY ADRIE!

 

 

Favorite Project: Road to Recovery-it always feels great to help, but this project was more than just helping. An excuse to get together with some of my besties, to use my creative energy for something other than writing, AND to help the DeVito's feel less alone. Hands down favorite project!

Favorite Family Photo: Is it bad that it's probably my favorite because Aaron HATES it? Oh well, it's still my favorite:)



 

 

 

We had a wonderful year!  Cheers to 2012 and bring on the New Year:)